Coming out and divorce can be two of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. They often involve significant life changes, uncertainty, and emotional upheaval. I get it! My messy middle of coming out later in life, navigating my first Queer relationship, and leaving my 27 years marriage was the most tumultuous time of my life.
What is the Messy Middle?
The messy middle is a period of transition when we are no longer able to maintain our old life but have not yet fully integrated into a new one. It is a time of big changes and uncertainty, which can be overwhelming and emotionally challenging. We struggle to leave our comfort zone because a basic human need is to be safe. Even if we are in a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship, it still can be our comfort zone: “It is dysfunctional, but it is my dysfunction so I am comfortable.” So when we consider leaving this zone and do not have clarity it can shake us to our core. That is why so many of us can feel stagnant or paralyzed to move forward. Yet, it is so necessary to move through the fear zone so that we may enter the learning and growth zones. Once we realize that it is just fear (which is just a feeling) and begin to navigate it and move forward we can apply this principle to any place in our life.
Seek Education and Information
One of the most important steps in navigating the messy middle is to seek information and education. This can include talking to a lawyer to understand the legal implications of divorce, connecting with support groups or online communities, and reading books or articles about coming out and divorce. Working with a coach who has navigated all of this can work wonders in helping us navigate this later in life process with less bumps in the world.
Women often hesitate to seek legal advice during a divorce due to feelings of guilt and shame, which can be deeply rooted in societal expectations and personal relationships. They may feel responsible for the marriage’s breakdown or fear being judged by family and friends, leading to an overwhelming sense of failure. These emotions can be compounded by concerns about financial independence and the well-being of their children, making the process of consulting a lawyer seem daunting. As a result, many women delay or avoid seeking the legal support they need, potentially compromising their rights and interests in the divorce proceedings. Know your rights even before you decide divorce, it really can make a difference.
Identify You Later in Life Support System
Having a strong support system is essential during the messy middle. This can include friends, family members, therapists, or support groups. These individuals can provide emotional support, practical advice, and a sense of community. If you don’t have a created one, I highly recommend seeking a support group run by a professional. This small investment can really make a difference in the emotional upheaval we experience.
Take Care of Yourself
Self-care is vital during the messy middle. This includes prioritizing physical and mental health, such as eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, and engaging in stress-reducing activities like meditation or yoga. I learned this through my own very challenging messy middle experience. I lost over twenty pounds and I only slept 2-3 hours a night. To say I was a “mess” is an understatement. I was missing appointments, unable to work, and crying constantly. It took me almost six months into my own journey to realize that I was grieving my old life, even though I did want this new one. My old trauma responses kicked in and I found myself isolating more and more. If you are in the messy middle, pick one or two self care experiences that are easy for you and you enjoy. Practice one a day. Be aware of your behaviors and continually check in to see if you are falling on old coping patterns.
Set Realistic Expectations
It is important to set realistic expectations for the messy middle. It is a process that takes time, and there will be setbacks along the way. Avoid expecting things to change overnight and focus on taking small, incremental steps forward. Coming out is not a one time singular event, it is a process of slowly letting people into who you are as a person. Undoing a lifetime of beliefs does not happen overnight. Be gentle on yourself and practice self kindness. Forgive yourself if you make a mistake and remember you are a baby gay investigating a new culture and something that you may be unfamiliar with.
Learn from Your Experiences
The messy middle offers a unique opportunity for tremendous growth and learning. It’s a period where uncertainties and difficulties test our resilience and adaptability, pushing us to confront our strengths and weaknesses. During this time, it’s crucial to take a step back and reflect on your experiences, carefully observing the patterns and outcomes of your actions and decisions. By identifying what strategies and behaviors work well for you and which ones don’t, you can gain valuable insights into your personal dynamics. This reflective process not only helps in making more informed decisions in the future but also fosters self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Embracing these lessons enables you to navigate life’s complexities with greater confidence and purpose, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and balanced life. By actively learning from the messy middle, you transform challenging periods into pivotal moments of personal development and empowerment.
Trust Your Intuition
Listen to your intuition and inner wisdom. Trust that you know what is best for you, even if it goes against societal norms or expectations. This experience made me trust and listen to my own voice that struggled to be heard for decades. I knew I wanted to be with women, but I had internalized homophobia, I was married, a mom, a minister, and had so much to lose if I finally acknowledged my queerness. What I didn’t realize is that I had so much to GAIN if I came out later in life. Trusting my intuition that I was indeed gay was the best thing I ever did and I now listen to my inner voice routinely.
Be Patient with Yourself
Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to heal and grow. Understand that the messy middle is a journey, not a destination. It’s a continuous process where each step, no matter how small, contributes to your overall development. Celebrate your progress and accomplishments along the way, recognizing that each milestone is a testament to your perseverance and hard work. This celebration can be a powerful motivator, reinforcing your determination to keep moving forward despite the challenges.
Seek Professional Help If Needed
If you are struggling to cope with the challenges of the messy middle, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide a safe space to process your emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and create a plan for moving forward. I have worked with our later in life community for over six years. Lotus Group Coaching is a place of refuge and support for so many women. Fellow coach Barb Rowlandson and I know that it has made this journey so much easier for countless women. Our model is group coaching with individual support. The group coaching is a mutual support group with plenty of opportunity to to share and be heard. The shared common humanity of this experience is life changing!
Remember, You Are Not Alone
The messy middle is a period of transition and uncertainty. It’s a time when old structures are crumbling and new ones are yet to take shape. It’s a time of both excitement and trepidation. It’s a time of letting go and embracing the unknown.
During this time, it’s easy to lose sight of your goals and your sense of self. You may feel like you’re wandering aimlessly, without a clear direction. You may question your choices and your abilities. You may feel lonely and isolated as if no one understands what you’re going through.
But remember, you are not alone. Many people have gone through the messy middle, and they have come out stronger on the other side. They have learned to embrace the uncertainty, to trust their intuition, and to surrender to the flow of life. They have discovered that the messy middle is a time of profound growth and transformation.
If you’re feeling lost and alone in the messy middle, know that you are not alone. There are others who have walked this path before you, and they have come out stronger on the other side. You can too. Trust yourself, embrace the unknown, and let the messy middle be a time of growth and transformation for you.
Are you struggling with the messy middle? Join us for our upcoming workshop Life Reimagined: Transforming Through The Messy Middle. It is July 8-10 at 7:00 PM CST on Zoom. You can sign up at comingoutsupport.net
