Although there are similarities in the later in life journey, we all come to this place from many different experiences and perspectives. In this short piece I will explore the more common themes I have witnessed over the last several years.
Some of us disassociate – we know on some level we are members of the LGBTQ family but we push down those feelings or deny that they exist. Desires and emotional longing do pop up occasionally and sometimes we lie awake at night wondering if we are gay, lesbian, bi or trans. Then something happens (onset of midlife, a major tragedy, divorce, a health scare, actual illness, accident, death of a loved one) and we begin to reevaluate our lives. In those moments of questioning our long denied sexuality comes to the forefront and we realize that yes, in fact, we are a family member. This is my story.
Others have had a same sex partner before, for a short while or years, and then we either go back into the closet for various reasons (religion, family, work, internalized homophobia) or decide that we are bisexual as we begin to date the opposite sex again. Until our core foundation is shaken either one way or another. We begin to revaluate our lives and realize that a same sex relationship is what is needed to fill in the “missing piece-ness”. Or that we continue to identify as bisexual, but want to be with our own gender again.
Still others fall in love with a friend or coworker or a stranger and all of sudden we realize that we are attracted to our gender for the first time in our lives, something we have never considered before. It stuns and confuses us with its intensity. This is often known as a catalyst – defined as a person or event that causes change. We wonder if it is because of a safe, but dissatisfying marriage? Or because it is just this person and the qualities that we are attracted? Or that we struggle connecting emotionally with our husband or boyfriend, but with this person what is so hard with our significant other is effortless with our new love. Or we have seen ourselves as asexual for years and now realize that we may not be.
Most of us have a catalytic event or person that opens us up to this questioning of our sexuality and the possibilities it might offer, and after this happens, some of us begin a journey that is life altering. As I wrote this short entry I learned that the root word for catalyst is derived from the Greek word katalύein – which means “dissolve”. For those of us have been on this journey for a while there is an “ahh yes” reaction to this meaning. For others who are new to this journey, who might be frightened by this word, I offer some wisdom. Sometimes some things have to dissolve to make way for other experiences to enter into our life. Sometimes it feels like all we know is falling apart, but I promise you life does come back together or fall into place. Life can reorder, and our perspective can shift, and we will be ok. Or even more than ok, we will be better than we have ever been.
Anne-Marie came out four years ago at fifty-two years old, after being married to a man for 27 years and four children. Anne-Marie provides individual and group support for women coming out later in life. She is a graduate of Yale Divinity School , an ordained minister in the progressive United Church of Christ, hospital and hospice chaplain, and a compassionate bereavement counselor certified by the MissFoundation. She live in Nashville, TN with her partner photographer Tonda McKay.
Her new blog “Later” reflects on the various themes and experiences of the coming out later in life community. Sign up for her newsletter to receive the latest blog post and other information regarding groups and individual counseling. Or join her Facebook group Vida Nova to have access to a community of women who are creating a vida nova or “new life” after major transition and change.
