What if the reason you didn’t figure it out sooner had nothing to do with self-awareness — and everything to do with a world that never gave you the language?
In this rich, warm, and genuinely important conversation, Anne-Marie sits down with Dr. Kiki Fehling (she/they) — clinical psychologist, author, Linehan Board Certified DBT expert, and queer mental health advocate — for a wide-ranging exploration of identity, emotion, and the practice of joy.
Kiki shares their own coming out story as a bi and non-binary person who didn’t find a non-binary identity until their mid-30s — even while specializing in LGBTQ+ mental health. Together, Anne-Marie and Kiki unpack one of the most liberating ideas in the episode: you can’t know what you don’t know. The language, the representation, the community — these aren’t luxuries. They are the very things that make self-discovery possible.
The conversation goes deep on:
- Why coming out later doesn’t mean you missed something — and what actually gets in the way of recognizing yourself
- Bisexuality, biphobia, and the “bi as a phase” question — asked with care, answered with nuance and honesty
- DBT and dialectical thinking — how holding two true things at once can change everything for people in transition
- Queer joy as a practice, not a destination — and specific, doable ways to cultivate it, whether life is going smoothly or you’re in the thick of a dark night of the soul
- People-pleasing, guilt, and permission — why women in transition so often feel they don’t deserve joy, and how to begin releasing that
- Gender exploration as playfulness — for those whose queer journey is taking them somewhere unexpected
Whether you’re just beginning to ask questions, mid-transition, or somewhere on the other side, this episode will meet you where you are.
🎉 Kiki is the author of Self-Directed DBT Skills, DBT Cards for Coping Skills, and the forthcoming LGBTQ+ Mental Health Workbook (2026). You can find all of Kiki’s work at kikifehling.com, follow them on social media at @dbtkiki, or subscribe to their Substack newsletter, How to Queer Joy, for ongoing wisdom on exactly what it sounds like.
💛 Ready to stop navigating this alone? The Authentically Us community is a warm, intentional space for women who are asking the questions Kiki and Anne-Marie talked about in this episode — and who are ready to find their people. Come find us: https://community.annemariezanzal.com/users/onboarding/plans
