I will never forget my first forays into a lesbian relationship. I felt like a light switch was turned on and I now understood something that I heard others talk about, but I never really comprehended. I thought passion and romance were just a myth. Even in my best relationships with men, I always felt like something was missing. I called it my missing piece. In actuality it was not missing, it was right in front of me, but I never had the courage to claim it. I fall into the camp of later in-life lesbians who-always-sort-of knew. I had started on the straight path as a teenager and thought I had to stay there. Until I realized that if I did not get off this path, chosen when I was dissociated from the person I am, it would be the biggest regret of my life. After years of working in hospice, I knew that people did not regret any of the decisions they have made, folks make meaning from their mistakes. People regret the things they didn’t do; leave that job, go back to school; try to win that sports scholarship; or kiss the girl. I want to be super clear that I do not believe that claiming an LGBTQIA+ identity is a choice. We were born this way, the choice is what we do with our Queerness.
Adolescence Part Dux
After a year of self-discovery when I slowly came out as gay to my husband, family, and community, I met and slept with a woman. Heady, hot, and overwhelming are just a few words that come to mind for this experience. I felt like a horny teenager. In our community, we often call this the second adolescence. It’s not uncommon for women to feel this when they begin to explore their sexuality. I always argue that it is actually our first adolescence because we really never had one. As a teenager, I was always mystified by my friends who would swoon over the boys. Or when they had posters up on the wall of the latest heartthrob. I never understood the point- it seemed an exercise in futility. I thought: “You are never going to meet this person. Why waste your time?” Then I had my first sexual encounter with a woman, the blinders fell from my eyes and I understood. They swooned and had posters because they were ATTRACTED to the boys sexually. My attraction to women was real and it made me come alive.
In addition to the sexual awakening, it is an exciting journey, but there are some things to keep in mind as you navigate this new chapter of your life:
I was divorcing when I met my girlfriend. My soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBXH) and I were still friends. He was my best friend for years. Naturally, I told him all the details of this new relationship. After all, he was my person! One of the many mistakes I made in this process. We both come from the heteronormative world and like many husbands, he said things to me like: “I am ok if you have a relationship with a woman, but if it was with a man it would be a different story.” He was dismissive of the effect my relationship with a woman would have on us. I was not, so that is why I began the divorce process before this happened. On some gut level, I knew that it would change everything. It did.
I shared with my STBXH about all these new feelings. He began to realize that this pending divorce might actually happen and he saw me fall in love with another person. I am sure it was hard because I was stepping away from everything I knew to go toward a future with little clarity at this point. I should not have told him as much as I did. In hindsight, I should have left this marriage long ago and should have come out post-divorce. I believe it would have been easier on everyone, including me. A couple of questions to think about: Will telling my husband about my sexuality make it hard for me as we divorce? Would I be leaving this marriage anyway? If you come out and then get divorced, the end of the marriage will always be placed squarely on your Queer shoulders, regardless of what existed before. Not everyone deserves our entire story.
Integrating our New Girlfriend Into Our Lives
There are also several things to think about as we integrate our new girlfriends into our lives. As women living in a straight world we are used to other women being our friends. Often a new girlfriend can feel this way, like a bestie. She is not. She is your lover/girlfriend, so be careful about sharing too much about your husband or kids. If she is a long time out lesbian, she may find all of this information difficult to handle, it can be difficult for both of you to navigate these conversations.
My now wife Tonda was that person. She would think that I was grieving my husband, that I was missing the love that existed between us. I wasn’t. I was grieving the loss of everything that had been my world for years. It was all tangled up together and she since has confided in me it was overwhelming at first for her. Until she realized that she could not hear every last detail of what was going on for me. She had to set some boundaries and I had to realize that she was my lover/girlfriend and not my bestie in the sense that I had once known them. A good rule of thumb to ask yourself as a newbie in the WLW (women loving women) dating world: Would I tell this information to her if she was a man that I am newly dating? If the answer is no, then don’t share it with your girlfriend.
Introducing Your New Partner to Family and Friends: A Considerate Approach
Your new romantic partner may be the center of your world, but it’s important to keep in mind the feelings of others, especially children when introducing her to family and friends. Being respectful and sensitive to everyone’s emotions, including your girlfriend’s, is essential. Children may take longer to adjust, particularly if there has been a recent divorce. It’s not unusual for many people to wait at least six months or more before introducing a romantic partner to their children.
In situations where parents or family members are resistant to your new relationship, avoid making it a competition of wills. It can also be challenging to be the girlfriend in this scenario, as family members may hold her responsible for “making you gay.” Give everything some time, and make sure your girlfriend is ready and willing to meet your family and friends. If the family continues to be resistant do you want to bring anyone into such a situation, including yourself?
Identifying “Love Bombing” in a New Relationship
When beginning a new relationship, it’s important to be aware of the phenomenon known as “love bombing.” While it may seem exciting and romantic at first, it’s essential to remain cautious of any behavior that appears excessively intense and unsustainable in the long run.
Love bombing is a tactic often used by individuals who want to establish control over their partner. They may shower their partner with gifts, compliments, and affection to gain their trust and manipulate them into thinking that they are the perfect partner. However, this behavior is not sustainable in the long term, and once the partner is hooked, the love bomber may begin to reveal their true intentions.
It’s important to take things slow and not get swept up in the excitement of a new relationship. Take the time to get to know your partner and their intentions before committing to anything serious. Trust your instincts, and if something feels off, don’t ignore it. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and communication, not just grand gestures and flattery.
Additionally, it’s important to maintain a level of independence in the early stages of a relationship. Don’t lose sight of your own interests, hobbies, and friendships just because you have a new partner. It’s essential to maintain a healthy balance between your personal life and your relationship.
Communication is also key in any relationship, especially in the early stages. Be open and honest with your partner about your feelings, expectations, and boundaries. This will help ensure that both parties are on the same page and can make informed decisions about the relationship.
Finally, remember that a healthy relationship takes work and effort from both partners. It’s not just about the initial rush of excitement and butterflies, but also about building a strong foundation of trust, respect, and understanding. By being aware of love bombing, taking things slow, maintaining independence, and communicating openly, you can set yourself up for a successful and fulfilling relationship
Balancing New Relationships with Life’s Challenges
It’s not uncommon to feel euphoric when you start a new relationship. However, when other aspects of your life become more challenging, it’s easy to let go of the new thing. Don’t be too hasty to abandon what’s new. Sometimes it’s crucial to hold onto what matters most, whether it’s your girlfriend or a new aspect of your identity.
Starting a new relationship can be exciting and bring a sense of euphoria into your life. It’s a time when you feel like everything is falling into place, and you’re on cloud nine. However, as time goes on, other aspects of life may become more challenging, and it can be tempting to let go of the new thing in your life.
But before you abandon what’s new, take a step back and think about what matters most to you. Is it your new girlfriend, or is it a new aspect of your identity that’s helping you grow as a person? Sometimes, it’s essential to hold onto what matters most, even when life gets tough.
Remember, change can be scary, but it’s often necessary for personal growth and happiness. So, embrace the new things in your life, and don’t be too quick to let them go. You never know what opportunities may arise when you hold onto what matters most.
Anne-Marie Zanzal is a graduate of Yale Divinity School, an ordained minister, certified grief counselor, author, speaker, and coming out coach. Anne-Marie came out in 2016, at age 52, and after being married to a man for 26 years.
Anne-Marie started Lotus Group Coaching to help women/non-binary people through the grief and discomfort that goes with coming out later in life, leading them to a place where they can joyfully step into their Queer identity. Today, Anne-Marie is a respected, go-to expert on the subject of coming out later in life, and is frequently consulted in radio, magazines, podcasts, and e-publications. She lives in Tennessee with her wife, architectural photographer Tonda McKay.
Anne-Marie and her fellow coming out coach Barb Rowlandson will be holding a FREE five-day workshop, January 8-12, 2024 at 1:00 PM CST. All sessions will be recorded. You can find out all the information at comingoutsupport.net. You must be registered to attend.
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