Learning about life, do we ever stop? I have truly hoped that one day I would be finished. Complete, with no more lessons, enlightened and all loving, filled with compassion and acceptance.
That is not going to happen anytime soon.
Embracing the Lessons That Come with Business Growth
Last year I partnered with someone I did not know very well. She reached out to me at the right moment when I was in the midst of making a decision about my business. The services she offered were an exact right fit for me. She said all the right words and phrases. With just a minute bit of research on my part, I agreed to partner with her on a venture to help my LGBTQIA+ community.
This is not a blog post about what went wrong or to hurt anyone’s business. It is about the tools and skills I have developed along the way to navigate a business collaboration with a virtual stranger.
Learning & Creating Boundaries of Collaboration
We hit a bump in the road early in our relationship when I sent out an email press inquiry about our mutual effort. It was a brief email outlining our venture and asking if they would be interested in writing a story. She became very angry with me because I did not ask her permission first, although she was cc’d on the email.
She was right, I should have talked with her before I sent it out. As a solopreneur, unused to collaboration, this was new for me. Ironically she ended up getting solo visibility for her business. Ultimately it was a win for her. In reflection, I now realize she was new to self promotion and unused to visibility at all in the media. It scared her and made her uncomfortable. Like it does for most heart centered entrepreneurs.
Learning to Hold My Ground & Speak My Truth
However what happened next is what was troubling. In a follow up phone call she yelled at me accusing me of so many things and then did something that has not happened to me before in the last years of being a late-to-the-party queer. She gate-keeped. What does that mean? She used her senior status in the LGBTQIA+ community to belittle me.
I was speechless, but I also stood up for myself. Stating she did not know me and that had never happened to me ever in the LGBTQIA+ community. I was stunned, but I also did not want to let this joint venture go to the wayside. It had been a long held dream of mine. I also took a step back and wondered, who did I remind her of? Her reaction was so over the top, I know it was me and it also wasn’t me.
I Asked & Looked Deeply at What & How I Wanted to Move Forward
I asked myself should I continue with this venture? Should we move forward? We were already both financially invested. As small business owners this was significant for both of us. I decided to try and make it work, knowing there were guests depending on both of us.
We met up a month later and the same thing happened again! I reacted angrily and we had a very difficult conversation together. I was also so disappointed in myself. Why? Because I truly never want to react to anyone in anger. Especially someone who is a business acquaintance. I made a promise to myself that it would not happen again.
Not more than a few minutes later, she reacted angrily to a minor comment made by someone in our group. That person was asking for my leadership, which I politely declined. I saw the anger pass on her face and I just watched in amazement as she physically shifted from one foot to another and a scowl quickly passed through her face. I did not engage, just observed.
Trusting What I Was Seeing & Experiencing the Good & the Bad
Unfortunately, I had to continue to work with her for the next week because our joint venture had arrived. Ironically, it was a smashing success, as she showed a loving and caring side to our guests. She is also extremely knowledgeable in her area of expertise and she shone brightly in this space. I am so very grateful that it happened and so happy for her!
Yet, I was still receiving a barrage of texts behind the scenes. And I am proud to say something magical happened to me. Or maybe not magical, more like a lot of hard work for me emotionally and spiritually. I set boundaries and did not engage. I reminded her that I was a customer and I suggested we have all our conversations in person. I concentrated on the work I had to do with the women I serve.
And even after this craziness behind the scenes, I realized how beneficial this was to the clients. We all went home, happy and satisfied with an incredible experience for all, even me.
I briefly considered working with her in the future, because of the positiveness of the entire experience. Until a couple of days later, another barrage of texts came. At that moment, I decided I was done. I politely said good-bye and wished her well in future endeavors. I didn’t need this in my life and I cannot let anyone affect my peace or, more importantly, my joy.
This Wasn’t a Failed Collaboration it was a Massive Learning & Growth Experience
Such a learning experience for me and my education is clearly not complete. I am thankful for the meditation I practice every single day. It has changed me significantly, although I can be reactive at times, it has taught me how to be an observer. I am so grateful for all the boundary training. It helped me set them at critical times in the last couple of weeks.
As a recovering codependent, I also have a problem with trusting too quickly and letting people into my sphere too easily. I have done it again and again. And again. I hope I have finally learned my lesson. I realized it is not good for me, but it is also not good for the women I serve. Future collaborators will have the highest level of vetting I can give. I have made a promise to myself that I will not do business with anyone unless I know them and having been building a relationship with them for at least a year.
Here are some tips for you to work with collaborators.
- Get to know a collaborator before working with them. My time frame is one year. What is yours?
- Be clear with expectations and goals. In retrospect, she and I should have had more meetings to outline what each of us expected from the other. I had different expectations on what she was going to deliver, and what was included. We didn’t dive deep enough into the logistics even though I was reassured many times it would be taken care of or we would figure it out when we got there. I assumed she would handle all of these details because it was her area of expertise and i wanted to respect her role. Which leads to the next tip:
- Communicate Effectively. Communication is key to successful collaboration. Communicate what you need and expect. Communicate what does and doesnt work for you. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that there is open communication between team members. Unless it is an established collaboration and only about logistical details, do not text the difficult conversations, take the time to get on the phone or a zoom call.
- Be respectful of each other’s time and work. Be mindful of the other team members’ schedules and work commitments. Be respectful of their work and ideas.
- Be willing to compromise. There will be times when team members disagree. Be willing to compromise and find solutions that work for everyone is what collaborations are all about. When you can come together with what you need and want then it makes it so much easier to deliver and exceed your expectations along with deliver something amazing for your clients too.
- Be flexible. Things don’t always go according to plan. Be prepared to adapt and change course as needed. There were times when those logistics that she was going to take care of didn’t get sorted out, so me and Tonda took it on to make sure our clients were taken care of at the level we told them to expect.
- Have fun! Collaboration should be enjoyable. If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be difficult to be successful. This adventure was fun. The women who came on the trip were amazing and we had a blast!
- Celebrate successes. When the team achieves a goal, take the time to celebrate. This will help to keep morale high and motivate everyone to keep working hard. Both she and I put the needs of the group before our own and we were able to celebrate the success of all the participants.
As a solopreneur, it is important to take every opportunity and learn from them. Years ago, this experience would have made me question my ability to do business. Instead, it helped me realize what I needed to do for collaborations to be successful going forward. My motto is to experience, evaluate, learn and grow! Ultimately, I have to thank her for this very valuable lesson, and I’m glad that I got to walk away with lessons for the future.
Besides serving the later-in-life community, Anne-Marie Zanzal is a business coach for beginning coaches who want to find clarity, build a brand, increase visibility, and value their worth. You can find her work at annemariezanzal.com or book a call to hear more about her Purposeful Empowerment Coaching Program for Coaches. Or join her Purposeful Empowerment Newsletter List and receive her Social Optimation Media Guide for FREE!
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