The term “lavender marriage” may conjure images of vintage Hollywood or the restrictive social climates of the mid-20th century. Historically, it referred to a marriage of convenience between individuals, often where one or both partners identified as LGBTQIA+, seeking to hide their sexual orientation in a world hostile to their truth. These unions were not forged out of desire or romance but as a survival strategy—protecting careers, family ties, and personal safety in an unforgiving society.

Yet, the concept of lavender marriages has resurfaced in modern discourse, albeit with a twist. On social media, particularly among younger generations like Gen Z, the term has been reimagined to describe non-romantic partnerships formed for mutual benefit. While the stakes today differ from the life-and-death struggles of the past, this new take still reflects the evolving landscape of relationships and societal pressures.

Why Lavender Marriages Are Back in the Conversation

One reason for this resurgence is misunderstanding the term’s original context. Historically, lavender marriages were about self-preservation in the face of discrimination—not a lifestyle choice for convenience or stability. Today’s reimagined version reflects societal shifts: economic challenges, changing views on romance, and the recognition that companionship and support can exist outside traditional romantic frameworks.

In the era of rising living costs and eroding financial stability, people are finding creative ways to meet their needs. These modern lavender marriages—between close friends or platonic partners—offer financial relief, shared responsibilities, and emotional companionship without romantic entanglements. However, it’s crucial to distinguish these arrangements from their historical counterparts, rooted in repression and survival.

The Benefits of Lavender Marriages

Whether historically motivated or modernly redefined, lavender marriages carry undeniable benefits. Many of these overlap with privileges afforded to any married couple, including:

• Financial Security: Sharing expenses like rent, insurance, and utilities can significantly reduce financial strain. Tax breaks and legal incentives for married couples are an additional bonus.
• Emotional and Practical Support: A partner offers emotional steadiness, a helping hand with household tasks, and even childcare support in some cases.
• Companionship: Unlike the solitary challenges of single life, a lavender marriage offers a partnership—someone to navigate life’s ups and downs with shared purpose.
• Social Perception: In societies where marriage is a marker of stability and normalcy, being married—even in a non-traditional sense—can ease societal pressures or suspicions.

The Hidden Costs of a Lavender Marriage

Despite these advantages, lavender marriages can have significant downsides, particularly for individuals grappling with their authentic identity. Some potential pitfalls include:

• Loss of Identity: For LGBTQIA+ individuals, a straight-passing relationship can lead to feelings of invisibility or inauthenticity. This may result in isolation from the broader LGBTQIA+ community.
• Emotional Disconnect: Without romantic love or deep intimacy, a lavender marriage may feel transactional, leaving partners unfulfilled.
• Mental Health Struggles: Suppressing one’s true self, especially in a high-pressure social dynamic, can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.
• Unintended Consequences: Over time, differing goals, jealousy, or external romantic relationships may strain the partnership. Legal and financial complications, especially in a marriage formed out of convenience, can lead to unforeseen challenges.

I know these struggles firsthand. My first marriage—unintentionally a lavender marriage—lasted 27 years. Though rooted in companionship and shared love for our children, it lacked the emotional depth and romantic connection I craved but couldn’t articulate. For much of my life, I didn’t know what I was missing, until I embraced my identity as a lesbian at age 50. Today, with my wife, I experience a partnership grounded in passion, romance, and shared responsibilities—a completeness I didn’t realize was possible.

Can Lavender Marriages Work?

A lavender marriage, like any relationship, requires mutual understanding, clear communication, and shared goals. But relationships are dynamic. What works for a decade may not endure as partners evolve. People grow, and their needs change—and that’s okay. Rather than forcing lifelong adherence to one model of partnership, perhaps it’s time to rethink the purpose of marriage itself. What if we allowed partnerships to evolve organically, without the pressure to fit into rigid molds?

Red Flags and Risks

Lavender marriages, whether historical or modern, are not without risk. Here are some warning signs that the arrangement might fail:

• Undefined roles and expectations can lead to conflict or resentment.
• Emotional struggles, such as jealousy or feelings of neglect, may emerge when one partner enters a romantic relationship outside the marriage.
• A lack of self-awareness or unresolved personal growth can cause partners to feel trapped or stagnant.
• Children, if involved, can complicate dynamics, especially when navigating external pressures to conform to traditional family roles.

A Call for Authenticity and Growth

While lavender marriages have their place in history and modernity, it’s worth considering what we lose when we trade authenticity for convenience or security. They can delay the essential work of self-discovery, leading to missed opportunities for genuine connections and lasting fulfillment.

Looking back, I wish I’d had the tools to understand my identity sooner. My life today, in an authentic partnership, shows me what’s possible when we embrace who we truly are. For anyone considering a lavender marriage—or any unconventional relationship structure—it’s worth asking: Am I choosing this for safety, convenience, or fear of something greater? And what might I gain by stepping into my full truth?

Let’s redefine marriage not as a fixed institution but as a reflection of who we are—ever-changing, growing, and striving for connection and authenticity.

Anne-Marie Zanzal is a coming out and divorce support coach who works with women coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can find her on social media and on her website annemariezanzal.com. You can now get support around relationships with Lavender Dating and in the all-new Purposeful Empowerment: Strengthening Love Course for lesbian relationships.