Story time: Nearly two years ago, I ended an engagement with a woman who I loved very much. While she is in many ways a good human being, our lifestyles and families were just waaaay too different. The decision to end things was a painful one. I know, I know, ending it was my choice – and whether you’re the one who initiates the breakup or not, the end of a relationship is painful for everyone.

Breaking up launched me into a period of deep reflection and therapy to process what happened. I didn’t want to find myself in this position ever again, so I felt like I had to get to the bottom of why I keep losing myself in a relationship. I moved out, I grieved hard. And, just a few short weeks later, I happened to see my ex’s profile photo on a Facebook comment – and she was smiling and snuggled up with her new woman.

I have to be honest here. Even though I wanted that relationship to end, seeing her move on so quickly with someone new was a shock. Here I was, grieving, and she, with lightning speed, moved on to the next partner. Of course, I wanted her to be happy (and still do). But damn, did it sting to see how quickly I’d been replaced. You bet it did. It made me wonder, am I really that unspecial and replaceable? It was a shot to my sense of self-worth that I was not expecting.

I know I can’t be the only one who has gone through this, so, my darling queer one, take it from your lesbian dating coach Barb, you are not alone in your feelings. Here are my reflections on healing after my “she’s-got-a-new-lover-after-I-left-her” experience.

Feel all the feels. 

Girl, there ain’t nothin’ for it but to go through it. Cry if you want to. Feel sad. Feel angry. Whatever feelings come up, just acknowledge them. Remember, feelings are just visitors, not residents – they do not stay forever. Eventually, most feelings pass.

But what if the pain doesn’t pass, then what? 

If it’s been weeks or even months since your ex has moved on and you’re still ruminating over difficult thoughts and hard feelings, friend, it’s time to get professional help. A therapist, counselor, or coach can help you break the rumination cycle, change your behavior, and define the values that are important to you. Living a values-oriented life and improving our sense of self is a proven path to healing.

Unfriend and/or block. 

I mean it. Listen, if you keep stoking the flames, they’re going to go higher. Looking at her Instagram feed is not going to help you detach from your difficult emotions. The dopamine hit you get by seeing her photo or small interactions, like ‘Likes’ and comments, will spike and then quickly descend into sadness and rumination. While you’re healing, take a break from her socials. If you find you can’t help but peek at her profiles, block her. I KNOW. Girl, I know. It’s SO HARD. But trust me and every single mental health professional that gives the same advice – blocking will give you the space you need to heal.

Alone doesn’t have to be lonely. 

Something I’ve since gotten really good at is relishing my alone time. It has actually been very healing. Having space and time to connect with friends and govern my own time spent according to my interests, wants, and needs is really quite empowering. Want popcorn for dinner 3 nights in a row? Have at ‘er. Want to spend the whole afternoon at the gym? You go, Wonder Woman! Want to drop everything to spend the weekend with your bff, drinking wine and eating your weight in brie cheese? Pass the crackers. It’s your life, girlfriend. Go live it your way! Being single is not a punishment – it’s an opportunity for self-growth, self-love, and, eventually, a relationship that aligns with the love and respect you deserve.

Her choices aren’t about you. 

Listen, I get it. She’s moved on quickly and you’re feeling easily replaceable. My dude, please remember, her eagerness to torpedo into her next relationship is so not about you. Can I be real here? People with insecure attachment styles tend to move on quickly, chasing that new-relationship dopamine hit and seeking the connection and acceptance they so desperately crave. This is no shade to anyone with an insecure attachment style, btw – we come by those honestly (recovering avoidant here)! My point here is this: it’s not about your worth as a partner, it’s about their need for validation and acceptance. So don’t internalize, friend; it’s not about you.

Lean into healthy habits. 

Thank the goddess above that my breakup happened in spring, just as the growing season was starting. I am an avid grower (flowers are my obsession), which meant that during my heaviest period of grieving, I was outside in the fields, digging and planting in the sunshine. All of that physical work also meant I slept more soundly at night. If you’re in breakup recovery mode, take extra care to lean into healthy routines. Get your 8 hours of sleep. Shower every day. Get outside and move your body. Be in nature, if you can. These things are all powerfully healing.

Treat yourself with kindness. 

We can be so hard on ourselves, harder than we would ever be to anyone else in our lives. Grieving isn’t easy, nor does it have a linear trajectory. You may have setbacks. One day, you’re fine; the next day, you’re weeping in front of a bewildered civil servant as you change the address on your driver’s license (does that sound…ahem…oddly specific?). Feelings will bubble over; there will be slip-ups and setbacks. It’s ok. Give yourself some grace because, honey, healing is a winding path, not a freeway. You’ll get there.

Are you stuck in the post-breakup blues? Need help to break the cycle of bad feelings? Individual coaching sessions could help you get over this rough patch, faster! Book your session today!