There is the assumption that is made by society as a whole that  all of us are straight unless proven otherwise.  There are even words for this including “heteronormativity” or more strongly “compulsory heterosexuality.” Heteronormativity is based on the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality.  

Compulsory means required or obligatory; heterosexuality refers to sexual activity between members of opposite sexes. The phrase “compulsory heterosexuality” originally referred to the assumption by a male-dominated society that the only normal sexual relationship is between a man and a woman.

Under this theory, society enforces heterosexuality, branding as deviant any noncompliance. Therefore, the so-called normalcy of heterosexuality and any defiance against it both are political acts.The phrase carries the implication that heterosexuality is neither inborn nor chosen by the individual, but rather is a product of culture and thus is forced.  (https://www.thoughtco.com/compulsory-heterosexuality-overview-3528951)

Assumptions About Our Sexuality Can Influence Us in Major Ways 

The third, and final, time I stuck my toe out of the closet I was fifty years old. I had started down the straight path a long time ago when I was still a teenager. The straight path was not a choice, but assumption made by strong influences in my life including parents, family church, and, yes, me. I came of age in the mid-1980’s, the AIDS epidemic was beginning to devastate the gay community.  

Homophobia was rampant with politicians and religious leaders declaring this pandemic was God’s smiting the “homosexual” for his “deviant” behavior. Compulsory heterosexuality run amok if you will.  But there was one small problem with this assumption, lesbians were the least likely subset of humans to contract HIV.  As NOW’s then president Eleanor Smeal said “If AIDS is a scourge by God, then lesbians must be the chosen people.”  Like many of my generation, staying in the closet was safer than coming out at that time.  

Women, on average, take a lot longer to figure out that they are gay then men do. I work with women coming out later in life and that late bloomer realization age number can be as young as twenty-five or over seventy-fifty.  If you look at the lesbian community it is filled with women who have not only slept with men, but married them, and often had children. Further there seems to be a gold standard (pun intended) and there is a name actually of a “gold star lesbian” of a woman who has always only slept with women. This is somewhat of a fallacy that these women will judge you by your later arriving status. Yes, there are women who will judge late blooming “newbies” but typically most lesbian women are very welcoming to other wanting to join our community. My fiancee, who is out for over thirty years, jokes about newbies. “So you want to be a lesbian? Welcome to the party!” I teasingly call her a “silver star lesbian” because she has slept with only one man.This is not a “sanctioned” queer term by the way. 

Who You Sleep With Doesn’t Determine Your Sexuality (Neither Does Your Age)  

I came out later in life and I never slept with a woman. I remember working with my therapist during those early months of coming out and initially used the label of bisexual. Several weeks later I went back and rejected this label and said “Nope, I am a lesbian.” I am someone who takes forever to make up my mind about things, but this was one of the easiest labels I ever assumed, like becoming a mom.  

It is very common and normal to go through many labels before finding one that fits who you are as a LGBTQIA+ person. Further, for some of us this starts with an exploration of our sexuality, but we soon realize it is more about gender for us or a combination of both. Labels are not fixed, but they can change as we learn and grow.  You do not even have to use a label if that feels right for you.  When we break the paradigm of heteronormativity really anything is possible. 

How did I know I was a lesbian with out sleeping with a woman?  

Remember when we were teenagers?  The assumption was that boys wanted to sleep with girls and visa versa.  When I came out it was the same for me, I had a natural curiosity, rising libido and all consuming desire to sleep with and have emotional intimacy with a woman. Like a teenager I let the sexuality genie out of the bottle and It was overwhelming and intense.  I finally understood what my straight friends felt when they were teens.  

How come that is OK for straight teenagers to want this, yet no one says to them “You better sleep with that girl, to make sure your straight?” (See compulsory heterosexuality above). Ironically this can sometimes be assumed in the queer community as well when women come out later, some of us are asked, “How do you know you are gay if you have only been with men?” I believe this is such a mistake and reduces our relationships to a sexual litmus test, when all of us know they are lesbian relationships and who we are as people is so much more then who we bed. 

The reality is the only person who can label your sexuality and/or gender is you.  Not your husband, children, parents, siblings, friends or the life long lesbian hanging out at your local bar, at a MeetUp, on in a Facebook group.  You do not need to pass “yes, I have had sex with a woman” test to call yourself a lesbian, or to be a lesbian. 

Anne-Marie is a coming out coach and provides emotional and spiritual support for those who identify as women coming out to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can contact her at amazanzal@gmail.com or book a call here to discuss the options.