One of the many things my clients ask me about, especially if they are coupled, is about the infamous lesbian “U-Haul” phenomenon. If you’re not familiar, the term refers to the stereotype that lesbians tend to move in together quickly after starting a romantic relationship. So many of them are afraid of the stereotype, because so many of us never want to appear as moving too fast or impetuously. But why does this stereotype exist? Well, let’s unpack it together.
Moving in Together has Lots of Benefits
First off, much like heteronormative couples, there are lesbian couple’s that move quickly into a shared living situation. In my late teens, I moved in with a male boyfriend after knowing him for three weeks! It’s essential to recognize that the U-Haul stereotype isn’t universal among all lesbians, but it’s prevalent enough to warrant discussion. Side note – my now wife and I dated long-distance for eighteen months before we moved in together. Yes, we used a U-Haul.
One significant factor behind this phenomenon is societal pressure and heteronormative expectations. In many cultures, heterosexual relationships are the norm, and there’s a well-established timeline for milestones like dating, moving in together, getting married, and having children. However, for queer couples, there isn’t always a clear roadmap or the support a new straight couple may receive. As a result, lesbians might feel compelled to accelerate their relationship to fit into societal expectations or to validate the seriousness of their love.
Everyone Needs & Wants a Safe Supportive Environment
We often face unique challenges, including discrimination, lack of legal recognition for our relationships, and limited representation in mainstream media. In this context, moving in together can be a way to create a safe and supportive environment, providing a sanctuary from the outside world’s judgment and hostility.
Who wouldn’t want that? This is something straight couples do not typically have to face, unless they are mixed race or from different social classes. Remember the boyfriend I moved in with after three weeks? We were of different races. Our home was a cocoon of safety against the swirl of prejudice in 1980’s Connecticut.
Moving in Can Save Money & Make it Easier to Keep Growing Together
One thing people often overlook is finances. Women, including lesbians, simply do not make as much money as men and we have faced economic disadvantages because of it. As a result, sharing living expenses can alleviate financial burdens and make it easier to pursue shared goals and aspirations.
Lesbian Relationships Shouldn’t Be Judged on U-Hauling or Not— Everyone’s Situation is Unique
It’s essential to recognize that every relationship is unique, and there are countless reasons why any couple, regardless of sexual orientation, might choose to move in together quickly or take their time. The U-Haul stereotype shouldn’t be used to generalize or diminish the complexity of lesbian relationships. “U-Hauling lesbians” can be used as a slur toward WLW relationships. It has traditionally meant that we move too quickly or make rash decisions with whom we share our lives.
The reality is this phenomenon is multifaceted; influenced by societal expectations, finances, emotional dynamics, and so much more. As we begin to understand the factors at play, we can appreciate the diversity and richness of lesbian relationships and challenge stereotypes that limit our understanding. So, here’s to celebrating love in all its forms, whether it comes with a U-Haul or not.
Looking for support on your coming out journey? Anne-Marie Zanzal is hosting a workshop! You can find out all the details here: comingoutsupport.net. You can also connect with Anne-Marie on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn. Her podcast, Coming Out & Beyond, shares the stories of women coming out later in life, with over 60 episodes!
