Divorce is rarely if ever, an easy experience, or conversation. Just mentioning it can bring up a lot of discomfort, pain, memories, and opinions from those around us or even in ourselves.
So it’s not surprising that when a divorce may be on the horizon or is our current reality, the emotions we experience can be innumerable and vivid, and the pain can be acute. Knowing we are not alone in this life change is important. There are so many of us who understand how unique the path is for each of us as we navigate so many feelings and so much new life.
Divorce is a Difficult Decision
Divorce is a decision that is not taken lightly or made overnight. Sometimes we’ve been in marriages for years or even decades before the time has come to make that change or move on. It is difficult physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. After a spouse dying, divorce is the second most difficult experience,
The only two people who truly know about our marriage are the people in it, there is always something that brings someone to the cusp of a decision like this, our feelings can be complicated, even conflicting. We u might wonder if we can make it work or if the new path we see or need to follow will be right or worth it.
It’s normal to weigh our feelings, and options, to look at it from lots of perspectives. It can seem like there is a lot to be done, so much to say, and even so much not to say.
My advice is that we need to give ourselves time to make the best decision for our lives. Once we enter the phase of seriously considering divorce it might take months or even a year before we take the next step. When we finally make the decision it is important to honor and remember the work that went into that decision.
Because even if it looks simple on the outside, it almost never is, and whatever it took to get us to that point and through it, is valid.
Overcoming Societal Expectations and Lack of Community Support
The lack of support and understanding around divorce. Grief is allowed around death, but society doesn’t typically allow for grief around divorce, at least not at the same depth of understanding.
When I left my marriage of twenty-seven years the grief was overwhelming at times. This is the irony, even though I am a grief counselor, it took me a full six months to recognize my own grief! You can read more about that here >
It can feel very lonely and overwhelming at times, especially since it can take so much time to heal and those who haven’t experienced it don’t understand or know how to talk about it. When I was going through my divorce, my sister said it would take me 5 years to get over the grief of a divorce, and she was spot on. It has taken 5 years. But I also know that parts of this grief will be with me forever, but I recognize it now when it shows up. It does not cause distress, I honor it for what it is and it often passes quickly.
The key here is that we can find support, there are lots of women who are facing this in all age groups, experiences, and for a variety of reasons. Some of us divorce to give our kids a better future, some divorce to keep our kids and ourselves safe, some divorce because ultimately the marriage isn’t bringing happiness and connection like it used to. No matter what our reason is, there are many women who are here to cheer us on and support us. We might have to look to find a group that works for us.
I formed divorce support groups for women coming out later in life in response to the sadness and grief I found around me. My next divorce support group starts Wednesday, November 3, 2021.
Ending Our Marriage Can Seem Like We Have Lost Ourselves
When we get divorced we lose our identity as a person who is part of a couple. To stand on our own again can be difficult and, sometimes lonely. We lose the status we had as married women.
In this patriarchal society, marriage to a man is about as high as we can achieve as a woman. This status loss gets talked about like it’s a failure. There is no such thing as a failed marriage. How can it be a failure if we are leaving something that is unfulfilling for us or harmful to our children?
Sometimes it’s the best thing we can do to leave that marriage. It’s difficult for our community to see what has gone on behind the scenes or to ask how they can support us, especially when divorce is still somewhat taboo, particularly if we come from a religious background.
At times, with that loss of status comes a loss of trust and being taken seriously as a person. It becomes crucial to find people who understand, who want to ask how we are and know who we are apart from that marriage, and to build our own community for this new stage of our life.
For people in the queer world, this can be particularly difficult because long-term relationships are even more of a status symbol. Gay marriage has only been legal for 6 years in the United States, so how long we are together matters a lot more. This makes it difficult both for those leaving queer relationships and for those coming out and leaving a marriage to someone of the opposite sex in order to pursue same-sex relationships.
The former lose the status they had and the example they set of a successful relationship, and to the latter, that type of status seems impossible to achieve. It can feel like we are so far behind when we come out later in life.
We may feel like we went through a very difficult divorce without community support only to step into a new community that feels unfamiliar and just as unsupportive. But that’s not the case and there are so many of us who understand what it is like to lose our identity and place in life and to start again with a new one. We find each other and we build the community we need. Finding community the third time I came out changed everything for me! Because I was with people who understood this later in life queer journey.
Difficult to Navigate so Many Varied Emotions
Many different emotions show up throughout the process of divorce: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, shame, relief, contentment, happiness, and joy. For moms especially, who have grown up as children of divorced parents they remember the pain they had as a child. This can limit us as we are divorcing, but we have to remember that we are NOT our parents. Our children will have a different experience because we understand.
Divorce may be frightening but makes other freedoms possible. We are free to be ourselves and don’t have to be with someone we want to be free of. Or free to find a person with whom a more fulfilling relationship is possible for us. That’s both exciting and scary.
Remember That These Adjustments Are to Empower Us To Move Forward to a Better and More Authentic Life
Our entire sphere and social groups change. Sadness and fear are normal. We may be afraid we are e never going to be able to find someone again, have financial fears, or a fear of change in general.
We may have to navigate our own family that loved our spouse, or losing our in-laws that we love. Friend groups may change and the couples we used to spend time with may not jive well with the new life we are creating apart from our partner.
We can feel angry because the divorce feels unfair, or the settlement is unfair, or child support is not fair. Particularly for women who have given up careers and worked in the home to raise children. What we get back financially after that sacrifice can feel so small when we have to find ways to get by or go back to work.
We may feel frustrated and angry and wonder why that happened to us, even if the decision was ours
Sometimes we might experience guilt and shame, brought up by the idea that staying married is the definition of “ultimate success” in life. Leaving our marriage can make us feel like we failed, but that makes it more about some ultimate goal defined by others than about being happy with ourselves.
Remember that if we feel guilty about breaking up the family, that the reality is your family is changing, not breaking up. We all evolve and change as we become more ourselves and we will find a way to make a family (whatever that looks like) while living authentically.
Take Our Time
It’s important to give ourselves some space and time to process things. From those first moments of considering divorce an option through to finalizing it and beyond, remember to always take the time you need. Nothing about it will be quick or easy. Take time deciding and take time healing.
The five years since my divorce have been filled with many experiences and many emotions, but no part of that journey could be hurried. The healing comes as it comes and we can’t force ourselves to feel something faster than we naturally do. Patience, courage, and community are required. This is a process, and finding grace and compassion is important, and we are not alone in this experience.
I know this because I left a twenty-seven-year marriage. As have many of the women I work with who are coming out later in life. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by any part of the process or want to talk out where you are in your journey, please schedule a discovery call to see how I can help.
Whether through individual coaching or support groups, or a free facebook group I’d be honored to help you find some community and support. There are those of us who won’t shy away from talking about the vast and varied experiences we have navigating divorce and we’ll help you feel less alone, and to find support that doesn’t have an agenda besides you living your best life.
Schedule a Free Discovery Call with Anne-Marie Here >
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