Divorce is often an off limit topic, yet it’s also very common, so let’s get real and actually talk about it. When we do talk about it, it’s often vague or unemotional, not wanting to burden others or share what sometimes feels like a failure. We are rarely told what we need to know or might be helpful to hear.
With that in mind, here are nine things we need to know about divorcing our spouse, based on my own experience of divorcing my ex-husband after over a quarter-century of marriage.
1. The person we are divorcing is not the person we married.
This is a very sad truth and it takes a while for many of us to absorb this information. We all evolve, but not always together and so much gets hidden or withheld along the way. When we haven’t been connecting with our spouse, we can suddenly realize one day that we no longer know them at all. That can be very painful.
The nature of divorce is that people can become self interested, and some people have to go into self preservation mode. Many things they have been holding back come right out and upfront.
Even if we thought we knew them or understood their experience, we can be blindsided by what hasn’t been said until now. Living with another person we can learn so much about them and their habits, but we cannot see inside their mind or even read their mind for that matter. Sometimes what has been going on behind the scenes and in their emotional world isn’t what it looks like on the outside.
2. The time it takes for divorce varies from state to state and country to country.
Give yourself time. Factors like who we are divorcing, how we are with each other, and if we need finances figured out can all affect the time it takes. Most people get divorced to legally sort that out and it could be very easy or very messy depending on our circumstances. There are many different ways and types of divorce, and this varies depending on your circumstances.
My divorce took a year and a half. I wanted to pursue divorce mediation, but my then husband was unable to participate in this process in a meaningful way. Eventually, we needed to each have our own lawyer and we divorced in the very traditional way and it was messy and painful.
No matter which divorce method we end up choosing or are forced into, make sure our legal representation is the best we can afford.
Something important to remember about divorce is that it is a very emotional experience, for both partners involved.
When it comes to the legal aspect, I always recommend that people who are highly charged and entangled put these things aside to be sorted out once we are more emotionally stable if possible. As long as no one is being a jerk to each other, let the emotions dissipate, so when it comes to the legal component we can actually sort it out and get through it.
One thing I regret is I did not see a lawyer before I moved out of my home. If we make an emotionally charged decision in haste, we may regret it later or have it used against us. Take time and cool off if necessary before figuring things out with legal council. Particularly if there are children involved, the choices we make before our divorce is final can influence their future, so be sure to speak with an attorney so that things go as best as possible down the road.
3. Closure isn’t always necessary.
We don’t have to get our spouse to agree to get divorced. Sometimes we want alignment around the divorce and agreement on our own terms, but we may never get it.
If our partner doesn’t agree and we know it is right for us, we just take care of it. It’s about our needs and mentality. Many times in this situation we are afraid to put our needs first, but I am here to give permission. It is VERY important for our future to put our needs first.
We have to stop being attached to a certain outcome and let ourselves grow with whatever the journey brings. Even when it’s disappointing. We can get to a place of peace around it because we know within ourselves it was right for our needs, even if we never get that kind of response from our former spouse. Letting go of anger around a divorce can take time, give space for these very complicated and challenging feelings.
4. You don’t have to tell your spouse about your sexuality.
I frequently remind my clients that if we haven’t come out to a spouse, people divorce for a myriad of reasons, and we don’t need to share about our sexuality.
There are many factors within a marriage that make it not work and someone’s sexuality is likely not the only one, or the direct cause of divorce. We should be able to come out when we are ready to share that private, but true part of ourselves and not because we feel pressured to give more reasons you aren’t happy in your marriage.
If I had to do it over again, I would not have told my husband I was gay before divorcing him. It made it more miserable. It created more stress, shame, and blame, around something that I was struggling with already. Like many women, I took the responsibility of the divorce on my little queer shoulders and it was so much more complicated than that. We do that as women – take responsibility for things we should not.
Waiting until we were through might’ve made it less painful for me and for him, or at least made the pain easier to bear because things would’ve been worked through in pieces over time. I can’t change the decision I made at the time, but I want anyone else going through that to know that they do have a choice and it is OK if you don’t want to come out amidst the stress of our divorce.
You know who you are and when and who you share that with, is up to you.
5. More Freedom & Space to Discover Yourself
We as a society tend to live in troubled marriages for a long time. Don’t get stuck by this mentality. There is a sense of freedom when we are no longer tied to someone that hasn’t brought us joy and happiness. Sometimes spouses disagree, so then we “compromise” or give up who we are and what we want to serve their needs. When we are divorced, that goes away so we can do what we want, and see what is best for us.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, divorced moms often have more time to do things that THEY want to do. More alone time means more free time to do what you want or need to be doing. This is particularly true if you have split custody.
You have the opportunity to create a life you want for yourself when you are divorced.
We can take classes, learn new things, meet new people, or just stay home and have quiet alone time with a book and a glass of wine. What we do is up to us and that’s the beauty of it. We get to know ourselves and are truly free to be known, and be authentic.
6. We may lose friends, but we also gain them.
In my experience, and many of my clients, it is typical to lose friends when we get divorced but we have an opportunity to make new friends that align with our values. In a marriage, friendships are often built around work colleagues, places of worship, or other couples that have children the same age or on the same soccer team.
We become couple friends. Not friends in the way we made friends before our marriage: with people who had similar values, interests, and hobbies. But friendships in which the only things that really connect us are our marriage and/or our children.
Now is our chance to make new friends again: ones that support you in your values and share similar views or interests. Now you can do the things you always wanted to do but couldn’t, and see what amazing people you get to connect with along the way. There is life and true friendship after divorce, too. Don’t let the fear of losing people who weren’t actually there to be your friend stop you from doing what’s best for you.
7. We may miss our spouse or grieve the loss of the marriage.
There is no timeline for getting over divorce. We may grieve it whether we initiated it or not. Sometimes we may miss our spouse even if they were crappy. In my experience, I was really missing the family unit versus missing my spouse. But even if we long for their company at times, it’s okay to miss that and still know that we made the right decision.
About 80% of divorces are initiated by women, 90% if they are college-educated @jemmaranecoaching (TikTok). Often as women, we carry the emotional burden of a relationship. If we are feeling disconnected and try to bring it up to our spouse and then nothing changes, eventually we will lose hope.
Men often describe being “blindsided” by this unhappiness even though the woman was very clear about it when she brought it up. We may feel like we tried so hard and the fact that it didn’t work or they couldn’t hear or understand our needs, or maybe we failed somehow. It feels like a lot of time was lost in being unhappy. It’s okay to grieve losing that time or the stability marriage provided. There is no instant switch to get over something like that.
If someone passes away, people give us time and space, but they don’t do that with divorce. So we need to give that time and space to ourselves. If we’re still really struggling after it’s been a few years or we’re deeply angry or sad, get professional support through a coach or therapist to have a person to talk to about it. That way our friends don’t get sick of hearing about our divorce, and we can get the help we really need. When it is difficult right from the get-go, don’t wait. Professional support is there for a reason.
And remember: we don’t have to be afraid to move forward. When we are ready, do it with confidence and faith. We have gotten ourselves this far and we know ourselves. Step into all that life has to offer beyond grief and sadness.
8. It’s okay to be happy.
It’s okay to feel whatever we feel and that includes being happy. We can be divorced and be okay. We don’t have to be ashamed or sad (though we might feel those things, too).
Divorce isn’t a failure. It is often a necessary change for our well-being and healing. We get to celebrate that. There is joy after divorce and we don’t need to be ashamed for feeling it. Embrace those moments of joy and lean into what brings that happiness. Loving ourselves through whatever feelings arise and knowing they are all valid and it gets better is key to finding that happiness.
There are a lot of things we learn when going through a divorce and all we feel is sometimes surprising, but it is something we are strong enough to get through. And we don’t have to do it alone.
If you are going through divorce and questioning or discovering your sexuality. I am here to help.
Whether you are seeking individual coaching or a group environment (with lots of new friends to meet), I would be honored to help. As someone who has been where you are, I know what it takes to get through all that is uncomfortable and unknown about divorce and building a new life for yourself. Don’t hesitate to get the support you need. You can schedule a discovery call with me here and we can talk about the variety of ways you can get the support I am committed to providing a safe space for you to be who you are and ask the tough questions. There are so many people here to help and support you as you face this change midlife.
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