Eight Myths We Need to Let Go of About The Lesbian Community
When you came out did you realize that you may have been ill-informed about the lesbian community? That there are a lot of myths created by a heteronormative society that are simply not true? So if you are new to the community, or considering your sexuality, it’s time for some community housekeeping. We’re diving into those myths that sometimes we buy into and subsequently try to apply ourselves and it simply does not fit.
We Hate Men
Just because we’re not interested in dating or marrying men doesn’t mean we have an inherent dislike for them. Our friendships with men can be just as meaningful and important. I am a mother to two wonderful sons and I have many male friends who are very dear to me.
When I lived my straight life I often heard my other heteronormative friends speaking about men the way that people think lesbians talk about them. I have not heard the same language about men from the lesbian community. This may be because we do not have to be in a relationship with them in the same way as our straight friends. They are just not a factor in the WLW world in that capacity. We simply do not build our lives around men or male expectations. I call this freedom.
We Just Haven’t Met the Right Man
Cue the eye rolls. Being a lesbian isn’t a phase or something that needs fixing. We’re not waiting for Mr. Right; we’re living our best lives with Ms. Right, non-binary Right, or whoever makes our hearts sing. Our orientation is valid and real, no “fixing” necessary.
We All Look The Same
We’ve all heard it: “You don’t look like a lesbian.” Recently I gave a male friend of mine a copy of my autobiography. He is a straight man who I work out with. His wife asked him what he was reading. He showed her and she looked at my picture on the back and said “Why would an attractive woman like her want to be a lesbian?” I burst out laughing when he told me this story. Like, WTF?
From lipstick lesbians to tomboys to studs, our community is as diverse as it gets. These outdated stereotypes have caused a lot of problems, because a lot of women awash in straight culture often say to themselves “I can’t be a lesbian, I don’t look like one.”
We Are Transphobic
Yes, there are lesbians that define themselves as Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists or TERF’s. They are a small percentage of the community and many folks in the Queer community do steer clear of them. The lesbian community is not a monolith and you will find people who are the most accepting and loving in the world, and others not-so-much. Don’t define any community by the actions of a few.
We Don’t Want Kids
Lesbians have kids in so many amazing ways—sperm donors, adoption, IVF, co-parenting, you name it. We’re redefining what family looks like, and our parenting game is strong and beautiful. My wife never wanted kids, but she loves being a step-parent to my four. This is the deal. We are individuals and just like other humans some of us want children and some of us don’t. However, this does not limit our capacity to love kids as a wise loving adult in their lives.
Our Relationships Are Just Like Straight Relationships
Yes, love is universal, but our relationships have their own unique rhythm. From the infamous U-Haul jokes (moving in quickly is a thing, but the straight world does this all the time), to navigating a world that’s still catching up, we have our own stories, challenges, and joys.
As someone who has seen it from both sides our love isn’t a straight relationship with different pronouns; it’s a whole unique experience. The old trope of “who’s the man and who is the woman?” in our relationships do not work and that thinking is so outdated.
Everyone Figures Their Sexuality Out Early
One myth that I believed is that I was the ONLY ONE who came out later in life. Yes, there are a lot of lesbians that figure this out early, as a teenager.
What I found is that there are so many lesbians who figured it out in their late twenties to over seventy. Many of us were married to men, went on to have children, then figured it out. A lot of my work in the Queer world is to normalize coming out later as a valid, and not a minority, part of the community.
Everyone Has Dealt With Their Internalized Homophobia
There is still so much internalized homophobia in the community. From folks saying that their family can reject them because “they have a right to their beliefs” to people hiding their relationships or forcing a partner back in the closet. Just because someone is out to a part of the community, does not mean they are out to everyone and some folks do hide who they are from parts of their world. Internalized homophobia takes a lifetime to combat and still can come up when we think we “have dealt with that.”
Debunking these myths is just the beginning of fostering a more inclusive and understanding environment for the queer lesbian community. By challenging these misconceptions, we create space for everyone in the lesbian community to live authentically and proudly.
It’s essential to remember that no single narrative can encapsulate the diversity and richness of our experiences. Whether you’ve been around for a long time in the community or just beginning to explore your identity, embracing our complexities and rejecting outdated myths can lead to a stronger, more unified community. Let’s continue to educate, support, and celebrate one another, breaking down barriers and building connections that honor the true diversity of the lesbian experience.
Anne-Marie Zanzal is a coming out and divorce support coach who works with women coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can find her on social media and on her website annemariezanzal.com. Sign up for her next workshop at comingoutsupport.net or join her in Provincetown for her Wing Women Weekend (wingsomenweekend.net)
