Coming out later in life can feel like stepping into the unknown. It’s normal to have doubts, fears, and a whirlwind of emotions. We have built comfort zones of safety and whenever we try to step out of that place, we are often met with fear, indecision, and doubt. But at the heart of it all, it comes down to three simple questions.
I have come to a practice of mindfulness in my life and my own later in life journey has led me to this place. Mindfulness is so crucial to my own life, that it is the third foundation of my mutual support and coaching program: Lotus Community Coaching. (The other two are self kindness and share common humanity.)
Mindfulness and questioning go hand in hand, especially when navigating the complexities of identity and coming out later in life. Mindfulness invites us to slow down, tune into our thoughts and emotions without judgment, and create space for deeper self-awareness. When we approach questioning with mindfulness, we allow ourselves to sit with uncertainty rather than rushing to find immediate answers. Instead of pushing away doubts or fears, we acknowledge them with curiosity and compassion, recognizing that self-discovery is a process, not a destination.
Mindfulness also helps us notice the narratives we’ve internalized—those shaped by heteronormativity, societal expectations, or past conditioning—and gently challenge them. By staying present with our feelings, we can begin to discern what is truly authentic for us, rather than what we have been told to believe. This practice of mindful questioning empowers us to embrace our journey with greater clarity, self-kindness, and an open heart.
Here are three essential questions to help you navigate this journey:
1. Will I regret this at the end of my life if I don’t explore it?
This comes from my own personal experience of working as a hospice chaplain for seven years. For many souls, life reflection is part of the process of dying. In listening to thousands of reflections over the years, I learned that people do not regret the things they have done, they regret the experiences they haven’t had. If they did something and it turned out poorly, most folks will make meaning out of that experience. When we haven’t done something we desired or needed for our own life’s journey we will have regret and at the very end of life time has simply run out and there are no more chances to create a life with personal purpose and meaning.
When we look back on our lives, it’s often the things we didn’t do that weigh the heaviest. If you feel a pull toward exploring your identity, ask yourself: Will I regret not giving myself the chance to live authentically?
It’s easy to get caught up in what others will think—partners, family, children, friends. But at the end of your life, who will care the most about whether you lived truthfully? The answer is you.
2. Do I feel like there is a missing piece in my life or something is not quite right?
Many people who come out later in life describe a sense of something missing—a feeling of disconnect, loneliness, or even restlessness they can’t quite name. Maybe you’ve checked all the boxes of what society says should make you happy, yet deep down, you feel incomplete.
That was me to a T. I had done everything “right” – married a successful man, had four beautiful children, and was a leader in my community and minister in two churches in my town. I also was so restless, trying to figure out what I wasn’t satisfied with the life I created? It wasn’t until I finally acknowledged my not-so-missing-piece or my sexuality that the restlessness ceased. I actually titled my coming out memoir Authentic Peace as a play on the word “piece.” When I found my missing piece, I actually experienced peace.
If that resonates, give yourself permission to explore what that missing piece might be. Often, the answer is not about changing who you are but about becoming more of who you’ve always been.
3. Can I think outside the box of heteronormativity?
Heteronormativity is so deeply woven into our society that most people don’t even recognize its influence—it’s simply “the way things are.” From the moment we are born, we are conditioned to believe that being straight is the default, the norm, and the expectation. It shapes everything: the stories we see in movies, the toys we are given as children, the assumptions made about our future relationships, and even the language people use when speaking to us. Phrases like “When you get a boyfriend/husband” or “What boy do you have a crush on?” send a clear message that heterosexuality is the only possibility. This conditioning runs so deep that many LGBTQIA+ individuals don’t even recognize their true selves until much later in life—not because their identities suddenly changed, but because they were never given the space to imagine a different reality.
Heteronormativity doesn’t just shape personal identity; it impacts every aspect of life, from family expectations to workplace dynamics to legal and social structures. It pressures people into fitting a mold that may not align with who they truly are, leading to feelings of confusion, isolation, and even shame. It dictates what relationships are celebrated and which ones are questioned, who gets to feel safe being themselves, and who has to “come out” as something other than the assumed default. It’s not just about romantic relationships—it influences gender roles, expressions of love, and even the way we measure success and fulfillment in life. Breaking free from heteronormativity requires unlearning years of societal conditioning, questioning assumptions we’ve internalized, and allowing ourselves to redefine love, identity, and belonging on our own terms. Only when we recognize its impact can we begin to imagine—and create—a world where authenticity is truly celebrated.
Heteronormativity is the assumption that everyone is straight and that heterosexual relationships are the “default” or “normal” way to exist in the world. When we grow up in a world that assumes we are straight, it can take time to unlearn those messages. These are great sub-questions to explore:
- Have I genuinely chosen my life path, or have I simply followed what was expected of me?
- If I had never been conditioned to believe that being straight was the only way, would I have made different choices?
- What would it feel like to let go of those expectations and explore what truly feels right for me?
Your Journey, Your Truth
Coming out later in life is not about following a prescribed path—it’s about giving yourself permission to question, explore, and step into authenticity at your own pace. If these questions resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. There is a whole community of people who have walked this path before you, ready to support you as you take your next steps.
And most importantly, you deserve to live a life that feels like home.
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