We all expect to have a lot of changes in our lives when we identify as teenagers and young adults. For some reason we expect the rest of our lives to have much more stability, but in actuality the old saying “change is the only constant in life” is true.
There is an illusion of stability and routineness, which many of us settle into often after chaotic childhoods. We crave safety and security. During the hustle and bustle of child raising years, it feels fine to have taken up residence in this place. Some of us never leave and stay there for the rest of our lives. But for some of us, we find that the life we’ve settled into isn’t the one we want? Or the one we were born for? Or doesn’t represent who we truly are at all? Can we really change somewhere in the middle of our lives and be more of who we are? When that change involves coming out, can we weather the shift, knowing that it’s not a crisis or a phase, even if others say that’s “all” it is?
It’s normal to shift who and how you are
All of us grow and change throughout our lives. To expect otherwise is ridiculous. Some of us may arrive at an enduring sort of contentment and not experience big shifts in our values or identity, but most of us will have times in our lives that call for big changes and big courage to get us through.
Years ago people would speak about a “midlife crisis.” It was viewed with disdain or judgment. Think of the middle-aged man abandoning his family and running off with his new girlfriend in a convertible. What is midlife? It is self-defined and it can be as young as thirty or not until much later.
What many of us don’t understand is that we never stop developing as humans and questioning everything in midlife is developmentally appropriate for all of us. Some of us will come to the conclusion that we are happy with the decisions we have made in life. Others will realize they are not happy but will be afraid to make any change. Still, others will go forth bravely and make the changes they need for contentment and authenticity.
We can have a midlife awakening and reevaluate who we were told to be to then become who we are meant to be. There is nothing strange about shifting your identity as you learn more about who you are or who you want to become.
Why it’s not a midlife crisis?
Changing your life midlife isn’t a crisis, though it may feel or seem like one. It can be difficult for anyone to wake up to the knowledge that the life they have isn’t the one they want. It can be painful to acknowledge that we aren’t happy or that we’ve spent years deceiving ourselves and we are only now learning who we are. We may experience anxiety, panic, sadness, anger, and no small amount of grief. There’s cognitive dissonance, questioning, and uncertainty.
But all of that is because we are awakening to a deeper sense of self. Just as much as we feel things like fear and anger, we also feel a rising joy, freedom, peace, and the sense that we are right with who we are.
There is the weight of the evaluating and the intensity of the critical point of realization, and there is a lightness and clarity that comes in the journey. Especially coming out later in life, the relief and happiness that comes with finally understanding who we are and living authentically, is massive and expansive.
Many Things Can Prompt a Midlife Evaluation
On the outside, it may seem like a midlife evaluation comes out of nowhere, without cause, but that usually isn’t the case.
So many things can start us on our journeys, including:
- Marriage dissatisfaction
- Questioning our sexuality
- Unhappy in career
- An unexpected loss or windfall
- An unexpected health scare
- Children growing older (more free time)
- Learning something new
- Changes/more openness in society
- Lack of sense of purpose or sense of self
- The loss of a loved one
- Finding or seeing things from a new perspective
- Meeting new people
- Falling in love with an unexpected person who is of the same gender.
The path and process of facing any of these can seem scary, but it is full of opportunity, choice, and power. In our later in life community, we call this a catalyst. A catalyst is a person or an event.
You Finally Get to Have a Full Say in What you Want Life to Look Like
You can give yourself permission to make changes.
Ultimately, making changes midlife is an opportunity to make changes in your life for you to have a life that you enjoy living, one on your terms, one that is authentic to who you really want to be.
Some of the big changes you can now choose may include:
- Coming Out
- Pursuing more education
- Leaving a an unhealthy long-tem relationship or marriage
- Creating a Whole New Friend Group
- Changing Careers
- Getting Married Again
- Adopting a Child
- Changing Your Name
- Leaving a Religion
- Learning & Playing New Sports
- Moving to a New City & Far Way, experiencing a Totally New Place
- Claiming Your Gender Identity
- And so many more opportunities.
This is your chance to find what truly fits you and your life. So many of us, especially as women, spend our lives not getting or even asking for what we want. A midlife evaluation is the perfect opportunity to do that.
It’s important you know that there are many women in your same shoes. It is possible to find true happiness later in life. You didn’t “miss the boat” it’s not “too late: and remember that it is completely normal to change who we are. In reality it would be odd if we were the same person now as we were when we were eighteen. We are meant to learn, grow, and become, so this is part of that journey.
I work with many women who are making midlife changes, particularly coming out later in life. I have a variety of resources that address the unique challenges that come with making a midlife change. I also have a variety of Facebook support groups for women who are looking for support through this journey.
I’m honored every time someone invites me into their world to support them as they build an authentic life and continue to do the most human thing: change and evolve.
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