Everything seems overwhelming when we are first coming out. We are discovering so much about ourselves and how we fit into the world. At times it’s a very lonely journey. We don’t know if people will understand or if they will think we’ve made it up or are going through a “phase”. It takes time to learn to open up that part of ourselves to others when we’ve only just acknowledged it to ourselves.
Especially when coming out, we don’t know where to start to build community and support for who we know we are now. We might have a few queer friends, but when the rest of our life is shifting, we need all the support we can get and community to replace what we might have to let go of in order to be authentic.
I know it’s a huge life change and it can feel like you’re doing it completely on your own, but you don’t have to. Here are 5 ways to find community after coming out to help you build your support system and friendships.
1. Online Support Groups
The easiest and most obvious way to find support initially is to look online. Especially in the early stages of coming out, we feel very uncertain, we aren’t sure if we are gay or not, we’re questioning who we are and what we want. Finding online communities is a great way to connect with others in similar situations and work through it on our own time.
Check Facebook, Reddit, or Discord. Search for groups specifically geared to those coming out later in life, as well as more general queer or lesbian groups. Many of them are very accepting and don’t require you to identify a specific way if you aren’t sure yet. Ask questions, contribute to forums, and find other women like you.
The internet has been a huge resource for queer folk, especially when we are unsure of ourselves or uncertain if we’ll find safety in local groups. It’s a great way to start that can provide anonymity and distance when we need it, but also the opportunity to forge friendships across the world with those like us. It makes the journey a lot less lonely and may even provide a way for you to meet more people in person when you’re ready.
Add me as a friend, and send me a message, if you want to join my free private Facebook group for Women Coming Out Later in Life
2. Look up your Local LGBTQIA+ Center
Especially if you’re younger than 30, your local LGBTQ+ center is a fantastic resource with groups and support that are really helpful. Sometimes centers do have later in life groups, but that’s usually in big cities, so if you’re in a more rural area it may be more difficult to find. The Clearlink Community Center directory can help you find local groups or search for a pride center in your city. Use online social groups like Facebook or Discord to see if your local city or town has a queer group.
HRC is the Human Rights Campaign, which is a national organization that fights for the civil rights of the LGBTQA+ community. They have a wonderful resource page on their website.
PFlag is “the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies.” They have more than 400 chapters across the US. You can use the “Find a Chapter” feature on their website to find the closest group to you. Their site also has resources listed on how to get involved locally in advocacy for the queer community and information on legislative issues.
3. Local Sports Groups are Where the Lesbians Hang Out
As a queer woman, playing softball may sound cliche but it’s a place to go. Try your local rugby, kickball, tennis, basketball, soccer, or racquetball groups or tournaments. Get involved by playing or supporting the team in other ways. Take lessons if there’s a sport you want to learn or brush up on.
You also don’t need to be particularly athletic to participate in some of these groups. Find ones that meet just for fun and exercise. It’s an opportunity to connect with a variety of people and there’s a good chance you’ll meet plenty of other queer folk along the way.
Remember that more and more professional athletes are coming out these days. Especially women. Women’s soccer and basketball have both been in the headlines in the last few years as players have openly talked about their queer identities and partnerships.
The fans, too, have been showing their pride more often, waving rainbow flags, as arenas fill with more and more LGBTQ+ people watching their queer idols be awesome examples not only of athletics but of authenticity and pride. If playing sports isn’t really your thing, maybe search out fan groups and get together to attend sporting events or watch games together.
4. Try Your Local Art and Theater Groups
Arts organizations are full of queer people. Volunteer at museums and galleries meet artists and authors at shows and signings. If you are interested in singing or acting, audition for a community theater troupe, musical, or performance. Even ensemble roles can be a huge source of fun and connection, both with other members of the cast and with an audience.
Try local choirs or music groups. Get into technical theater to work backstage if you’re not interested in the spotlight. You can build sets, paint, move scenery, or work lights as well as make new friends.
Many art centers are also looking for volunteer ushers on performance nights, so whatever your interests or skills, there are ways to get involved. And, it’s nice knowing that arts groups are usually a safe space for LGBTQ+ folk, so you can make a lot of positive connections.
5. Look for Local Community Groups Based Off your interests – We’re Everywhere (Really!)
One great thing about being queer is that our queerness isn’t even the most interesting thing about us. We all have so many different interests and hobbies. Search for groups that align with your values, skills, talents, and sense of play. Learn something new.
Don’t just search for groups with a focus on coming out. Find a community where you find fun. Look for your local games night community groups like Dungeons and Dragons or Scrabble. If you’re a business owner, many cities have an LGBTQ Chamber of Commerce you can use to connect with others. Look for LGBT camping groups, travel groups, bowling teams, writers groups, and whatever else sparks your interest. Queer folk is everywhere and the opportunities to make connections are endless.
Coming out later in life changes so much about our lives that it can feel very overwhelming to start to build community again as our authentic selves, but it’s completely doable. Don’t hesitate to find a support group if you’re struggling. So many of us have been through it and are going through it and we know what it’s like and want to help.
Reach out to me so I can connect you with one of the support groups I run either through Facebook or in person. We know what it’s like to need to build a team for friendship and support for the exciting new life we’re building and I’d love to help you find those who will walk with you through it and celebrate having you in our community.
I also have a variety of support groups that empower women in different parts of their coming out journey. You can learn more about these groups on my website or by booking a free discovery call with me.
No matter where you are in this process remember that you don’t have to go through it alone and there are people all around you who are here to cheer you on, be your friend, and celebrate the authentic you!
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