I once met a woman who said she was fine with the LGBTQ community, but was sick of seeing Pride flags up around her neighborhood. She said that she didn’t want to know the details about people’s sex lives and who they were sleeping with. She entirely missed the point. Besides being a show of solidarity and queer joy, the pride flag is a symbol of acceptance of those of us outside the mainstream narrative, and someone’s sex life is only a tiny part of that identity.
Coming Out is About Accepting & Finding Ourselves
Coming out is not about romance or finding someone to date (though it’s definitely a perk). It’s about finding out who we are and what we want in life, it is about finding and expressing who we are to authentically live and belong This is where we get to really begin to accept all the wonders of who we are and live accordingly.
Sex Isn’t the Only Thing We Need to Be Happy
People need connection, support, companionship, and purpose. Not just sex. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, after our physiological and safety needs are met and before we get to the highest two levels of Esteem and Self-Actualization, we need Love and Belonging. This level “involves feeling loved and accepted. This need includes both romantic relationships as well as ties to friends and family members. It also includes our need to feel that we belong to a social group. Importantly, this need encompasses both feeling loved and feeling love towards others.”
All kinds of relationships matter. It’s about the network of support and affirming community we build. And beyond that, it’s about self-acceptance. Fulfillment lies on the other side of that. The degree to which we allow ourselves to experience happiness is largely dependent on the degree to which we love and accept ourselves. Our community of support helps build that. “If just one person believes in you…maybe even you can believe in you, too.” You’ll find you’re really not alone in the queer community and the connection you’ve sought for so long is waiting for you right here.
You Deserve to Live a Life That Fulfills Your Needs and Wants
Each of us deserves to live a life that fulfills our deepest wants and needs. You’re not worth any less than others, even if your own insecurities, past trauma, or internalized homophobia make you feel that way. We all have unique needs and dreams and coming out is part of how we honor and pursue those things. Some of your most precious desires for yourself can’t be fulfilled without coming out and being the fullness of who you are. You owe it to the wonder that is you to be exactly that.
It’s Liberating to Not Feel the Burden of “Hiding” After You Come Out
The closet isn’t a fun place to stay in. You’re not only sitting in a tiny dark room without the necessary social connection, but you’re constantly under the pressure to pretend to be something you’re not. Hiding is a heavy burden, and can be a very lonely place.
Coming out gives us a new sense of freedom. It’s about changing the lens in which we view and be in the world. It feels like you’ve been wearing glasses with the wrong prescription and suddenly you can see. We find our people and truly see them for who they are as they see us for who we are. Our lives are our own. Even if it feels scary, we can let go of the expectations of others for how we should behave or who we should be. We can make our own choices, and pursue what’s important to us, and discover what makes us happy. It’s an absolutely liberating and very possible process. We get to set ourselves free.
Living Authentically Leads to Greater Purpose & Happiness
If you’ve spent any time working with me, you know how much I admire Brené Brown. In The Gifts of Imperfection she writes extensively about authenticity and how beautifully crucial it is.
She writes:
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Choosing authenticity means
- cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
- exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
- nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe we are strong enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Being authentic is a gift. We get to know ourselves by striving for authenticity in our words and actions. That kind of realness is powerful and being authentically you gives others permission to do the same. Authenticity isn’t just about letting all the vulnerable and scary stuff show. It’s about letting the joy in too. And joy is what lies along this road. We are worthy of taking up space in this world in a way that resonates with us and lets us be as fully, uniquely, and beautifully human as we are.
Coming out is about SO much more than who you sleep with. It’s not about the actions, beliefs, or labels of the past, but it is about living authentically now. You don’t have to go through this coming out process alone.
I provide one on one coming out coaching and I have a free and a paid Facebook group to empower women who are coming out late in life to have community, and support from others walking this same path. So many of us have been where you are and though it seems daunting and even scary, coming out is about understanding and embracing all of who you are. It’s joyful and fun and it would be an honor to walk with you along the way.
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