We’ve all heard the joke.
What does a lesbian bring with her on the second date? A U-Haul truck.
The picture accompanying this article is a play on this joke. My wife and I were only moving some furniture and wanted to make our queer friends laugh.
And it’s okay to laugh. It’s funny. And sometimes it’s even true. But there’s more to it than that.
There are people that point fingers saying women move too fast into commitment. They use this joke as a sort of slur but the reality is there may be several reasons women would Uhaul and they’re not always that different from their heterosexual counterparts.
Why we might prove the joke true:
1. Financial Concerns
Women don’t make as much money as men. Two women dating who have not been together for long may want to take the next step for financial reasons. As the saying goes, two can live as cheaply as one. Many times it’s more about combining financial resources than it is about rushing into anything. And, it is also safer, unfortunately, for two women to live together than for a woman living alone.
2. Historical Precedent
In an article for The Atlantic, Shauna Miller noted that moving in together quickly initially had its “basis in practicality in the ’50s and early ’60s when gay couples had to remain in the shadows…In the lesbian world, serial monogamy was safe, and also fulfilling.” If we couldn’t be completely open with our life, at least there was a way to be ourselves while keeping it private and keeping ourselves and our partner safe. We may have come a long way in our society, but these are some of the roots of lesbian culture as we know it.
3. Heterosexism
Relationships are still viewed as the primary goal for women. When we spend our entire lives looking for that long-term relationship that is supposed to complete us, it can be difficult for two women to take it slow when it seems like they found it. Even when we know that a relationship is not actually the end-all-be-all of life and we know that we have immense value as a person on our own, the fulfillment that comes with a committed relationship helps take some of the difficulty away from the prejudices the queer community face on a daily basis. When you come home to your person it feels safe and inviting, after having to read and face so much vitriol in the media.
4. The level of intimacy is consuming
Because we are more open with our emotions and willing to communicate and connect, it can make us more ready to take risks in our relationships. Many lesbian relationships are all-consuming at first, with a level of intimacy not experienced by most other combinations of couples. We see the value in being vulnerable and making deep connections with someone we care about. We may say “I love you” sooner or get a pet together sooner, just as easy as signing a lease. The passion and intimacy make the risk of committing sooner more worth the risk.
5. Convenience
It’s so much more convenient to live together than to have to go to our girlfriend’s house. When we’re with someone we love and want to spend all our time with, it gets exhausting deciding who will drive to whose house or if we should pack clothes to stay over. If we both have day jobs and our time is already limited to nights and weekends, saving the stress of a drive is huge. And we get the added benefit of getting to snuggle in bed longer in the morning or make our partner dinner before they get home. Sharing our space can be a really comfortable and rewarding life.
6. We Don’t Want to Waste Time
For those of us coming out later in life, this may be one of the first times we have actually been in love. We finally get what everyone has been talking about and have permission to live authentically. Love is new for us, but we’ve already waited so long to know who we are and what we want, that it doesn’t matter. We just don’t want to waste time waiting to be more sure. Maybe we’re ready for that big adventure and that level of commitment.
Is it Always True?
So, anecdotally, it might be true that lesbians often u-haul, but there’s also evidence we aren’t that different from anyone else. A Stanford study found that lesbians are no different than their heterosexual counterparts, especially when you consider heteronormative culture allows straight couples to start dating and courtships at a younger age than queer couples. We all commit at about the same rate on average.
Just as many lesbians may have issues with commitment as those who want to run into it with open arms. For those of us coming out later in life, it gets even more complicated. We may have baggage from past relationships with men that make us want to be cautious and take our time before any type of commitment. Yet, at the same time, the newness of actually being in a relationship with someone you are attracted to, and who you actually fall in love with, can make us want to run straight into their arms and into a life together.
The most important thing is that we are communicating with our partner and that we work to be on the same page. If one of us feels ready to move in together but the other needs more time, talk it out. Seek the help of a counselor or therapist if needed. There’s no harm in taking it slow, but that doesn’t mean that a relationship that moves fast is doomed to fail. It’s really up to you and your partner. Be honest about needs and boundaries and go from there. Whatever the pace is, relationships take work, and the two of you working together is what counts.
If you’d like some support along this journey of authentic living, please reach out to me. I’m happy to work with you in group coaching or connect you to some free groups of amazing women just like you. You don’t have to navigate the nuances of your new lesbian community alone. I am here to help you build a support system and hold space for you as you move along the path.
Having people around us who get the challenges we face make our life easier and our relationships easier to navigate. it’s always an honor to meet more brave women stepping into their authenticity, because it really does take courage to come out later in life, and the best part is we aren’t alone.
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