Are you questioning your sexual orientation? Sometimes, the signs that we’re not straight can be subtle or unexpected. In this blog post, we’ll delve deeper into some common indicators that might suggest you’re on a different path.
As women, we might feel like we have to fit in a certain box to belong. It’s important as you look at these signs, that even if you find you have a few or all of them are true for you, you get to determine who you are based on how you feel and think about yourself.
Some of these reflections are based on stereotypes, but in all stereotypes, there can be a kernel of truth. What is most important to remember is the only person who can truly define your sexuality is YOU. Not family, friends, therapists, podcasts, or even blog pieces can name this for you.
Signs You Might Be Queer
Intense Friendships with Women
Have you always had deep, emotionally fulfilling connections with women? This could be a sign that you’re drawn to female companionship on a deeper level. Although this is true for some women it was not for me. I avoided intense friendships in a subconscious fear that I would somehow be found out to be not straight.
Daydreaming About Women
Do you find yourself fantasizing about romantic or sexual relationships with women? This could be a clue that your heart desires a different kind of connection. Sometimes we might be thinking about being with women in the context of watching movies or TV shows, or even as we listen to music.
Discomfort Around Heterosexual Norms
I could write a book about this one! The hardest for me was the straight mommies of my children’s friends. “Please, I just don’t want to talk about my husband or children! I have other interests.” If you feel uncomfortable or out of place in traditionally heterosexual settings, it might be a sign that your sexuality doesn’t align with societal expectations.
Feeling a Strong Connection to Other LGBTQIA+ Individuals
Do you feel a sense of belonging and understanding when around other queer people? This could be an indication that you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community. In my straight life, I would ALWAYS seek out Queer folks at social gatherings and spend the social event with them.
Experiencing Emotional or Physical Attraction to Women
If you’ve felt a strong emotional or physical attraction to women, it’s worth exploring what that might mean for your sexuality. Unlike many folks, I was not attracted to my straight friends. Identifiable lesbian women were a whole other story.
Questioning Societal Expectations
Have you ever felt pressure to conform to traditional gender roles or sexual orientations? This could be a sign that you’re questioning your own identity. I had such restlessness conforming to these roles, once I accepted my queerness that feeling disappeared.
Relating to Queer Characters or Stories
Do you find yourself drawn to LGBTQIA+ characters in media or literature? This could be a reflection of your own identity.
Feeling a Sense of Isolation or Loneliness in Heterosexual Relationships
If you’ve struggled to find fulfillment or connection in heterosexual relationships, it might be a sign that your heart desires something different. This can be very difficult to ascertain for those of us who are moms. Our roles as mothers and wives are often intertwined. So we may not feel this as moms, but we do feel it as spouses.
Noticing Patterns in Your Fantasies
Do your sexual fantasies primarily involve women? This could be a clue that your desires align with a queer identity. This was a frequent fantasy of mine when I was intimate with my ex-husband.
Feeling a Sense of Relief or Liberation After Coming Out
If you’ve come out and experienced a sense of peace or liberation, it could be a confirmation of your true identity. I came out to far too many people. Some did not deserve my story. Once I started sharing this information I was so relieved to finally tell people because a burden was lifted and peace did follow.
Identifying with Queer Role Models
Do you look up to or admire LGBTQIA+ figures who have inspired you? This could be a sign that you resonate with the queer community.
Feeling a Sense of Belonging in LGBTQIA+ Spaces
Do you feel comfortable and accepted in LGBTQIA+ communities or events? This could be an indication that you are part of the community. The first time I went to Provincetown on Cape Cod it was a beautiful experience. I felt like I was home like I never felt before. I would recommend going to a place like this for everyone who is exploring their sexual identity.
Experiencing a Shift in Your Values or Beliefs
As you explore your identity, you may notice a shift in your values or beliefs that align more closely with the LGBTQIA+ community. The lens through which I looked upon the world changed when I came out. I saw patterns of oppression as a woman I had not seen before. I realized how deeply religion and patriarch had influenced me and kept me small.
Relating to the Experiences of Other Women Who Have Come Out Later in Life
If you resonate with the stories of other women who have come out later in life, it might be a sign that you’re on a similar journey. In hearing another’s story, we can often hear our own. This is the work we do in Lotus Group Coaching.
Feeling a Sense of Empowerment and Self-Discovery
Coming out later in life can be a deeply transformative experience. If you feel empowered and have gained a deeper understanding of yourself, it could be a sign that you’re on the right path. It will often go on to affect other areas of your life outside your sexuality.
Overcoming Societal Pressures and Expectations
Coming out later in life can involve challenging societal norms and expectations. If you’ve been able to overcome these pressures, it’s a testament to your strength and resilience.
Embracing Your Authentic Self
Coming out is a process of self-discovery and acceptance. If you’ve been able to embrace your true self, it’s a sign that you’re on the right path. Before I came out I thought the word “authenticity” was a buzzword. It is not.
Remember, these are just a few signs, and everyone’s journey is unique. The most important thing is to listen to your own heart and trust your instincts. If you’re questioning your sexuality, don’t be afraid to explore and seek support from others in the LGBTQIA+ community.
If you are looking for more resources on your journey be sure to get our free coming out guide that talks about where to start your coming out journey and our coming out and beyond podcast that shares stories, insights, and resources.
Coming out later in life can be a challenging but rewarding journey. By exploring these signs and seeking support, you can embrace your authentic self and find belonging within the LGBTQIA+ community.
Anne-Marie Zanzal is a coming out and divorce support coach who works with women coming out later in life to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can find her on social media and on her website annemariezanzal.com. Sign up for her next free workshop at comingoutsupport.net or learn more about her coaching programs or join her at an upcoming retreat.
