It’s not a question a lot of women married to men think they’ll have to answer. Not many would expect to be surprised by new feelings for other women or to have to acknowledge an awakening recognition of something that might’ve been there all along. 

Chances are, if you’re asking yourself that question, you’ve got a lot of other questions too and might be feeling overwhelmed by what that could mean for your future, your family, and your identity. 

> Your Life Doesn’t Have to Look How You Expected it Would 

Culturally speaking, heterosexual relationships aren’t just the norm, they’re almost all any of us have seen represented in the media (and often in our personal lives). Whether someone is a member of the LGBTQ community or not, the image of a “happy family” is the heteronormative default of a husband, wife, and kids. Anything other than that isn’t usually depicted positively, at least not until recently. 

Anyone who wants a family, or long-term relationship, or any loving relationship, is going to picture what they’ve seen or been taught as the way to have that. Especially with a religious background, the focus is on the nuclear family and the importance of straight marriage. And maybe you found a man that you honestly love, but things have changed and you’re wondering what these feelings for women mean. There is no shame in having pursued those goals in the way that you knew or wanted at the time and there’s no shame in wanting something different now or wanting to explore or understand yourself better.

When I was in my early 40’s, I read an article in an Oprah Winfrey Magazine that spoke of the fluidity of women’s sexuality. The article described several women, once with men, who were now happily partnered with a woman. I had an “aha” moment. I realized that although I had started down the straight path of marriage and children, I did not have to stay on this path forever. 

There is value and positivity in starting a different path, too. And if that means you get to live authentically, it’s even better. 

> Let’s Talk About Sexuality, It’s Not the Same as Sex

Sex is a behavior. Sexuality encompasses so much more. 

Better Health shares “Sexuality is about your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions, and behaviors towards other people. You can find other people physically, sexually or emotionally attractive, and all those things are a part of your sexuality.“ 

Sexuality is so much more than who we sleep with – it is how we have our emotional needs met. Your sexuality can evolve, deepen, expand, and become more clear to you as you age and as you better understand what you want and who you love. 

Discovering and understanding sexuality is a journey and is particularly important for women coming out later in life, after being married and having children, to seek out support to navigate this journey. 

>You’re not an imposter for coming out later in life

There is no timeline on understanding yourself. When you’re going through a period of intense self-questioning, you can be filled with as much certainty as doubt.  You may worry that the feelings you had for men or the ones you have now for women weren’t or aren’t “real.” You may wonder how you didn’t know or why you didn’t figure it out sooner. You may feel that you’ve lost your identity and aren’t sure how to be yourself now. 

Or maybe you feel more yourself than you ever have. You might worry that you won’t be accepted or understood in the lesbian or queer community when you’ve been married to a man or lived a life with straight privilege. None of those fears change who you are and what is real for you now. Only you can determine your sexuality, no one else, not your therapist, husband, parents, children, siblings, family, or friends.

Whether you feel your sexuality is fluid and has changed over time or you feel you’re simply uncovering what was always there, your sexuality is not something you choose or control. The choice you have is how to be and live authentic to who you are and want to be.

> You Can Embrace Your Sexuality and Be a Good Mom, and a Good Person 

There are endless negative stereotypes that can come with being part of the LGBTQ community, but heterosexual couples don’t have a monopoly on family or happiness. You can still be amom and live the kind of life you want with the values that you want. re fully. That is the best thing you can do for your children. Living our lives as authentically as we can is a gift and example we can set for our children.  

If you are looking for clarity in this process, please do not hesitate to schedule a call with me. I have support groups, a secret paid group, and I also offer one on one coaching so that this process does not have to feel so scary or lonely. My commitment to you is meeting you where you are on your journey with no agenda or judgment.  

> Accepting & Loving ALL of You, Particularly Your Sexuality, Can Bring You Fulfillment  

You can build a life that lets you embrace and love who you are, including your sexuality. You can shape the path as you go. Fulfillment and joy are found in being who you are and not hiding pieces of yourself in the shadows. There is a community full of people there to support you on your journey.

You have the right to be happy, simply because you exist. The more we can learn to accept and love ourselves the more it helps others around us also learn to love and accept themselves. I know it takes courage to discover and understand your sexuality, and I want to remind you there is not a set timeline. 

This time can be overwhelming, and accepting yourself and living authentically is worth it. Your life will be richer and you’ll be stronger and happier. There is bountiful joy in letting yourself experience the kind of love you were always meant to have. This is a journey that you will take on your own timeline, and I hope that if you need support we have the chance to work together so you can lean into living your best life.