I am a coming out coach.  What is that, you may ask?  I work with people who are coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community.  I began coaching individuals after several years of running mutual support groups for this community.  Some of these women asked if I would be interested in providing support one on one to them. After some consideration, I agreed and a small business was born.  

What is a Coach? 

Coaching is a professional relationship that helps people produce results in their lives. The best coaches have traveled a similar path in their own life, much like a sports coach who has also played the game as a player. Coaches help people to bridge the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. Coaches partner with their clients to design the life they want, bring out their clients’ own intuitive resources so that they can achieve goals, and create different lives. By creating clarity, coaching moves the client into action, accelerating their progress by providing greater focus and awareness of all the possibilities which exist.  As a coach who specializes in people coming out, I work to stay within the parameters of this model.  

Why would you get a coach through this process? 

Coming out later in life sometimes can be isolating and confusing.  I have been through my version of the same process.  When I came out I worked with a professional therapist, an older lesbian who was actually married to a man a long time ago. The fact she was a lesbian had nothing to do with why I was working with her and that was purely coincidental. (Or was it?  The universe has a way of working sometimes…..)  At that time she was seventy-two and came out in 1970. She helped me in many other ways, but to be honest she had a limited understanding of my own later in life experience.  On my part  I automatically assumed because she was a lesbian and she would understand all the nauances of what I was going through.   

Several years before in marriage therapy, I brought up that I thought I was gay and she quickly dismissed it saying I had feelings for women due to my troubled relationship with my mom. A couple of years  after  I came out to her again in a session (read the story here) and this time she took it seriously.  Although she was a safe space to share my various feelings of coming out at fifty, some of her perceptions were outdated.  

Most disturbing of all was that she was still very vested in saving my ex’s and I marriage, telling me mixed sexual orientation marriages were possible.  Although this may be possible for some, it wasn’t for me as I wanted to be in a fully committed relationship with a woman. A therapist I had worked with for five years should have known this about me and who I was as a person.  As I reflect on our time together I realized that she often had an agenda of saving my marriage which now I know, for many reasons, was not the best thing for me.  Further, she should not have suggested she work with both me and my husband, and both of us  together, one cannot be both an individual and couples counselor to the same clients. 

If I could turn back time, I wished I had sought out someone who had this experience and the skill set to work with me on this journey.  It is a very unique journey and having someone who has walked this path can be very helpful.   Working with a coach would have helped me set goals, normalize the intense feelings and mood swings, and most importantly give me connection to the LGBTQIA+ community.  

How do you know that you are ready to work with a coach?  

That is a very personal decision. Over the years working with clients, I have found it is people who are committed to making changes or have specific goals that succeed the most.  My job is to stand with you, provide encouragement, impart the knowledge I have, and, as much as humanly possible, provide a nonjudgmental agenda-less presence.  I also normalize the experiences and feelings you are encountering in this journey. 

I know that it can be nerve-wracking to seek out support, particularly, when you are questioning your sexuality, or are trying to navigate who you are. And if you are not quite ready to talk that is alright. I am here ready to help you when you are ready to talk about what you are experiencing. Also, know that everything we do in support groups and in coaching is confidential, so you can be safe and have support without worrying about anyone outing you, or speaking for you.  

Some tips to decide if you are ready to work with a coach who specializes like I do in helping women who are exploring their sexual orientation and coming out later in life. 

Considering your sexual orientation is brand new for you.  

You have always thought of yourself as straight and you are surprised that you have feelings for your own gender.  This is a new world and you need some help and guidance to determine where your sexual orientation lies on the spectrum

You are unsure if you want to come out. 

Although I label myself as a coming out coach for business purposes, I do not have an agenda that this will be your end goal.  This is your journey, not mine and a helpful coach will always have your goals first and foremost. What you do and when you do it in your process is on your terms. I am here to walk your path with you. 

You are stuck or feeling stuck.  

You have tried to make changes, but cannot seem to do it on your own.  A coach can both provide clarity, motivate you, and help you reach your goals. 

You are looking for community.  

Coaches often provide mutual support groups and have a variety of resources to help you connect with a greater group of people who are experiencing the same thing. A coach will have the same experiences and can provide a connection to community right away as they are members of the same community, sometimes close to where you live.  Are you concerned about boundaries at this point?  A competent coach will make suggestions, but will always ask permission of both parties involved before sharing any additional information.  

You have a therapist, but they do not take your coming out seriously. 

Sometimes therapists have a limited understanding of this process and do not give it the proper attention it deserves.  You can have both a coach and therapist.  What is the difference? You can read more about it here.  If you cannot afford both, ascertain who will be the best person to go through this part of life’s journey with you.  Interestingly a large proportion of my clients are in the helping field (i.e. therapists or psychologists).  These wonderful human beings know when to look for an expert in the field to get help.  

You are divorcing your spouse of many years.  

This can be very hard and complex for some people.  Having someone who is experienced with divorce to walk with you through this process can be very beneficial.  A coach can be a sounding board, but also a person to validate and normalize these feelings.  A coach should never give legal advice and defer to the experts in that field.  

Coming out later in life is a varied experience with many nuances.  Finding the right support can ease the difficulties of this journey.  Good luck and I hope you find the perfect fit!

Anne-Marie is a coming out coach and provides emotional and spiritual support for those who identify as women coming out to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can contact her at amazanzal@gmail.com or book a call here to discuss the options.