All faith traditions have some version of this belief/value: We should love God, our neighbor, and ourselves. Many people who describe themselves as spiritual also believe some version of this as well. Remember the “golden rule?” Treat others as you would like others to treat you.
I have always thought that the hardest part is to love yourself. When we love ourselves we are able to love others from a place of compassion and empathy, not from a place of expectation that the love will be returned or that we can “fix” someone or that we will make someone’s life better.
This can be challenging. Loving ourselves may mean choosing our needs over others. It may mean practicing radical self-care and taking time for ourselves. It may mean leaving a marriage that is not emotional, physically, or spiritually healthy for us. It may mean disappointing others who have expectations for us.
This also can be a reordering of beliefs for those of us acculturated as women to think of any act of love of self as selfish. We are trained to put the needs of others before our own. It is seen as a virtue in women, especially moms. We are praised for it and for many of us it is part of our self-worth and self-esteem. This is especially true for women raised in a conservative faith tradition.
Can we take a step back from this for a moment? What if everything we were taught was meant to keep a patriarchal system in place? A system where the needs of men are considered to be first. That the needs of women are always second. Many religious traditions often preach that a woman should be the helpmate or submissive to their husbands.
This system truly hurts ALL of us. It hurts men just as much as women. Many men are taught to be hyper-masculine, not to feel, to sacrifice everything for their families, and to work their asses off. Women are exhausted as they still try to juggle a million things, including career, as they have the primary responsibility of children and home. What will it take for us to realize that when there is equality between partners everyone is happier? My ex-husband and I had a friendship between us, but we did not have equality.
I stayed in this place for way too long because of fear. Fear because I could not see the future (surprise, surprise!) and how it would all turn out. I was terrified of hurting the people I loved. I was afraid of leaving the safety and security of a marriage where my spouse was the majority earner. I was terrified to be not straight in a heteronormative world.
I had to let go of my fear. How did I do that? I let go of the fear one piece at a time, one step at a time. Unlearning a lifetime of conditioning is not easy. The greatest gift I gave myself is to begin to view the world from another perspective. Breaking free from the chains of patriarchal and religious beliefs gave life to my authentic self.
I realized that I had achieved success in those patriarchal and religious systems that rewarded me for staying in my place. I received respect and admiration for a marriage that appeared to be happy to outsiders but lacked both sexual and emotional intimacy. I lived in a small town where my children were seen as “good” kids, one that other parents aspired to have. I pursued a master’s degree and career, ordained ministry, and hospice chaplaincy, which didn’t upset the apple cart because I knew that my career would always be second to my husband’s business. I accepted that, even though he could have worked from anywhere. As long as I stayed in those parameters I was validated and it helped me to love my conditioned self. I thought I had it all figured out, but unconsciously I was seeking other people’s approval.
Yet there was a piece missing. Truly loving myself meant I needed to acknowledge my sexuality to be authentically who I was created. It was a part of me that I long denied as I put everyone’s needs before my own. When I began to change it did disappoint people I loved and changed the trajectory of their lives in small and/or big ways. I learned that everyone needs to take responsibility for the difficult feelings that arise when change happens. I took responsibility for mine. I learned that it is not my responsibility to care-take the feelings of others, even when my actions caused them to have difficult emotions. I learned that some of the people I love will never fully see me for who I am. I learned what it is like to be in a partnership with someone who sees me as an equal. I learned that living as a lesbian is an act of radical freedom in this heteronormative world It truly has become a gift of empowerment for me so that I may help other women, LGBTQ or straight, to find their power.
I had a conversation the other day with another late-in-life lesbian. We talked about how everything falls apart for a while and then slowly falls back into place. Both of us started on this journey not realizing that this would be a deeply holistic and spiritual experience. We both had to reevaluate everything we thought or believed intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We both had to unlearn many things so that we could move forward in our new lives. It was a restructuring, reordering, a discarding of some beliefs, and an acceptance of new ones. I now know that the grief, plus the joy, of change and transition to move toward my authenticity is worth it. It was the hardest and best thing I have ever done.
Learning to love my authentic self is the greatest gift I gave to myself, to my children, and to the world.
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