I came out as a lesbian in 2016, after ten years of struggling with my sexual identity. I was married for a quarter of a century, mom of four kids, ordained minister, and firmly established in my career as a hospital chaplain.
During that time did I think of my sexuality daily? No, I did not.
It would come up, stay awhile in my psyche, and then fade slowly from consciousness. Although I tried very hard to push it away, because of all the disruption it would lead to in my life, it kept coming back like a persistent stray cat showing up at the backdoor trying to get fed and become a member of the family.
I worked with various therapists during this time trying to get validation for my feelings. Like many of us in the later in life community, therapeutic relationships failed me when I tried to talk about my sexuality.
The first therapist, who was straight, asked “have you slept with a woman?” I replied I had not. She never asked me again. I guess I failed her litmus test and she never brought it up again. Struggling with my own shame and internalized homophobia, I didn’t either. After all, she was the expert.
The second time I brought it up was with a lesbian marriage therapist, my ex-husband and I were seeing for marriage counseling. In a session, I said, “I think I am gay.” She paid little attention to this statement, instead chalking it up to the troubled relationship I had with my mother. (Insert eye roll here.) I regret all the power I gave to the “experts” around confirming my sexual orientation. The only person who needed to confirm my sexual orientation or identity was me.
AFFIRMING SUPPORT EMPOWERS YOU TO LIVE AUTHENTICALLY
What saved me was finding an online group of supportive women who were also coming out later in life. Hearing my story in their story over and over again was life giving to me. Suddenly, I found the strength to make all the necessary changes in my life so that I could begin to live authentically as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. Like the stray cat, I finally found a home, it was both life giving and affirming.
HOW I STARTED AS A COMING OUT COACH
Like many people who have had a life-altering experience I wanted to give back to this community and I began to provide support groups for women coming out later in life. It was a natural fit for me after years of running spirituality groups in the recovery community and grief support groups as a hospice chaplain. I know the power of a group of people who are sharing a similar experience to support each other during a difficult time. The groups are often the first group of friends and confidants in the queer community.
As time went on, some of the women I worked with asked if I could meet one-on-one with them. A coaching business was born and all my experiences as a counselor, chaplain, minister, and adult development trainer became sharply focused on helping people, particularly women, coming out later in life.
A theologian once said, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”
I highly recommend working with someone when you are coming out later in life. Remember the marriage therapist I mentioned? She ended up being helpful to me in the first year of my coming out. Although she was a lesbian, she struggled to understand the nuances of coming out later in life. Looking back she was extremely vested in saving my safe, yet troubled, relationship with my ex as she actively encouraged me to stay in my mixed-orientation marriage. In retrospect, I realized that she had an agenda that wasn’t in my best interest. I truly wished I had someone who understood this journey when I was a newbie.
Contrary to the above, I have found therapy extremely valuable in my life, and I am a proponent of it to help us understand our past and its effect on us, our behavior, and the choices we make in life. I explored the difference between a coach and a therapist in a different blog post here.
SO WHY WORK WITH A COACH THROUGH THE COMING OUT PROCESS?
1. Coaches have often played the game as a player. If you decide to work with a coach, please find someone who has played this “game” of coming out later in life.
2. Coming out later in life is often a very solitary journey, it is life-sustaining to have someone on the journey with you who is NOT a romantic partner. Often a first lesbian relationship is our only tie to our queer identity and having a coach to affirm your identity is crucial, especially if your first relationship falls apart.
3. A coach understands the community it represents. Sometimes entering a new culture is confusing. The LGBTQIA+ community is a culture and it is helpful to have someone who gets it and can explain the questions that may come up.
4. A coach also can normalize the intense feelings associated with this awakening. Coming out later in life is a mixture of grief, curiosity, joy, and confusion. Feelings we may experience as outside our “normal” are often very “typical” in this particular journey.
5. A coach can be your sounding board and also help you set goals and hold you accountable to fulfill them.
6. A coach is a partner on your journey and should not have an agenda for where you land at the end of the relationship. Like exploring and accepting our sexual orientation, there are many ways to live out our truth and that truly is our decision to make.
FINDING THE RIGHT SUPPORT WHEN YOU COME OUT IS CRUCIAL
Whether you decide on a therapist, coach, or both, finding a professional support person as we are coming out is so very crucial during this process.
If you choose to work with me through your journey, you can count on me to come with no agenda, to listen, to affirm who you say you are, and to ask you questions to understand and hear you out.
You can learn more about the one-on-one coaching programs here and more about the support groups we provide for women in the coming out process here.
Anne-Marie is a coming out coach and provides emotional and spiritual support for those who identify as women coming out to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can contact her at amazanzal@gmail.com or book a free call here to talk more about your journey.
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