By Tonda Mckay
I have been out forever and five years ago I began dating a newly out woman. We were both in our early fifties. We all know there are a million ways to come out and all ages at which to take that first step. I tried one straight relationship in college after my very first relationship, which had been with a woman. I dated a man who loved me dearly and was okay with my being a lesbian as long as we could be together. This relationship fell far short of the passion and captivation of my other relationship with a woman, so I ended it and knew I had to live authentically as a lesbian.
Being a Long Time Lesbian I Had No Chance of Dating Someone Who Came Out Later in Life
I have spent a lifetime of living within a very lesbian circle of friends. As my life went along I seemed to always find other long-term lesbians for relationships. I don’t know if it was because in the South in the early ’80s and 90’s the queer community was insular and set apart from straight circles. I just never had the possibility to date a woman who had been married to a man.
I went through a horrible breakup about 6 years ago at the age of 52, the kind where it comes out of the blue. It left me trying to find the pieces of myself that had been shattered by the death of a relationship I thought was forever. I had no idea what was next in my life.
Supporting Others Through Their Coming Out Journey Was The Beginning of a New Chapter for Me
I was asked to join a Facebook group that was for women who were older and just coming out. My friend who started it had invited long-term lesbians to join to provide insight, education, and understanding about the LGBTQIA+ community. I said yes, maybe I could help and, who knows, maybe I would meet someone.
I went onto this new frontier and really found an almost alternate universe from what I had lived. I had been around long-time lesbians who did what they wanted when they wanted to, even if it was to rent a backhoe and dig their own waterline. Lesbian life is not perfect by any means, but in my experience, there’s an equality and inherent feminism that is not normally available in a heterosexual marriage. The amount of pain and doubting and genuine grief from letting go of a straight life was a distant memory for me but was something I could relate to within this group from my younger years.
Connecting with Woman Whose Coming Out Experience Was Very Different Than My Own Helped Me Find Anne-Marie
One day I looked up someone’s photo who had commented on something. There was this beautiful woman staring at me and behind her profile photo was a photo of 4 extraordinarily beautiful children. I reached out to her. She was a minister, had gone to Yale, and was gorgeous, so I did not even think she was single, I was so unaware of the process of coming out later in life. It did not even occur to me that all of this was new for her. It had been decades since I thought about being a lesbian could be a big deal to someone or that she was used to a heteronormative way of life. I walked into the relationship with Anne-Marie, who is now my wife, blissfully unaware of what I was in for while dating her.
Dating After Coming Out Later in Life
I was the first woman she dated. She told me we could be “just friends”, which I thought was odd, because again I had not asked her out or anything, but she knew I was into her from the way I was talking to her. I said of course because if I had a dollar for every time a woman said that to me and then we dated I would be mildly rich.
We talked and talked and talked for months. Gradually there was more and more flirting. I would apologize that I was flirting with her and she would say, “please continue”. After we made the decision to date it was a blinding white hot, sexy, all-consuming, completely immersive experience for both of us. I had taken over a year to grieve my last relationship, and I was comfortable with my sexual orientation. Anne-Marie was holding the dichotomy of this wonderous new relationship in one hand and dealing with the very real ending of her hetronormative way of life in her other.
Navigating Our Feelings and Experiences of Heartbreak & Coming Out in the Early Stages of Our Relationship
She was in the very first steps of a divorce when we met. As we continued to date it dawned on me why some of my friends said, “ Oh no, you don’t want to date someone just coming out”. It is a hard step down from being married to a man, especially someone well-to-do, and being a mom to being a divorcee who is now a lesbian. The steps are large on society’s hierarchical rungs for that one.
I was so happy all the time I was with her. She vacillated between happiness, fear, and sadness. We were dating long distance, and when I was in town I was just so consumed with the joy of our relationship that I had not considered that her sadness and grief would show up in the most inopportune times and sometimes ruin our time together. I had so much compassion for her, but as time went on I just wanted us to have our story and our life together. But 27 years of being married to a man, and four children who were not happy with her divorcing their father and “causing” them to have a non-traditional family all at once was a mountain to get over.
The Courage to Continue to Discover & Explore Our Rocky Relationship
For a while, I thought we were doomed. I kept dating because I thought it would end, but I just wanted more time with her. I would at least have the memories of our joy together. There were a couple of times that, had I not been so far away I would have said let’s just end this. But because I was only in town for a while I would stick it out and then tell myself when I got back home I would tell her. But she would be so loving and kind, I would feel as if I had imagined the things she said.
She wouldn’t say things directly to me but would let things slip, like when we were dating and I said something about us being together and she said she didn’t want that, she wanted to move and date other people. I was heartbroken, but then we talked on Facetime for 10 hours in one day that weekend. It was so frustrating for me.
I realized I loved her enough to give her space to see what she wanted for herself–even if it wasn’t me.
Eventually, I came to realize that she didn’t know what she wanted. When women come out later in life everyone around them says, “ Go, sleep with a lot of women”. These are usually straight people that have no idea how hard it is to find a partner as a late-in-life lesbian. Everyone around her was saying “ You can’t be with the first woman you slept with”. But I knew. I knew what we had.
I knew how heartbreaking it is to be so very close to another human being and lose them. I knew that many of the kind and loving people are already with someone at our age, and there are a lot of “players” out there who will “love bomb” and then move on. I kept thinking, well she is going to break up with me and she may get hurt because no one will love her more. I do not say this out of arrogance, but it was how madly in love I was with her and I knew at the end of the day that was my superpower. And if she had broken up with me, and found someone better for her I loved her enough to want that for her.
Learning to Embrace All of Our Experience Even the Grief & Change That Came with Her Coming Out Later in Life
What I wasn’t prepared for was that she would stay with me and so would her grief. I am sorry to say I eventually came to hate it. We would be walking along the street in Savannah on vacation and I would be extremely happy to be sharing that with her, and she would start crying about her old life, her friends that had turned their back on her. That happened many times in our relationship, and I got so angry at times because I just wanted a “normal” lesbian relationship where the person was just there, in the moment.
At every holiday there was an overlay of sadness because she could not just be in her old house with her children, and even though she did not want to be with her ex she wanted to be in the nuclear family as it had been.
We both made mistakes. I did not draw boundaries around what I could and could not talk about. I let my emotions and my anger show, first about how her ex-husband was treating her, and then I engaged her with anger about the many times her grief would appear out of nowhere. She needed the space to process all that she was grieving, and I needed to be in therapy about how to disengage from it. Just to have someone to talk about it with while it was unfolding. Beware, you can take a woman’s side who has been married to a man, but the reflex of defending their ex-husband will show up at first. It is an area best left alone until the two of you are well into the relationship. Like years into the relationship.
Creating Space & Boundaries for Both of Us to Support Each Other Through the Challenges
Because I wanted to be there for her I encouraged her to talk to me about all of the painful parts of her relationship. She made the mistake of confiding in me about all of it. Even her doubts and would say things like, “I should have never left” in one deep moment of grief during a holiday.
There is a tendency for women who have been in a heteronormative setting to view women as their friends who they confide everything. In a lesbian relationship, you are the best friend of your lover, but as a long-time lesbian, you know to draw the line at talking about everything. I see late in life lesbians talking to their girlfriends about the grief of not having that nuclear family, not being in a more socially acceptable life, not being around their children all the time. I finally learned to say, “I don’t want to hear about that” and she learned to discuss certain things with other people.
It’s hard because late at night curled up next to someone who you feel you can be extremely vulnerable, things just come out. You don’t realize that the words you say can not only hurt the person but possibly damage the relationship. Sometimes you truly can not be everything for someone, and you have to protect yourself to help them. It would take time for my wife to become accustomed to our life, being a lesbian, living in a new city, and not having the privilege of a straight woman.
Healing from Grief of Change & Coming Out Later in Life Opened the Door for Us to Be Confident in Our Relationship
As her grief withdrew more and more I noticed her capacity to fully be present and show me the consistency I wanted to be increased. My anger started to recede and I noticed things that would have triggered me just went right by because I was more confident and self-assured in the relationship and in the validation of her love for me.
Anne-Marie Took Her Experience & Now Helps Others Going Through the Same Challenges of Coming Out Later in Life
Anne-Marie works with the later in life community and I have had the opportunity to observe many women during their coming out journeys. We both facilitate retreats and conferences. I would like to share some observations, remembering that all of these are generalizations. I find this community really struggles with the grief of everything changing.
Relationships Between Someone Who Out a Long Time & Someone Coming Out Later in Life Has Lots of Emotions, But It’s Possible to Find a Way
Some get stuck in it, while others move on. Thank God my wife did! When people are grieving they can be all over the place emotionally. Women at the beginning of this journey can be emotionally volatile but struggle to recognize that it is grief. I have seen many promising relationships end because neither the newbie nor the more experienced person cannot navigate all the difficult emotions.
The newbie ends a relationship prematurely because they believe it will solve their problems, and sometimes they can not make space for their new partner within the now larger nuclear family. My wife even said it was a few months into our relationship before she realized “Oh, yeah, she is part of this story too.” I remember when she had the epiphany and told me about it and it was one of the first steps toward our normalization as a couple.
If You Want a Long Term Relationship, Most Women Coming Out Later in Life Do Too
Many long-term lesbians end the relationship because it is hard to be on a roller coaster and they can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Do not let your friends tell you that a woman coming out later in life will dump you and want to date a lot of other women. Most women who have been married to men for a long time want to find the right same-sex companion for a committed relationship.
My wife and I made it because we both had experienced past long relationships and knew that it takes compromise and communication, and then the next day, more compromise and communication, and the next day and the next. I can not explain in words how I would not have foregone one moment of the journey with my wife if it meant missing one minute we had together. We have come through it and honestly, I would tell anyone who wants to date someone who is coming out and getting divorced to make sure you are very much in love with them.
I am so honored to be part of such an amazing community—both the lesbian community and the later in life lesbian community. I am so grateful to watch and witness the journey of so many others.
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