I provide emotional support to women coming out later in life.  This all started after my own experience at 50 years old.   I am so blessed to hear hundreds of coming-out stories.  When members of the LGBTQIA+ community learn what I do, I become a magnet for these reminiscences, tales of bravery, and perseverance.  How lucky am I? I know so many of us struggle with our identities, especially newbies,  and what I find reassuring is the similarities in all of our stories. Here are a few threads of similarities I have found as I have worked with people coming out later in life:

Your First LGBTQ Relationship is Amazing

The first time when we are with the correct gender for our sexual orientation it is amaaazingggg.!!!!!!  Both men and women talk about the first kiss, touch, sex or whatever intimate moment in hushed tones usually reserved for spiritual experiences. It is as if a  light bulb goes off in our heads “now I understand why there is such a fuss about sex.”  

Often people report that it is this moment when we realize that we are, in fact, might be gay.  Many of us do not experience this in our opposite sex relationships, even when they are OK or “fine.”.   “Fine” is my tongue in cheek word where I pretend everything is ok, but it is really not. 

I look at my heteronormative sexual experiences and they were all just “fine”.  My lesbian experiences and relationships are so much more than any opposite-sex experience could ever be.    They feel right and true to me because it also includes an emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connection with a woman.  Because I am a lesbian.

However, after this first moment of this relationship, there can be still a back and forth questioning of our sexuality. 

Can I really be gay?? 

Questioning is an important step of LGBTQIA identity process. It is a way we make sense of the new feelings and world we have entered. I know that I went back and forth about my identity in my head for almost a full year after I began relationship with my now fiancé. 

This also has to do with my own internalized homophobia. I struggled to accept this new identity.  

My life, up to this point, was saturated with heteronormativity. I did everything I was told by the straight world to find happiness.  In fact I had all the markers of “success”.  I was a white married woman, mother of four, lovely home, and fulfilling career.  The pinnacle of privilege for a woman in this country.  As my friend said “I did straight mommy very very well.”  

Yet, I was extraordinarily restless, continually searching for the missing piece.  I also believe that is why I have done so many different things in my life searching for this piece.  The irony I was searching for something that I was always dimly aware of – that I was gay. 

Everyone Has Their Own Coming Out Timeframe

There are many things that can keep us in the closet: religion, fear, Adult Children of Alcoholic/Abuse behavior, care taking, allegiance to heteronormative norms, dismissal of our feelings,  etc.   There is also things that cause us to come out including a catalyst (a person who makes you realize our sexual orientation) or a catalytic event (i.e. death of a loved one, personal serious illness, divorce, a severe accident, etc).  These people or events cause us to question. 

We All Need an Affirming Community When We Come Out

Finding community is the most important thing we can do when we are first coming out.   There are many secret and private support Facebook pages out there for both women and men initially coming out.   I can point you in the right direction, you can add me as a friend on Facebook here.   You can also learn more about where to find support here in another blog post >

Finding in person support and a local community can also make a huge difference.

At a retreat, I facilitated all the women spoke of not fitting in with the straight mom’s and only when they were in community with other queer women did we feel relaxed and comfortable.  I describe the feeling of community in three different ways.  It is a feeling of finding the “missing piece-ness” that has always been elusive.  It often makes restlessness disappear.  Furthermore, a relationship with a girlfriend or partner it can mean finding a sense of “home” that we have never experienced.

Newbies often struggle with finding the right look for themselves, often asking “do I look gay with this haircut or dress style?. This can be a double-edged sword as we want to be seen by other members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Yet many of us fall back on old stereotypes about what it means to “appear gay” in this world. 

This best thing I ever read was from an out lesbian: “So you want to look like a gay person?  Look in the mirror, that is what a gay person looks like.”  But I also have heard someone say “how hard it must be not to be seen by your own people as you pass by.”  For some of us finding a new outward identity is a very important part of owning our sexual orientation.   For me, it was not a  part of my process.  I always had a more androgynous appearance with short hair and neutral dressing – I guess I fit the stereotype.  

Coming Out to Close Friends & Family is an Important Part of the Process

Telling family and friends that are around us is a significant part of our process.  Many of us have anxiety about telling people in our lives that we are gay.  This is due to the overarching heteronormative narrative that exists in the world. That everything that is heteronormative is correct or “true” and any deviation is not.   

Some of us have decent experiences when family and friends say, “About time you figured it out…”  or “You told me this years ago.” Or “Congratulations!!”  However, some of us have horrible experiences with disownment and denial.  That is painful and cruel.   It is also wrong of those who are heteronormative to place their beliefs and opinions on our shoulders.   Many of us learn that our orientation is not a choice, but coming out is. 

Age Has Nothing to Do with Sexuality or Coming Out

Sometimes some of us are told that we can’t be gay – if we are 15 or 55.  That it is a phase or we are confused or we are just curious.   Remember that in heteronormative society, straight kids know that want to be with the opposite sex when they are in high school.  We never question them, do we?  

If you take anything away from this blog, remember only we can determine our sexuality. A random gay person that you meet does not have the right to decide that.  If he/she tries to tell you that you are not gay, it is more about them than who you are as a person.  Yes, you can be gay or lesbian even if you were married to the opposite sex for years.

Dissociation and/or denial can be a powerful thing.  Yes, you can discover your sexuality later with no inkling before a catalyst or a catalytic life event.   That still doesn’t give anyone the right or ability to proclaim that we are straight or bi or gay or queer or whatever.  Only we can do that.  

Coming Out is the Start of a New Beginning, and For Many a New Life

Finally when we open this door to our sexuality it is nearly impossible to shut.  Many of us describe it as a force or a pull that we cannot seem to “manage” or “control”.   I believe it is the universe or whatever we call it, drawing us to our authentic selves and lives. 

Anne-Marie came out four years ago at fifty years old, after being married to a man for 27 years and four children.  Anne-Marie provides individual and group support for women coming out later in life. She is a graduate of Yale Divinity School , an ordained minister in the progressive United Church of Christ, hospital and hospice chaplain, and a compassionate bereavement counselor certified by the MissFoundation. She live in Nashville, TN with her partner photographer Tonda McKay.

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