Coming out always involves opening up to new things, people, and community, but especially for those of us coming out later in life, it seems like there is so much to catch-up on. We’re misinformed or make assumptions or are told to be wary of certain people or reactions. There’s a learning curve, but finding people within the community to help you sift through what is true and what is an assumption based on old ideas will be really helpful. Here are 8 myths and facts to give you confidence in your journey and help you along the way.
Myth 1: People who have come out earlier in life have this “gay thing” all figured out
Fact: Yes, there are people who are truly comfortable with their queerness and have known exactly who they are for ages, but there are many people who are not. People can be out in the queer community, but struggle with their families or accept second class status. For example, a family may not allow two wives to sleep together, and the partners accept it. Or they pretend their partner is a “roommate”. They may not go to pride because “I am gay, but not that kind of gay.”
Everyone has a journey and things to work through. Even people who knew they were queer from a very young age can experience internalized homophobia or feel uncomfortable with the labels offered to them. We all understand ourselves better as we grow, moving through trauma and confusion, and peel back the layers to reveal our true selves.
Society has given us so many stories it expects us to follow and molds we’re “supposed to” fit. Allowing ourselves to take up space as whoever we are isn’t something we instantly know how to do, even if we’ve figured out who we are early on. Just because your timeline is different that someone else’s doesn’t mean they have it all figured out or know the “right way to be gay” or to participate in the community. Our experiences are all deeply individual and the way we start to live authentically in our queerness is up to us.
Myth 2: Other LGBTQ people can authenticate my queerness.
Fact: Sometimes we tell another queer person we are gay and they give us a big fat hug and celebrate with us. Other times we tell someone and they doubt our truth or pepper us with questions. That is more about them, then it is about us, so don’t take on their skepticism. We can’t depend on something outside ourselves to validate who we know ourselves to be. Only YOU can determine your sexuality no one else can. Your work is to build self-trust and then live according to YOUR truth and YOUR values. You know yourself best. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Myth 3: People who have been out a long time will not accept me.
Fact: This myth is perpetuated by the occasional long time person rejecting someone who is newly out. Again that is about them, not you. Most LGBTQIA+ people are not only accepting, but they understand the coming out process, because they have done it as well. Don’t let the fear of interacting with someone who has been out longer than you or who has a different experience than you stop you from participating in the community or being openly who you are. Your experience is valid and there is no shame in learning who you are later in life. All paths teach us worthy things and most queer people understand the difficulty of navigating difference in a world that demands normativity. You’ll find so much more support than you expect.
Myth 4: the coming out process is a one time static event.
Fact: As queer people in a heteronormative world we constantly come out. In every new situation there’s another opportunity. To family and friends first, maybe, but then again every time we get a new job or move or have new colleagues or join a social group for a new hobby. It can feel never-ending, especially if we are generally straight-passing. I don’t think anyone can explain it better than this video.
People make assumptions based on heteronormative ideals. Don’t feel obligated to come out in every situation (make sure you feel safe), but know that it is a common part of living authentically as a queer person, and you will often have the opportunity to share, educate, and connect by coming out. Also, the more you own your identity the easier it gets over time.
Myth 5: If I use the wrong terminology I am a bad person.
Fact: There are all kinds of labels and terminology in the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual world. Notice that the Q is for both Questioning and Queer – we as a community don’t even agree on that!
Terminology is in flux in our community. Why?
Our understanding around sexuality and gender identity is evolving so quickly, often language can’t keep up with it. We even change our own labels as more fitting terms emerge to describe our personal experiences of gender and sexuality. When we come out later in life it can seem overwhelming to learn and understand all the terms we aren’t familiar with, but even those of us who have been out for a long time make mistakes sometimes or need opportunities to be educated further on our community. We just need to be teachable. If you make a mistake with words or terminology, learn, apologize and move on.
Myth 6: LGBTQIA+ Community is a monolith and thinks as one.
Fact: Just like the straight community, the queer community is filled with a variety of opinions and voices. As we become more immersed in the community, we will notice the myriad perspectives. Sometimes we may not agree with them and that is ok. Whatever your values are, there is a place for you in the LGBTQIA+ community and you can find like-minded people as well as interact with those who have new ideas to offer. Engaging with a variety of perspectives is what keeps ourselves and our community evolving, growing, and connecting. It’s what helps us educate and make change.
Myth 7: All lesbian sex is great.
Fact: No matter a person’s sexuality, when they connect with an individual emotionally and spiritually the sex can be amazing, but if that doesn’t happen sex can be just so-so or ok.
This can be disappointing for a “newbie” lesbian after all the hype. It can also make us question if we are actually gay. Don’t stop at one person if the first time is “less than” what you expected.
Sexual experiences, whether great or not-so-great, aren’t what determine our sexuality. It’s about who we are drawn to romantically, emotionally, and yes, sexually. Sometimes anxiety about the new experience could get in the way or internalized homophobia creeps in. Don’t put so much weight on a first time experience that you let it get in the way of you living as your authentic self.
Give it another try and be patient with yourself. Pay attention to what you want, what your body wants, and how you feel about each experience. Sex isn’t always great no matter who you are, but it absolutely can be amazing given the right circumstances. Don’t pressure yourself or the people you’re with, with expectations. Enjoy the journey.
Myth 8: You have to “look gay” to be gay.
Fact: When people come out they often experiment with their look.
They seek to find an outside look that will match their new interior feelings. BUT you don’t have to do that if it isn’t you. I barely changed my look when I came out, except to stop wearing dresses professionally. You need to be yourself.
As in the video I linked above, every person’s experience is different depending on how you present but can be just as difficult. How it feels when your queerness isn’t visible is hard, just as it is hard for those whose queerness is the first thing people notice. It’s always important that people who aren’t the stereotype are represented because it helps break barriers and helps those people feel seen. As long as we keep fighting for those who are more obviously queer and don’t just lean into straight passing privilege.
If you want to change your appearance in any way because you haven’t been able to express yourself in a way that feels right with who you are, that’s okay too. The biggest thing is to honor what feels good to you. Your look is yours and that’s what matters. You’ll make the right connections no matter your style or gender presentation and being femme or straight-passing doesn’t make you any less gay.
When you first come out you most likely will encounter assumptions about the queer community, so many of which are myths. Don’t stress about not knowing everything. There is a community of people here for you. Reach out to me for one on one coaching or to join one of my support groups. Feel free to ask questions and contact me if you encounter other ideas that you think might be false about being gay or about the LGBTQIA+ community. You don’t have to do it alone and it’s a joy navigating all this together.
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