The last holiday I spent as the mom of a heteronormative family was in 2015, I really don’t remember it very well, most likely a typical holiday that happened every year. The following year was 2016 and at that time I knew my marriage of twenty-six years was ending.  My kids were already told their other parent and I were divorcing. 

My role in my birth family was to host Christmas every year and I had since year one of my marriage hosting my siblings and their children. I told my sister and eldest daughter that I wasn’t up to hosting Christmas that year and received a lot of pressure do host it “one last time” and they would help. They did help and the typical Christmas celebration was hosted at our home and I was miserable. Can you say poor boundary setting?  (That is a whole other blog piece.) 

ALL OF US RESIST CHANGE DON’T WE?

As a species we don’t want things to change, because order and routine provide us with safety and security.  Those of us who come from chaotic childhoods definitely crave both.  Have you ever noticed that the holiday season, which falls in November and December in the United State, is often the only time of year where we eat the same things, participate in the the same activities, often with the same group of people.  Have you ever asked a friend what they are doing for the holidays and they say, “Oh, we always do ___________.”  For many of us there is a certainty (and, yes, boredom) that comes with our holiday traditions and many of us love the ritual of these days.  People crave ritual, whether it is named or not.  

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN THINGS ARE CHANGING? 

Those who are divorcing or ending a relationship often have to navigate new ways of celebrating and living through the holiday when the person they used to celebrate with is often still around.  That is some hard stuff which both I and my clients have navigated.  

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WHEN YOU ARE NAVIGATING CHANGE

• Expect things to be different.  Trying to make everything “exactly” the same can only put undo pressure on yourself and others to pretend change is not happening and give an even greater sense of melancholy, even if you are in pre-divorce mode. I wish I had stuck to my boundaries during Christmas of 2015.  
• Yes, you can celebrate things on a different day and it is OK. Our kids will also have the benefit of having two holidays to celebrate and not the stress of attending two different celebrations on the same day.  
• Acknowledging what is going on is good for our kids.  It teaches them change occurs and we do our best to navigate it.  It truly teaches our children resiliency.  
• If you find yourself alone on the holiday (and you don’t like that), plan and do the best you can to stay busy.  Remember all the planning cannot make us grieve any less.  Grief is our bodies emotional, spiritual, physical and intellectual response to loss.  So if you have planned and still feel heartbroken, give in to it.  I promise it will pass.  A feeling is just a feeling and all are temporary.  The Christmas of 2016 was very difficult for me and I lived to tell about it.
• It can be tempting to crawl into a cave and hibernate during our first holidays alone. However, I urge you to resist the temptation. There’s no reason to punish yourself, for that’s what hiding in a cave during the holidays is. I find that people who punish themselves the most are those who wanted the divorce or to end the relationship.  They feel responsible for the break up or “for breaking up the family.”  In reality we are changing the family, but not breaking it up.  
• I’m also not saying that you don’t need time alone. I promise that you’ll get a different perspective of your first holidays as a re-singled person if you open yourself up to even a little fun celebrating the holidays with others.
• Seek out other relatives who you love and enjoy – spend the time with them!
• One of the reasons Alcoholics Anonymous and AlAnon is so successful is their focus on helping others. Volunteer for an organization, work at a soup kitchen, deliver holiday meals to shut-in’s, share your musical or artistic gifts with a nursing home, etc.  My first Christmas alone I volunteered to cover the on call for the hospice where I worked, thus freeing others to be with their families that day.  
• Remember it is not about the stuff! Sometimes relationship changes can leave us financially strapped, making new memories and small thoughtful gifts are often more appreciated.
• Are you at a holiday event, having fun or experiencing joy?  No need to be a martyr – you have the right to happiness.  Let it happen! No need to feel guilty when good feelings come up, enjoy! I know easier said then done, but say this mantra “I have a right to joy and happiness.”
• If you can, work with your ex spouse/partner to make the best decision for everyone.  One client of mine let her spouse have the kids because of aging grandparents and she celebrated with her kids on another day.  
• Continue traditions, but simplify and these will become your new traditions.  Do you bake fifteen kinds of cookies every year? Think about everyone’s favorites and make those instead.  
• Take care of you health.  The stress of a relationship ending can make us feel rundown.  Get sleep, exercise, drink lots water and eat healthy food (besides all the treats).  
• If there is one less person on your gift list, consider buying yourself a gift. Is there something you really want?  Go for it.
• Lean on your faith and attend holiday services.  Perhaps attend a “Blue Holiday” service (for people grieving a loss).  This is a loss and we need to claim it as such.  If you are so inclined, “Let Go and Let God.”
• If someone in your family is angry with you about the new changes in your life or for other reasons you do not need to spend the time with them on this day.
• What if my kids are angry with me?  That is tougher to navigate and the old adage “let it go in one ear and out the other” might be the wisest advice.  Let them know they are loved, try not to take it personally, and know that times truly does heal all wounds.  
• Remember that holiday traditions do change due to death, moving or other circumstances.  It is OK to be the agent of change.
• Give yourself grace or self forgiveness.  Perhaps extend that to others too, many of us are just doing the best we can.  
• Remember any holiday is just another day of twenty-four hours which you will get through and life will go on.  

Regardless of why you are getting divorced, be it that you recently came out, or you are navigating other challenges with your sexuality, or any other reason, I hope you can take the time to take care of your needs, and remember it’s a journey.

I would love to hear from you!  What are some tips you have for getting through the holidays?  

Looking for extra support? Anne-Marie is providing a six week getting through the holidays support group and/or individual coaching. particularly for women questioning their sexuality or in the coming out process. You can contact her at amazanzal@gmail.com or book a call here to discuss the options.