I had a major life transition – actually several – over the past four years. These include a divorce from my spouse of twenty-seven years; coming out as a lesbian at fifty; leaving a long held job; moving from my hometown (twice); starting a new life in Nashville, Tennessee; and an engagement to my partner of the last three years. Holidays, because we can often remember them, are a good time to reflect on changes that we have made over the years and the often positive outcomes.
Holiday One
Cliff-hanging is how I think of this time four years ago. Like many of us who know we are going to make a change in our lives or that change is going to be thrust upon us (i.e. a dying loved one is celebrating a last “special” day), I was keenly aware that this was going to be the last time I celebrated this holiday in ways that I had known. I had already taken the step off the cliff of change, after the holidays I would be moving into my own place for the first time. Various family members knew several things about what was going on in my household. I tried to make some holiday changes, I did not want to host my own family as I had for the last twenty-seven years. I was feeling overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. My holiday spirit was non-existent. They would not have it and my sister and daughter (who both knew the full story) did the planning and preparation and the event was in my home that I shared with my husband. My family came per usual and as I write this I feel the rising resentment again. I tried to practice some self-care and my family wanting everything to “stay the same” even though I was acutely conscious all of this was going to end. I wonder if I could have set better boundaries that year? I also wonder if my sister and daughter could have seen and heard my exhaustion? Probably not, because we were all operating in old paradigms that were tearing apart at the seams.
Holiday Two
My ex and I were separated and I had left my marital home, because he would not. In the year since I had met the woman and began a romantic relationship; started divorce negotiations; my children 25, 23, 20 and 14 lived in various places in the US; our youngest continued to live between our two homes a town apart in Connecticut. I was solidly in the “in-between” which is the hardest part of transition. I had left the safety of what I knew and had plunged myself into the river of change and I was in the water treading with all my might.
This holiday was the most challenging of my life. My girlfriend and I were in a long distance relationship and she needed to stay in Tennessee for the holidays. All the traditions I had known were influx. My ex and I had a temporary custody agreement for the holiday. He kept the kids longer on Christmas Eve day then our agreement and I had to call to have them come over. I was perceived as the bad guy and he was following his usual script of “oh I didn’t know.” My kids were furiously trying to keep everything equal between their parents. Their Dad had stayed in our big beautiful home and I was living in a two bedroom apartment about 15 minutes away. I acutely felt the loss of my home, the place where I raised my children and celebrated every holiday I could tell that the kids were not happy with the change in routine. They came to my house and went with my family on Christmas Eve, but the strain was palpable. Two of my children flung barbs at me the 24 hours we spent with each other. We were all trying to navigate a new reality and we did not yet have a road map. My kids were struggling with their both the divorce and my coming out. They were also struggling that their Mom who was the planner and center of everything was no longer in this role in the same way.
My kids left Christmas morning, per the custody agreement, and I was alone for the first time in my life on a holiday. I took the on call as a chaplain for my hospice job to give myself something to do. I felt such anger, resentment and overwhelming sadness. I had spent my entire life hosting and caring for others at this holiday season and when I needed family the most it was not there. My own family typically did not spend Christmas Day together and when I asked my eldest sister if I could hang out with her for the day she said no as she had obligations with her husband’s family. I explained to her what was gong on and how I know I needed to have something to do on Christmas Day because I did not want to be alone. She actually said to me that my divorce was easier then the one her daughter had been through and I should be ok with all the change. It took my breath away at the cruelty of that statement from someone who was typically very kind. Never compare people’s pain as they go through transition and grief, it is a very insensitive thing to do. My other sister invited me over at the end of the day and it was good to have something to do, but everything was so different, new, and did not feel “real”. The fierceness in which I missed my children bought me to my knees. I was in the place that I was grieving everything that was gone and could not imagine anything for my future. How was I ever going to make peace with not having my children around all the time? I struggled with the fact that I consciously chose to leave my marriage and come out. Did I make the right choice? Coming out is a choice, being a lesbian is not. I wasn’t happy in my marriage for a long time, but I least I was in a place of safety and familiarity. I spent the entire holiday questioning everything and feeling the darkness of grief and loss.
The experience of darkness is necessary so that we can see and appreciate the ever changing light.
Holiday Three
I was divorced now and lived in Nashville, TN. To make the holiday easier for the kids I rented an AirB&B near my old home in Connecticut. My ex and I had the same custody arrangement for the holiday. My partner came up with me for the first couple of days, but left to spend the holiday with her Mom (which turned out to be a good decision as she died in 2019). The holiday went generally well that year because at this point I was a veteran of “new” Christmas. On Christmas Eve day I met two friends – one for breakfast and one for happy hour. It was a great day and I was very proud of myself for planning good self care and seeking support. My eldest son had an unfortunate outburst on the way to church that evening, it caused me to be disappointed at the sudden downturn, but I did not let it destroy my holiday. I refused to take on his anger as it was something he needed to deal with himself. This was new behavior for me as I was letting go of the guilt I felt about leaving my marriage and coming out later. In the morning my children went to their Dad’s and me second daughter came back to spend the day with me. It was nice to have alone time with my child who struggled hardest with all the change.
However I missed my partner and I realized that I no longer lived in Connecticut. It was hard to be in an AirB&B for the holidays as it was not my home. I knew going forward I would stay in in Nashville for the holiday and my adult children would be invited to join me there. We had a year to plan and hopefully we would figure it out.
Holiday Four
My kids came before the actually holiday to spend four days with my now fiancee and I in our home in Nashville. We had a great celebration with our friends and then had time to spend the holiday with my fiancee’s family in East Tennessee. All these things was a first for us as a couple. My children got to meet our friends and finally were able to put faces with names I had talked about. We spent two days with the kids as a family, watching movies, vegging out, and singing Karaoke. My fiancés and I spend four hours singing with my daughters and had a wonderful time. My kids left Christmas Eve morning to spend the rest of the holiday with their Dad. It still is hard for me to see them go and I did shed some tears. The reality is this is the experience of many divorced people – we share our kids and don’t have them as much as we like. It is so very normal to miss them. I checked in with my kids several times on Christmas Day hearing about presents and happenings – it was bittersweet, but not painful nor sad. I still miss them, but there is a quiet acceptance that with change comes new realities.
My kids came before the actually holiday to spend four days with my now fiancee and I in our home in Nashville
After navigating these past years I have learned that I am survivor. I would loath to do it again, but I know I will because that is part of our human experience. I can survive loss, grief, and transition. Fear, which kept me from leaving a difficult marriage and from coming out, is a smaller factor in my life. Boundaries setting is crucial for my happiness and self-care. I am so glad that I set the boundary of not going up to Connecticut for the holiday this year as my family began to transform and enlarge to include my fiancee as part of “us”. Things do fall apart and they come back together. Several years ago I could not see that things were going to be ok and get better. I also realize this learning this is a part of grief, loss, and transition. It made me a wiser human being and a better grief counselor. The experience of periods of darkness, a part of spiritual growth, is necessary so we can see and appreciate the ever changing light.
Anne-Marie provides individual support for women going through a life transition (i.e. death of a loved one, divorce, coming out later in life, etc). She also provides support groups for women coming out later in life. She is a graduate of Yale Divinity School, an ordained minister in the progressive United Church of Christ, hospital and hospice chaplain, and a compassionate bereavement provider certified by the MissFoundation. She live in Nashville, TN with her partner photographer Tonda McKay.
