Of course you can come out as Bi later in life! There are so many misconceptions about bisexuality. It’s not an experimental identity, attention-seeking, a byproduct of a high sex drive, a phase, a sign of mental instability, or any number of other myths that contribute to its erasure. And young people are not the only bisexuals, I promise. It’s been portrayed so negatively by the media that it’s easy to be uncomfortable or put-off by the term, especially if you’re coming out later in life. There’s a lot of incorrect and negative representation to work through. It’s as valid as any other label in the LGBTQ+ spectrum, just so often misunderstood. There is no timeline on identity and no matter our age, we can choose what label fits our identity the best and that includes “bisexual.”
What does it mean to be Bi?
Healthline says, “Many people use “bisexual” as the umbrella term for any form of attraction to two or more genders.”
Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist defines it this way “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
There’s a lot of room in that definition for nuance and varying degrees of attraction. Whether you’ve discovered something new about yourself, it’s always been there, or if it feels like it’s expanding, it’s okay. There is room for what you’re experiencing. It’s not who you’re with that defines your sexuality, but the range of people you are or can be attracted to.
Your identity doesn’t change based on who you are or have been in a relationship with, or who you have slept with or not. Still bisexual. Even if you’ve never been with other genders than the one you’re currently with. Still valid. Even if you realize you’re attracted to more than one gender later in life. Still valid. Still bisexual.
Being Bi is more than a Trend, Its a Real Identity in the Queer Community
Bisexuality is not a phase and it’s not just “trendy,” It’s a totally valid identity. Bisexuals have always been involved in the queer community. Bisexual and lifelong activist, Brenda Howard, is considered the “Mother of Pride,” for her work planning Gay Pride Week and the Christopher Street Liberation Day Parade, both of which have inspired Pride celebrations around the world. She was chair of the Gay Activists’ Alliance for several years and supported the Gay Liberation Front as well working tirelessly for bisexual inclusion within the queer community. So much of what we celebrate is because of bisexuals like her.
Bisexuals also make up a large percentage of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s easy to feel invisible as someone who identifies as bisexual, especially when you may be straight-passing and not feel like you fit in the queer community, or you’re insecure about the validity of bisexuality itself. But you are definitely not alone here and no matter where you are in life, bisexuality is valid and there are so many women trying to figure this out and be comfortable with who we are.
Sexuality is a Spectrum – Bi can Be like an Umbrella
Sexuality doesn’t exist on an either/or binary. We aren’t either gay or straight. It’s a continuum and there is a whole spectrum of possibility and a rainbow of terms to choose from when finding what you most closely identify with. You get to choose your label or no label at all. Many people often try on every letter of the LGBTQIA+ alphabet before they decide a label that fits, and labels can change and evolve over time.
Maybe you find all genders attractive equally or maybe you find yourself drawn to certain people at varying degrees instead. Or perhaps it’s more about who someone is than their gender and as long as a person has the qualities you’re attracted to, their gender is irrelevant. Maybe your experience is like the character David Rose on Schitt’s Creek who, when asked about his sexuality, described it this way, “Umm, I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine… And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay, which got a bit complicated. I like the wine, not the label.”
It’s okay if you’re unsure and if bisexual becomes a stepping stone to a different label. You don’t have to pick one and stick to it for the rest of your life. The important thing is that you find yourself, not that you conform to ideas society has about certain groups of people or hold on to an identity that no longer feels right. It’s up to you.
So, maybe bisexuality will be the right term for you, or any of the other terms that fit under that bisexual umbrella. Maybe pansexual, polysexual, queer or fluid eventually feel more right to you. The term bisexual embraces them all and it’s okay to use what makes you feel the most comfortable, and the most affirmed in your identity. Or say you “like the wine, not the label,” and let go of the need for defining it further. It’s your journey and getting caught up in some rigidity about labels isn’t what’s important. It’s about acknowledging and being your authentic self.
Only You Determine Your Sexuality, Trust Yourself
Only you determine your sexuality, no one else can. It’s a journey of self discovery, self awareness, and self trust. I know how hard it is to believe yourself when so much of your life has been built on not knowing that aspect of who you are, but bisexuality is a valid identity and not a phase and if your heart is telling you this about yourself, it’s time to honor that and live authentically. Don’t let fear of being wrong get in the way.
A lot of people who are bisexual experience self-doubt, especially at first, always checking to make sure they still “feel” bisexual. The erasure in the community is vast and contributes to that fear, but there are so many people who identify as bisexual who are moving through it authentically, just like you are. Remember that if the label bisexual fits for a while and then doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a label. You can still be queer and you are still you. So don’t let fear stop you. There is no rush or pressure to have it all figured out right now, take your time figuring things out. People are here rooting for you and support you as you embrace all that you are.
Being bisexual is a beautiful thing. It’s a lovely thought to be able to love all sorts of people and a multitude of genders and gender expressions. It’s not only okay to be bisexual, but a really great thing. Remember that the B in LGBTQ+ stands for Bisexual so you definitely have a place in the queer community.
If you’re looking for support on this journey and yearning to embrace your sexuality but unsure how to start, I am here to help you navigate coming out on your terms. I would be honored to support you in this process, whether through my coaching sessions or in one of my Facebook groups. This is a wonderful journey, and I know how overwhelming it can be and you don’t have to do it alone. I also offer Free discovery calls to see how, and if I am the right person to support you. You can connect with me on Facebook to join my secret Facebook group which is full of more resources, support, and a community of women like you learning how to live life as their authentic and wonderfully queer selves.
