Have you ever found yourself asking that question of the person you’re dating?

Situationships can be very confusing and hard on the heart. One minute, you’re enjoying time together, relaxed, and having fun. The next minute, it seems like she doesn’t have the time of day for you. It’s enough to give a woman whiplash!

So before we go any further into this topic, what is a situationship anyway?

A situationship is a romantic relationship that is undefined and unlabeled. It exists in a gray area between friendship and a committed relationship. There is emotional and physical intimacy but without the expectations of a traditional relationship. 

Though there may be a strong connection between both parties, there is a lack of clarity about the nature of the relationship and where it’s headed. There is a resistance to labels like ‘partner’ or ‘girlfriend’ by one or both people involved. Sometimes, there is even a lack of exclusivity, with one or both parties choosing to date or sleep with other people.

Are situationships necessarily a bad thing? 

Not really. If both people involved have an understanding that the relationship is going to remain ‘loose’ and without a serious commitment, situationships can offer people companionship and intimacy while maintaining flexibility. This could be very suitable for those who are highly independent, with busy lives, or who value their alone time.

Where situationships suck is when there is a lack of agreement, understanding, or mismatched desire for commitment between two people. Some situationships start out fine, and then as one person’s feelings grow, they begin to want more from the relationship. 

Situationships can cause anxiety, jealousy, and emotional distress when one person isn’t getting the connection they need from the relationship. Mismatched desire and expectations ultimately lead to disappointment and hurt. This can be challenging to navigate when you are in a women who love women (wlw) dynamic. 

What to do if you feel stuck in a relationship that’s not really a relationship? 

Are you stuck in a situationship and aren’t happy with how things are going between you? Tired of being a ‘friend with benefits?’ Want someone you can bring home to your family and feel like you’re in a committed relationship? Here’s how to navigate your way out of a situationship:

First things first, define what you want. 

Are you looking for something serious, or are you just enjoying the ride? Be honest with yourself, and don’t be afraid to communicate your feelings to the other person.

Red flags are real, folks. 

If they’re constantly canceling plans, ghosting you, or playing hot and cold, it might be time to reconsider. Remember, you deserve someone who values your time and energy.

Communication is key. 

I’m a big fan of direct communication! Say what you need. Don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation about your feelings and expectations. It might feel awkward, but it’s better than leaving things hanging.

Actions speak louder than words. 

Pay attention to their behavior, not just their promises. Are they making an effort to spend time with you? Are they showing interest in your life? If not, and you find yourself wanting more, it might be time to move on.

Know your worth. 

Don’t settle for a situationship that leaves you feeling unfulfilled or unsure. If a committed partnership is what you want, you deserve a partner who is committed to you and values your time and energy.

It’s important to be realistic about your expectations. If you’re ready for something more and you’re not getting your needs met in your relationship, walking away may be the best solution. Will it hurt? Yeah, maybe. But leaving will hurt a lot less than staying in a relationship that doesn’t meet your expectations.

Dating can feel like a lot, particularly if you are new to dating other women. There can be a lot to navigate in relationships, and how we show up in committed relationships or a situationship can influence our ability to find the level of happiness we are looking for. 

The thing is you do not have to figure this out by yourself, for me connecting with and getting support from other queer women helped me understand the world of dating and lavender love, which has made not only more fun, but more fulfilling too.   

Feeling lost in the world of dating? Need guidance and support? Lavender Dating offers individual and group coaching for women who date women. For more information, visit www.lavenderdating.com