There is no timeline for self-discovery and no end to development. As we grow older, we can come to understand a wide variety of things about ourselves that we hadn’t realized before or that have changed over time, often because we are growing more comfortable and confident as we age.
Sexuality is no exception. Sexuality can be a lifelong discovery, and something that takes time to fully understand, particularly for women who realize they aren’t straight later in life. It can be confusing, especially as an adult to be questioning your sexuality and wondering if all these years you somehow missed something big about yourself. You are not alone. Here are seven common signs that you may not be straight, even if you discover and accept it later in life.
1. Straight girls don’t lie awake at night wondering if they are gay.
This may seem obvious, but people who aren’t attracted to the same sex, don’t usually worry about whether or not they are gay or bisexual. They don’t even think about experiencing attraction or sexual experiences beyond hetero experiences, so there is nothing to question. Or if they do have a same gender sexual encounter they happily go back to the opposite gender and don’t give it a second thought. If you’re finding yourself questioning your sexuality at 2 AM, or wondering about it every once in a while or every time you have a moment to yourself, or you’re reading THIS ARTICLE, it could be a sign you’re not straight.
2. You dream about kissing women and/or men aren’t in your dreams
When your dreams are filled with women or you dream of kissing or sleeping with them, there’s a good chance you’re gay, lesbian, or bisexual. If women appear frequently in your dreams in a romantic or sexual way, it may be time to take a look at how you’ve understood your sexuality in the past, and give yourself space to explore those feelings you’re having for other women.
Just as much as what fills your dreams is a sign about your sexuality, so is what is absent. If your dreams or sexual fantasies are curiously lacking men, or if you aren’t able to visualize men or pleasurable experiences when you daydream (even if you’re in a relationship with one or have been with one long-term), you may be attracted women, and you could be gay.
3. You’re addicted to all things lesbian (TikTok, TV, movies, books, porn)
Have you started watching or reading lesbian content and been unable to stop? You’ve gone down a rabbit hole on lesbian TikTok or binged every episode of The L Word. You’re watching and rewatching Carol, Imagine Me and You, and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Your Google search history is filled with questions about lesbians or lesbianism. You’re reading articles and memoirs about famous lesbians or other queer folks and you’ve started following lesbian YouTubers and couples on Instagram. You see yourself in these people and in their experiences and you want your life to reflect what you see. If you can’t get enough it is definitely a sign you are not straight.
4. Little interest in men or sex with men
When there’s little interest in men in your life or in sex with men, even if you have been in relationships with more than a few, it may be time to look at those feelings you’ve been having for women, because that’s evidence you’re not straight.
You may have a long history with men, even marriage and children, but if the thought of being with a man isn’t what excites you, or brings you pleasure, remember, your relationship history is not what determines your sexuality. It encompasses so much more about how you feel, who you connect with, and how you have your emotional needs met.
5. You are in love with or have an almost obsessive “girl crush” on a friend or acquaintance.
It’s that girl that you like a little too much. You can’t get enough of her and think about her all the time. You want to spend as much time with her as possible and are always looking forward to the next time you get to talk or be together. It’s much more than friendship or a “girl crush”, even if you don’t know how to define it.
In high school, it was your best friend, in college, your roommate, and now it’s your neighbor, close friend, or one of the other soccer moms in your neighborhood. Maybe you’ve fallen in love with this woman or have found a connection as you’ve never had with a man. Maybe you finally feel that thing you thought you’d been missing or like you’re comfortable in your own skin for the first time in your life. You may have started to dream about touching her or kissing her or just experiencing the day-to-day companionship and life with her and you keep hoping there is more of a future with her in it.
To be clear, straight women don’t have these kinds of intense feelings towards their friends. It’s easy to assume that all women think of their friends or women they admire in those ways because we talk so often of “girl crushes,” but if you’ve always got another woman on your mind, you’re probably not straight. If you get distracted from things like work thinking about your crush or by women when they walk by you, these are also sure signs there is something more there for you.
6. You have many gay/queer/trans friends and feel more comfortable with them than straight friends and you’re a huge supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community
Are most of your friends queer or you feel most at home in their company? Perhaps it’s easier to relate to them and you naturally feel drawn to their community. You’re supportive of their lives and understand them instinctively. You feel that in them you’ve found your people. If that’s the case, it’s likely because it’s a community you ARE a part of. Even if you are not ready to accept it yet, or to come out, it can definitely be an indication of your sexuality.
7. You look longingly at all things gay and think “I wish that was me”
When you see lesbian couples, do you find yourself wishing you had what they have? Maybe you’ve never had the kind of closeness you see in them with a man. To you, everything feels more natural with women and you could even envy them for getting to have that in their romantic relationships. At this point, you may have spent decades of your life in relationships that didn’t give you everything you needed emotionally, physically, or mentally because they weren’t with women and you’re only now realizing the very real desire you have to be with one.
You see gay people that are out and proud, expressing queer joy with their partner, and it feels warm and bright and resonates somewhere deep and joyful within you. That, too, is evidence that no matter where you’re at in life or how late to the game you think you are, embracing your sexuality in its fullness can bring you that kind of joy.
If one, or several, of these seven signs you aren’t a straight woman resonate with you, and you’re looking for space to explore your feelings for other women or get to know other women like you who have discovered this aspect of their sexuality later in life, I offer several support groups as well as one-on-one coaching where I am committed to meeting you where you are at, without judgment.
This is a journey for everyone, and for many it can take time and courage to live authentically. It is very important to me that you know you are not alone, and there are many others who have been right where you are. It’s not too late to find happiness, and it’s not too late to embrace your sexuality.
