The author and her wife Tonda McKay. Anne-Marie came out at 52 and Tonda came out at 22.
So, you’re here, reading this, because maybe, just maybe, you’re starting to question something fundamental about yourself. Maybe you’ve been feeling this way for a while, but the fear of what it might mean has kept you silent. I get it. It’s scary. Especially when you’re in a heteronormative marriage, with kids, and a life that seems set in stone. That was me, eight years ago. After a lifetime of putting my sexuality away in my metaphorical closet, I decided to finally acknowledge this very important piece of me.
Noticing the Little Signs & Experiences
But first let’s talk about those signs you’ve been noticing, those little whispers in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, you’re not as straight as you thought you were. A coaching client of mine, Jen, calls them “micro epiphanies.” I like that.
You Might Feel Back & Forth About It
Many of us experience this going back and forth. One day, we’re absolutely positive we’re straight, no doubts whatsoever. Then, the next day, something shifts. We question, wondering if maybe there’s more to it than we have seen. We might even feel a sense of guilt or confusion about these fluctuations, wondering why our feelings seem so inconsistent. We wonder, why can’t we make up our minds?? We have an axiom in our community “straight girls (folks) don’t lay awake at night wondering if they are gay.” These feelings are typical in the later in life community.
Intense Friendships That Alter Our World
Some of us also report intense friendships with women. Sure, we have always had close friends, but there’s something different about these connections. It’s like there’s a depth there that we haven’t experienced before, a closeness that feels both exhilarating and terrifying. We find that we want to spend more time with certain women, feeling a magnetic pull towards them that we don’t feel anywhere else.
Have you had dreams? Do you have dreams about a relationship with a woman, both physical and emotional? Waking up with a sense of longing, of confusion, of something we can’t quite put into words. These dreams might leave us feeling unsettled, often questioning our desires and identity. Right before I came out, I had so many dreams that were pointing me in the correct direction for my sexual orientation.
Emotionally Checking Out of Experiences That Are Culturally Seen as Milestones
So many women I have worked with talk about emotionally checking out of major life events, like engagement or marriage. Did you dread your wedding day? Have a difficult engagement? Or ask: “Why am I doing this? In the weeks, days, minutes, and seconds before saying “I do.” It’s possible to dismiss these feelings as just cold feet, but deep down, we know there’s more to it than that.
Understanding Attraction & Sexuality is About WAY More than Sex
And then there’s the attraction, or lack thereof, to the opposite gender. We might wonder why we’re not feeling the excitement or desire for our spouses. We avoid sex or cry afterward. We might resort to watching lesbian porn to feel sexual desire or fantasize our opposite-gender partner is a woman. We might go to the doctor to check our hormone levels or start seeing a sex therapist to figure out what is wrong.
We might have even identified as asexual at some point because the attraction to opposite gender partners just wasn’t there. But now, we are starting to wonder if maybe there’s more to the story. Maybe realizing that the lack of attraction wasn’t a lack at all, but rather a redirection of our desires towards a different path.
Maybe you’ve fallen for someone of the same gender, and in doing so, you’ve had a dawning realization: it’s NOT them, it’s you. You’re the one who’s gay.
It a Part of You That Might Be Challenge to See & Allow to Be Seen
Often in first relationships, people will often believe it is “just the person” and not want to acknowledge the gender. Because if we do then it means we have to recognize something about our own needs and desires. This realization can be incredibly daunting, especially if it means reevaluating our entire identity and the life we have built.
If we have had a physical relationship with a same-gender partner, maybe it felt natural, like “coming home.” Finally, after years of searching, we’ve found where we belong. These moments of connection and intimacy can be incredibly validating, but they can also bring up a whirlwind of emotions as we grapple with what it may mean for the future.
We Do Everything to Appear Straight
Unconsciously we may have done everything we can to not appear gay, to hide this part away from the world. We begin to realize that it’s exhausting, that it’s taking a toll on us in ways we never could have imagined. The constant fear of being discovered, of having our carefully constructed facade come crashing down, can weigh heavily on our shoulders, leaving us feeling isolated and alone.
Here’s the thing, you’re not alone. There are others out there who have walked this path before us, who have felt the same fear, the same confusion, the same longing for something we couldn’t quite name. YOU are part of a community of people who understand what you’re going through, who can offer support and guidance as you navigate this journey of self-discovery.
Understanding Who You Are & Your Sexuality is a Journey that Begins When You Come Out & Opens Up a World of Possibilities Beyond
It’s okay to question, to wonder, to explore. Ultimately, what matters most is being true to who we are, even if that means facing our fears head-on and embracing a part of ourselves that we kept hidden for so long. Your Queer identity is valid, individual feelings are valid, and every human deserves to live authentically, without fear or shame.
So take a deep breath, and know that whatever path chosen, whatever truth that is uncovered, everyone is valid, worthy, and to be loved how we were created to be.
With love and solidarity,
Anne-Marie
Anne-Marie Zanzal is an ordained minister, grief counselor, chaplain, and coming out coach. She has worked for the last six years with the later in life community. Please join her for her upcoming workshop: Beyond the Closet Door: Navigating Late-Life LGBTQ+ Identity. People of all gender identities are welcome! You can sign up at comingoutsupport.net.
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