One of the biggest fears we have when considering divorce is the effect it will have on our kids. It is a valid concern. But so often we get stuck in all the negative that we’ve heard about kids with divorced parents that we don’t consider all the ways in which a divorce could be better for the kids and provide a healthier environment to grow up in. We all want what is best for our children. We want them to be as well-adjusted and happy and secure as they can be. Sometimes the choice you fear is actually the best one.
The most painful part of my divorce was considering the effect it would have on my children. My children were 24, 22, 19, and 13 at the time. Two of the four were on their own and grown, one was in college, and the fourth was living at home.
My ex and I had a relatively peaceful existence with each other, with occasional arguments. We had done a LOT of work on our marriage and it was because of that work our children, the last years of the marriage had both a stable and peaceful home. Yet, this marriage therapy brokered peace was perhaps the loneliest place of my whole marriage.
Why? Because I was staying in the marriage for everyone else, but myself.
Since that time I have come to realize that I bought into the notion that divorce is ALWAYS bad for children. That is simply untrue and sometimes divorce is better for kids then staying married for the “sake of the children.”
Here are some things to consider:
1. Get Kids Out of the Arguing
The environment we raise our kids in has a huge impact on them. In homes with chronic conflict, research shows that divorce may be better for the children in the long run. If there is constant arguing and discontentment, they will know and understand more about it than you might think. They may feel very uncertain and out of control when their environment is out of control. What children can learn from divorce is to not stay in places where they are unhappy. We teach them to make choices for themselves, to change the environment or the people they are around in order to find more contentment and joy, and growth. We offer them an opportunity to become resilient.
Make the decision to not bad mouth the other parent while you are getting divorced. Don’t put your child in a position of taking sides or choosing who to show love to most. You are trying to get the child OUT of that type of situation.
I realize that many of us have to deal with an uncooperative former partner. It is extremely difficult not to talk about the other parent when that parent is saying horrible stuff about you. My advice is to keep showing up for your kids in a positive way, say as little as you can about your former spouse, and show the kids that you love them unconditionally. This is the secret: Kids grow up and they will remember how everyone behaved during this time.
Often children will distance themselves from the parent who was unkind or cruel. If your child has a support system, like family members showing up or a professional counselor or therapist, take advantage of it. Kids need that support system so they can process it as well and build that new foundation after the divorce is final.
2. Get Kids Out of Abusive Circumstances
Getting children out of an abusive home is the best gift we can ever give them. Issues with alcohol, narcissism, physical and emotional abuse, are all reasons to get children out of a bad situation. If it reaches a point where our child is willing to put themselves at risk, it has gone too far. The moment to leave is as soon as possible.
3. Build a One-on-One Relationship with Our Kids
We get one-on-one time with our children that we never did before, while we were with our spouse. I have a better relationship with my kids now because my spouse is not mediating it.
With a lot of women, waiting for their spouse to show up and help is common. Knowing they won’t show up for us in that way because we are divorced actually can bring some peace of mind. Over time, we don’t get pissed anymore about it, because this new life was part of the decision, and we can focus more on showing up and being there for our kids in ways that work for us and them. It will be a new normal, but our relationships with our kids can be so much stronger because of it.
Once, in my old house, my son was over by his dad and his dad’s new girlfriend during the time we were separated. She bent down and kissed him on the top of his head as we were leaving I was horrified, thinking I didn’t want anyone else to kiss him on the top of his head. My fears of being replaced by another woman rose to the surface. With the help of other divorced moms, I had to realize that children cannot have too many people to love them. That knowledge changed how I felt about it. It does take a village to raise well-adjusted kids and as long as our ex and their partner love them, it’s good for the kids.
Consider it a positive thing if a spouse brings in someone reasonable, kind, and love to support our children. They may not love them the same way we do, but it is absolutely okay if children have more than two caring adults to love them. Kids don’t confuse their step-mom with their mother. They won’t forget who their mom is. Try to think of divorce and the families we build after, not as a division, but as a multiplication.
4. Double the Holidays
Unless we divorce someone who disappears, our kids can have the benefit of two Christmases, two Easters, etc. Double the holidays and double the fun experiences they get to have. It may take some negotiating on the part of you and your former spouse, but making those holidays happen is possible and can be fun for the kids.
5. More Life Experiences and Environments to Explore and Learn From
We need to stop looking at families in a heteronormative paradigm. There are many ways children can thrive in families. As long as they are loved, valued, and respected as human beings, the size and shape of the family don’t really matter. There’s no reason to keep two people miserable for the sake of the children when the entire family could benefit from everyone finding their own happiness.
Studies have shown that 75-80 percent of kids whose parents divorce grow into well-adjusted adults, capable of achieving goals and having healthy relationships. And as many as 42 percent showed higher well-being scores than their counterparts whose families didn’t experience divorce. Kids from high conflict homes especially are relieved when parents get divorced. They don’t have to live in what feels like a crazy environment anymore and they get so many more experiences.
Kids get to see a whole new mom. They see us loved and supported in a way we weren’t before. We as their parents have the opportunity to set an example of what it means to live a fulfilling life. That example alone can be huge for a child. They can learn to choose the kind of life that will make them happy.
The goal always is that kids have an environment to grow and to learn from. With a divorce, those environments might be doubled. If both parents stay engaged and involved, the children can have more experiences with each of their parents than what they might’ve had while they were together.
6. Divorce Can Benefit the Kids if You Approach it With Your & Their Best Interests in Mind
Divorce can be scary and is so stressful for most of us. But kids are resilient and thrive on new experiences. When we do what is best for us, we teach our children to do what is best for them.
If you’re struggling to navigate your divorce or trying to create a support system around you with others who have been where you are, don’t hesitate to contact me. I have a variety of resources including Facebook groups of women like us, who can share the benefits they’ve found for their children in their decision, as well as ways to handle any issues that may arise. We get to share and support each other.
I also have resources on my website, along with support groups, and one on one coaching. As always, if you need support I would be honored to walk with you on your journey.
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