Hi. I am Robin Sesan. A late 60ish cis-gender woman, white, Jewish, and later in life lesbian. I am also a psychologist, a couples’ therapist, an artist, a mother to two adult children, and a doting cat mom to Buffy. But these labels, though true, barely scratch the surface of who I am or the emotional journey I’ve taken.
When I Came Out, I Had to Come Out to Myself First & Then Things Changed
I came out in my mid-40s, after spending 19 years in a heterosexual marriage. I remember the moment I finally came out to myself—it felt like taking a deep breath after holding it for a long time. My marriage ended, and though it was for many reasons, only one of which was my sexuality, it felt like tearing apart the very fabric of my life.
Jude, my partner of 20 years, has been my anchor and my compass. We’ve been married for 11 years, and she is the love of my life, my confidante, the one who shares my joys and sorrows, and the one who makes me laugh so hard that I pee in my pants.
She’s a sociologist who wrote her dissertation on the narratives of later-in-life lesbians. She identified four themes: the “always knew“ lesbians, the “retrospective“ lesbians, the “I fell in love with this person” lesbian, and the “out of left field” – “I was shocked” lesbian. I fit into the retrospective category.
A Late-in-Life Retrospective Lesbian
When I look back, I can see the signs – friendships that were a little more than “just friends”, if you know what I mean, lesbian curiosities beginning in college and feelings along the way that I didn’t understand or couldn’t name. Like my obsession with a lesbian singing duo – Jade and Sarsaparilla who I followed when I lived in Boston in the 80’s. Duh! It took me over 20 years to find the courage to live authentically.
What my journey has looked like?
Falling in Love with a Woman & Ending My Marriage
When I fell in love with a woman, I shattered my “perfectly traditional heterosexual life.” The process was excruciating. Ending my marriage, moving out of a home I loved, disrupting the lives of my children—it felt like walking through fire. Some friends and colleagues felt betrayed and angry. My husband at the time couldn’t look at me without disgust and homophobia. I was swallowed by guilt and doubt.
Finding Hope in the Chaos & Living Life More Fully
But amidst the chaos, there was a glimmer of hope. My long-standing low-level depression lifted. I could breathe deeply for the first time in years. I found unexpected allies and my besties stood right by me and held me up along the way. I began to experience myself and my world in more congruent, new, and fuller ways.
Processing Grief, Finding My Home & Safe Haven
And then came the grief over the lost years. Guilt gnawed at my heart, especially regarding my children. There was confusion about my identity, uncertainty about who to come out to and when. I faced the subtle loss of heterosexual privilege. But this sadness and grief were different from depression—they were part of a necessary process of healing and self-discovery. In the midst of this emotional storm, there were moments of pure, unexpected joy. With Jude I found a love and connection I never knew was possible. I found a “home” and a safe haven.
Possibilities That Have Enriched My Life & Helping Lesbian Couples Too
The road over these many years has had its ups and downs. My life as a later in life lesbian has opened up doors and possibilities that have enriched my life. As a couples’ therapist, I now help lesbian couples navigate their unique challenges, recover from injuries and betrayals, and build stronger, more secure bonds. And my art often reflects the journey from one’s outer self to one’s inner self – tapping into hidden strengths.
Through this journey, I’ve discovered that I am brave. I am resilient. I am capable of deep, authentic love. And I have found my voice. There’s a little bit of magic in my day-to-day life—a magic born from living authentically, loving deeply, and embracing the beautiful, messy journey that brought me here.
Robin is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and Supervisor and owner of The Brandywine Center www.thebrandywinecenter.com. She is also is the owner of Robin Sesan Art @ www.robinsesanart.com
Dr. Sesan will join my Wing Women’s Weekend (www.wingwomenweekend.com) and host a workshop for strengthening lesbian couple bonds. If you and your partner are struggling or just want to make things better this afternoon workshop is for you!
