Although living authentically is a huge source of joy and fulfillment, coming out is rarely an easy part of that and comes with its share of anxieties and fears. This is often compounded when you’re coming out later in life because you have established complex and long-term relationships, more family ties, commitment to past life paths, beliefs, and/or religions, and have to work through a lifetime of perspectives and experiences that you may never see the same way again. The way you live your life will change in ways large and small, and although we know it will be a new way to live authentically, it can be hard to feel confident in the uncertainty of it. Here are 8 reasons why coming out later in life can be particularly nerve-racking.
1. Internalized Homophobia
Internalized homophobia can contribute to the fear that can go along with coming out. An article from Psychology Today defines internalized homophobia as “what happens when we take the biases, prejudices, and hatred towards gay folks reinforced by society (aka societal homophobia) and turn these biases inward back on ourselves.”
These prejudices that we’ve internalized can make it very difficult to move forward openly with our lives. We may feel shame, fear, “wrong,” or “bad” for who we are and the idea of living in a way that is congruent with our authentic selves may not seem fully possible. Know that you aren’t alone here, and it is possible to find ways to lean into discovering how you can live authentically you, and come out at your own speed, on your own timeline and process.
2. Living by Others Expectations
Many of us have spent the majority of our lives trying to fulfill the expectations of others. We may have been taught the “right” way to live or the “right” kind of relationship to have with the expectation that we live our lives that way or suffer some type of social ostracization, punishment, or condemnation. The expectations may not have even been that harsh, but we all know what it’s like to disappoint relatives and people we look up to by not following in their footsteps or seeking the kind of life they desired or planned for us.
Especially as women, roles have been clearly defined by society and the pressure even from peers to fill those roles can be huge. You may have grown up, like me, believing that authority figures always knew better than you. Living up to their expectations about being a particular way, and what you should do with your life, only adds extra pressure.
I have said it before, and I will say it again, in reality, ONLY you know what is best for yourself. Living by others expectations is how we betray ourselves and neglect our own intuition. When we put others’ expectations first for long enough, we forget how to access the deepest parts of ourselves and live authentically.
Coming out lets us reconnect to who we are and what we want,on our own terms. Now setting the expectations of others aside can be scary, especially when so many of those expectations center around relationships and lifestyles we have already built, but keep practicing and keep leaning into being you.
3. Putting Ourselves First as Women
We are taught to put others first and foremost in our society, particularly as women. Coming out gives us the opportunity to put ourselves first and honor our wants and needs. It lets us live the life we imagine and need. But, it’s difficult to do when we have spent years cultivating an unhealthy sort of selflessness, that never lets us fill our own well before filling the wells of others.
Coming out later in life is a chance to rewrite those patterns and amend the story that tells us self-sacrifice is the only way to serve or be a “good” person. You deserve to live the life you’re meant to live and find fulfillment in the relationships and identities that speak to your heart. Remember that it is not selfish to put your needs first, and that there are sometimes needs that can only be met by us standing and taking care of ourselves.
4. Leaving Behind Straight Privilege
You’ve spent your life in straight relationships and in social situations and it might be fairly comfortable. You have built relationships with neighbors and a community that is focused around that identity and the way you were living. It’s scary to leave that behind or change it. I had a lot of fears when I first started dating women that would show up not only in the process of coming out, but the first time I would hold hands with her in public or kiss her when we weren’t alone. I would wonder what people would think or if we were safe. This is a typical experience, for anyone later in life coming out, and don’t let it stop you.
Don’t let those anxieties or all the big changes in your life force you back into the closet. They are real concerns, but the world isn’t what it used to be and things are getting better all the time. This is a new journey and you get to be the real you. The future is rich and bright. Validation, acceptance, and joy are on this path, too.
5. Divorcing in the Midst of Coming Out
Coming out lets you make lots of wonderful changes in your life as you get to live authentically. But, it often requires us to let go of certain things and change the way we have relationships with those who have been close to us. As we come to the acceptance of ourselves, and our sexuality, while in a straight marriage, we have to decide how to move forward.
When divorce is the right decision for you, it can compound the stress you already feel about coming out. There is a lot of history to untangle and people to tell and children to consider. It’s like all the big decisions are happening at once and it can feel very heavy. But please know this: living authentically is priceless and precious and absolutely worth the weight of the journey, even if it doesn’t seem like it all the time. There are many who have walked this coming out path who have had to deal with divorce, telling their children, and learning to live authentically.
6. Telling Children We Are Gay
Of all the things parents fear most, causing our children pain is one of the worst. Telling children (no matter their age) that we are gay is not easy. We may fear their initial reaction, maybe wonder if they will understand or accept us. If children are young we worry about their confusion and the stress it will cause and how to help them understand that mom is still the same person, just more herself (and happier).
Adult children can seem just as tricky, because they have already formed opinions and there is the threat that they won’t stick around if they can’t understand or accept us. We worry about how their friends will react, if they’ll be safe at school, or if the changes in their life will cause them trauma. No doubt there is a lot to consider and a lot of natural fears, but helping kids see you are still you and that you still love them can work wonders. It might surprise you what living authentically can do, and it is also ok if it takes time for you to share with your children.
7. Longstanding Affiliation with Conservative Faith Traditions
Commitment to conservative theological beliefs is a huge barrier to coming out for so many people. Conservative theological traditions have judged homosexuality (and queerness in general) as sinful, wrong, and eternally damaging. They call unnatural what is the most natural to us and may refuse to understand who we are. That alone can keep you in the closet for a long while, there is also fear of losing friendships and that sense of community and shared ritual.
Fortunately, there are progressive religious institutions who not only welcome us, but openly advocate for our well-being. It’s hard to leave behind a religious practice that you’ve long loved and the grief in that is real. But, you can find a new religious community that will support you if you want it. And if you find your path lies outside of religion, that’s okay, too.
No matter what it is important that you can find a community, or ways to practice and share your spirituality that come from the context of affirming who you are.
8. Imposter Syndrome in the Queer Community
It can be intimidating to realize that in some ways you will need to start over after coming out. You may feel unsure where to find community and you realize there are so many things you’ve missed and so much unfamiliar terminology to get to know. Making new friends feels foreign and as you hear people recount their stories you start to wonder, “Am I really gay if I didn’t understand or admit it when I was younger?” You may think you have to have figured it all out as a teenager or a college student in order for your sexuality to be valid. You may even wonder if you’re making it all up. Rest assured, you’re not. Only you know who you are and only you can define your sexuality. Just because it’s later in life, it doesn’t make it less real or true.
You don’t have to have suffered through it as a teenager in order for it to count. Your journey and your experience is beautiful. You’re not an imposter, even if it feels like it right now.
Though coming out can be scary, coming out later in life can be even more so. We don’t yet live in a world where coming out is unnecessary and the older you are, the more complicated it can be working through all those layers of fear that build up over time. If you’re struggling with any of these anxieties, you are not alone. They are terribly common, and the more we lean in and live authentically the more we normalize the experiences of coming out later in life.
If you’re looking for support or camaraderie as you move through this process, you can schedule a discovery call with me or join one of my Facebook groups. My clients can tell you how often these things come up and how helpful it is to talk through it with people who understand. I promise to meet you where you are, listen, and ask questions to empower you as you navigate your path and your coming out journey.
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