This Tuesday, October 11, 2022, is National Coming Out Day. As a coming out coach I get a lot of questions about this day. If you don’t know the history of this day here is a great place to start.
It’s Ok to Come Out When You Are Ready, It Doesn’t Have to Be Today
I know this day can be stressful for those of us who do not feel ready or who do not feel safe to come out. I want to you know that I see you and many in the queer community understand. It is ok to not be ready or not to come out because of the pressure of the day. Not everyone comes out on this day and it doesn’t make you any less LGBTQIA+ if you decide this is not for you. If you are not safe, please, please, please stay safe. We need you alive! Remember that your coming out gets to be on your terms since it’s about you!
Coming Out is More Like Letting In Others to Know Who You Are on Your Terms
I tell my clients that I like to think of this day as National Letting In Day. When we use the words coming out, it gives the heteronormative majority the power in our lives that we are responsible to them to share our story. When in fact, our story is sacred and we do not need to share it with everyone. So if we reframe it as letting in we are taking back our power. We chose to share our story with those who deserve to hear it. One of my biggest regrets, when I came out, is I shared my story with people who did not deserve to hear it.
There is a question: “Do we even need to come out anymore.” There are many opinions out there and some of them are naive. People believe the question is settled and that everyone is LGBTQIA+ accepting. That is not the case. Queer youth are at a very high risk of committing suicide.
So many of us, even older queers like me, do not have an accepting or loving environment to come out to. Sometimes we come out for ourselves, but other times we come out to show others it is possible. People need examples and to hear our stories. Our shared common humanity is what unites us all. Whenever you choose to share who you are, know that there are so many of us out here who will celebrate with you, cheer for you, and love you!
Coming Out is About Way More Than Who You Have or Have Not Slept With
I also hear why would I need to tell people who I am sleeping with? This is often from very new people in the community or others who have not dealt with their shame or guilt around being queer. And can even come from straight people who oversimplify the reality of being gay. I say this because the heteronormative perspective is often that being LGB is only about who we “choose” to sleep with.
When I was living my straight life, I often said “I don’t care who anyone sleeps with.” I thought I was a supportive ally, but in fact, I totally missed the point. I am queer 24/7 and it is who I am physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. It is so much more than who I spend my life with. Reiterating this because it always needs to be said, again and again, the choice is not that we are LGBTQIA+, the choice is what we are going to do with it. The choice is how can we honor and love this important part of who we are, and live our authentic lives.
People Have Been Coming Out for a Long Time, and There is No Right or Wrong Way to Come Out
This day was founded in 1988, way before social media. It is popular now to do social media posts that day. Again coming out on social media is a personal choice. If it is important to you, then do it! I did a FB post about two years after I came out in my local community. It was a way to share my news (much like a birth or marriage announcement) to my wider circle of friends. It came from a place of joy and excitement. It also came from a place of showing older people like me (I was 52 when I came out) that it was possible to make all the changes we need to make to live an authentic life.
Coming Out is Vulnerable so Make Sure You Take Care of You
Like many people, the next day I had a vulnerability hangover. What is that? It is when we share something that is deeply personal with either family or a group of strangers. We have shared our truth and have shown up authentically often for the first time in our lives. Know this is so very normal and this feeling is just a feeling and it will pass. The uncomfortableness is not because you made a mistake, it is because you are going through change and transformation.
Remember this is just a day designated with very good intentions. But it is only a day and can be celebrated when and if you choose to do so!
There are lots of resources that you can find as you start your journey. I have a variety of resources on my site, along with some free Facebook groups, and lots of ways to connect you to your community. I also offer both individual and group coaching.
Regardless of where you are on your coming out journey, remember that you are not alone, no matter when you choose to come out or let others into your life.
Happy National Coming Out (or Letting In) Day!
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