Coming out is such a big deal for most of us that once we decide we want to live authentically and open that part of ourselves to others, we look most forward to having it over and done with so we can move on with our lives and beyond the stress of sharing something that often feels so deeply vulnerable.
We often long for a sense of normalcy where our sexuality and identity aren’t constantly being assumed, scrutinized, questioned, disbelieved, or doubted. Unfortunately, coming out is not a one time experience.
For many people in the queer community, we find we have to come out many, many times over the course of our lives. That isn’t always a bad thing, but it may not be what you expect as you begin coming out and changing your life mid life.
What is Coming Out?
Typically, coming out can be seen as a big event, and when we really own who we are and share openly to a large number of people at once.
However, coming out can look different for everyone. And it’s usually a journey, and a process. Some people choose never to come out. For some it means the time we chose to tell our family and friends we are no longer identifying as straight, but it’s not always that simple. This can be a painful, yet joyous time. Navigating how each of our dear ones reacts and how we move forward with them can be extremely difficult and setting new boundaries to honor who we are is a skill we may have to develop.
They may be extremely supportive or not understand at all or even be critical. We move through the fear and tell those we love the most, honoring who we are and stepping into the relief of at least knowing where we stand.
Once they’ve been told, though, it can feel like we are done. However, most of us don’t live in a bubble of family and close friends and we interact with many other people in various ways throughout our lives. Even new people, who we meet after our initial big reveal we at one point may feel the need to come out too
Why isn’t it a one-time thing?
Some people never have to come out because they are assumed to be gay or trans. They have a glass closet. They may not appear to fit in society’s gender binary (or happily reject it altogether) or are seen as a stereotype. Their queerness is often seen as obvious and many assumptions can be made about their identity. This can also put this part of our community in a space significantly less safe than those of us who can “pass” as straight. We need to be their strongest allies and supporters.
Those of us who can “pass” as straight often feel the pressure and need to come out continuously because our sexuality is assumed to be heteronormative. This makes us safer in so many ways and is certainly a privilege we have to negotiate. Coming out becomes a typical part of living, commonplace and necessary as we live our authentic lives.
Common Situations Where We Come Out… Again
There are so many situations where a person’s sexuality is relevant that we don’t think of when we are in straight relationships because the gender of our partner is assumed to be the opposite sex.
Compulsory heteronormativity isn’t something we easily escape because it’s considered a given in our society, even if that isn’t the truth. So, the reality is we have to come out all the time. Sometimes we may even have to come out multiple times to family, friends, and associates.
The situations where we come out, especially later in life, can appear to be endless.
Particularly if we’ve built a different sort of life or identity prior to this.
It often happens:
- Whenever we say “my wife” or “my husband”…we are coming out.
- When a man hits on you and you are there with your partner.
- When we get new coworkers or new neighbors or find a new hobby.
- When every ticket taker assumes you are with the man in front of you instead of your wife who is right behind you.
- When we are getting married.
- When we are planning for our honeymoon.
- When we are calling the fertility specialist or visiting the doctor.
- At the doctor’s office when asked about our sexual activity, orientation, or gender identity There are some true health concerns for our community that sometimes get overlooked because our sexuality is assumed. (Link would be helpful here)
- At the doctor’s office if we are asked if we could be pregnant after we clearly state that we are a lesbian or with a woman.
- When we start a new job.
- When we move to a new area.
- When we run into old acquaintances, and they are not actively involved in daily life.
- And so many more…
Will it get better?
Eventually, you do get used to it, but there is often this split second of discomfort when we end up telling our truth to someone we do not particularly want to let into our world. Because it happens even if we don’t want it to. At times it is necessary, and we can expect it.
At other times, coming out isn’t what we intended, but must do anyway. Sometimes it can be a litmus test to see what type of person you are dealing with and that is helpful information.
Coming Out Isn’t Always Uncomfortable, Eventually You Find Pride & Joy in Being Who You Are
It isn’t all bad or uncomfortable. I have forged many friendships because I had to come out when it wasn’t expected. There are allies and so many other queer folx out there and coming out may be the only way to make some of those connections. It also helps our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters who may not pass as easily or who don’t feel safe coming out, because we get to be a bridge and show others the many faces of queerness as well as stand up for our community in big ways.
Coming out later in life, for most of us, certainly doesn’t feel easy. And it may not be easy the 10th or 100th time, but it does get easier. Coming out repeatedly gives us a chance to practice talking about who we are and owning our identity.
As I have become comfortable in my queer identity, I have reframed this term to more of a “letting in”.
If you need a safe space to work on coming out or letting in, where you know everyone is understanding, do not hesitate to reach out. Besides individual coaching and group support, I have several Facebook groups for women who are and have been in your shoes—both paid and free options are available
In these private, safe spaces we are lucky because we get to practice coming out together and navigating the myriad ways our sexuality matters in our lives. Remember that you do not have to face this all by yourself. There are many who are right here facing similar journeys, discovering who they want to be, how to express themselves and live authentically.
I believe that everyone deserves that chance to have support, and space to discover, and explore without judgment, or an agenda. It is my honor for me to walk alongside you and so many other women who are on their own journey. I am here to celebrate each coming out moment with you, and your ability to find a path that ultimately brings you happiness, and space to fully be you!
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