Recently I met Yvonne Ford. She’s a late-in-life lesbian, and though born in the USA, she has lived in Germany for many years. We had a Zoom call in which we both talked about the work each of us does to support late-bloomers or people coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community. Yvonne’s initiatives began in 2006.
One of our topics was how the partners of women who are coming out react, and what they might need to know in order to make the transitions less traumatic. Yvonne has given me permission to share a text she hwrote: what follows is in the form of a letter to the «husband of the late-in-life lesbian.» Yvonne and I hope it can make a contribution to explorative, learning conversations.
Dear husband of a wife who has recently discovered her lesbian identity,
I appreciate your willingness to reach out for help in understanding what is happening and trying to find an appropriate way to react. Here are some things that I feel are important:
Recognize that your wife’s decision to explore her feelings for women is not a reaction to her disappointment with you.
You may feel that if you had been a «better husband», more involved emotionally, then your wife would not have fallen in love with a woman. You might imagine that your wife’s interest in being with a woman is, in some way, «your fault» or a reaction to you.
Becoming lesbian is an independent development in the life of the woman, a sexual, emotional reality that might have been submerged in her life until recently. It may also be a new development that surprises the woman as well.
Once your wife recognises these feelings and starts to explore her identity as a lesbian, it is rarely possible to ignore it and continue to live as before. Her exploration of her identity is leading both of you to deal with what she has found to be «true» and to take painful steps to create new lives.
You didn’t ask for this and you may feel angry at having to deal with it. You may start to wonder if she has lied to you all along and kept these feelings secret. It is right to take a lot of time to ask questions, to learn how all this developed for her, and to share your reactions. However, don’t imagine that if you promise to be a «better» husband, she will come back to you.
You may also be tempted to offer your wife an open marriage – hoping that this will keep her in the relationship with you. This is unlikely to be attractive to your wife unless she, her girlfriend and you are all are truly interested in the demanding work of living in a polyamorous agreement.
Try to avoid placing blame – and put your energy into dealing with this new situation.
Respect that your wife’s sexual and emotional development may have taken a turn that she did not anticipate.
There are women who have lived in loving, caring, emotionally-balanced marriages, who feel their partner/husband has beeen one of the most important persons in their lives and yet they come to an understanding of being lesbian. Maybe you and your wife have this kind of relationship. Deciding to leave these good relationships in order to live a life of love and commitment with a woman is an agonizing process for these women. It is hard for them to recognise that the love they feel for their husbands does not satisfy them the way love for a female partner does. They realize that finding their own lesbian identity causes suffering for their husbands and children – this feeling of guilt causes many women a great amount of agony. So even though you feel unfairly treated and angry, be aware that these changes are hard for you and for her.
In other cases, the marriages were abusive and filled with conflict about money, child care, relationships with family, extra-marital relationships etc. In others, responsibility for housework, for childcare, and for all the day-to-day work of a partnership was not evenly shared.
If either of these situations dominate in your marriage, this may be a wakeup call for you. This is a chance for you to think over how you relate to women and to children and to make changes if they are needed.
Yet even if such factors play a role in your wife’s decision to get out, a bad marriage doesn’t cause a woman to become lesbian. Your wife has not become a lesbian in order to have a reason to escape. This journey has its own trajectory and should be seen as separate from the marital discord. Getting in touch with her desire for a female partner and falling in love with someone may give her the energy and support to make overdue decisions to get out of a destructive environment.
Do not abandon your children.
If you have children, both you and your wife need to prioritize their needs. Assure them that they will be cared for and heard through the process of separation and for all the future until they are young adults, able to care for themselves. (Even then, they need parents!) Avoid the temptation to see the children as your wife’s job: Children need a safe, reliable relationship with both parents.
The children also need the loving support of family and friends, and may need professional help. The turbulence of the separation and divorce will require you and your wife to sacrifice your own desires at times for the sake of the children.
You may have to step up to take on roles you had left to your wife before, but this is very important for the children. If you have always been closely involved in your children’s lives, then do everything you can to maintain this.
Don’t abuse your children by dumping your pain and frustration on them or expecting them to care for your emotional needs.
Do not seek to punish your wife for disappointing you.
In a separation many women struggle to get on their feet emotionally and financially, to care for themselves and the children. This is particularly hard if your wife was staying at home and you were the one earning the family’s income. In this process of separation, look for help from a lawyer to divide up your resources fairly. Avoid the temptation to «punish» your wife for leaving you by withholding her fair share of resources.
Mediation may be helpful to work out all the complex decisions that need to be made. If you need to continue to live in the same house, find ways to share responsibilities as you begin to set up a non-sexual, friendship-based arrangement. Be sure to find ways to give each person privacy as much as possible.
Look for support for yourself, through friends, family and professionals.
Sometimes men neglect developing deep friendships in which they can talk about feelings and struggles. Do you have good friends? This is the time to reach out to them. If you don’t have such friends, look around to see who might be able to help you. Reaching out can be hard but is very important as you deal with your frustration, anger, disappointment and grief.
Don’t be afraid to go to a therapist for help as you deal with all the feelings that come up in this process. Your wife will not be able to care for you emotionally as she goes through this separation from you.
Allow for your own grief and be open to learning from these experiences for your own future.
Grieving the loss of what you thought would be a long-term marriage is a task for all persons involved. As the husband who is being left, you will need space to grieve your loss. Even if you recognise that your wife’s changes were unexpected, for her and for you, it will take a lot of time to unravel all the connections between the two of you. Be gentle on yourself and on her.
This difficult experience can also be a chance to learn more about yourself, to find ways to take care of yourself, to explore things you might want to change and recreate your ideas of the future. Look for others who can support you. Avoid people who only want to find blame and keep you locked in bitterness. Look for persons who can help you deal with these challenges and support you in taking steps through this crisis.
I wish you all the best as you take on these challenges.
Yvonne
You can reach out to Yvonne at yvonne.ford@late-bloomers.de.
Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div. is a later-in-life coach who works with women coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community. She provides one on one coaching, group support and has a free private facebook group where you can find women all throughout the coming out journey. You can find her at www.annemarieazanzal.com on Facebook at Anne-Marie Zanzal Coaching and on Instagram @annemariezanzal.
