When my therapist asked me how I identified (after coming out to her a second time) I tentatively said “bisexual” as previously I was only in relationships with men. Two weeks later I had changed my mind. No, I was not bisexual, I was only interested in women. As someone who took forever to make up my mind about things, it was the fastest decision I had ever made. “So you are a lesbian?” She asked. I reconciled with horror, holding up my hand in the stop sign motion, like I could hold back her words. I exclaimed, “No, no not that word!”
When I was in high school the word lesbian was perjorative. It meant something less than female or feminine and it was used as a slur to demean women or identify them as unattractive to men. No one wanted that label.
Many of us have complicated relationships with labels, especially those surrounding gender or sexuality and many of those labels have complex histories. It isn’t easy to let go of what a word connotes for us and how it affects us emotionally. But that doesn’t mean we can’t embrace them for others or ourselves as we learn more and step into who we are.
This is a story about embracing a word with a loaded history, one with meanings that have shifted over time and have been used both positively and negatively by society.
Definition and History of Lesbian
The term “lesbian” describes a queer attraction to women. Merriam Webster defines it as “of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to other women or between women.” Usually, it is wlw, but has also been used by some nonbinary folk who experience attraction to women (as well as some bisexual/biromantic women and may be used to show a preference for relationships with women). Lesbian initially meant “from the island of Lesbos” but became associated with women who were attracted to and had relationships with other women because of the poet Sappho. She lived on Lesbos and wrote of her affection and desire for women often. Not much of her erotic poetry survives, but the influence of it was and is far-reaching. The term “sapphic” is also after her and has a similar meaning.
Lesbian, as referring to a woman having a relationship with another woman, was in common use by the late 1800s and used by medical professionals. Though same-sex relationships between women were fashionable in the Victorian era, whether or not sexual contact actually occurred wasn’t part of public discourse. Also referred to as “Boston marriages” and “romantic friendships” they were seen as innocent and chaste.
Historically, women found in sexual relationships with other women were either ignored or punished. Homosexuality was often seen as deviant and even considered a mental illness by the American Psychological Association until the 1970s.
As stated above, by the time I was in high school the meaning was a negative one. But like so many other terms, it has been embraced again by the LGBTQ community. So much so that the “L” that leads out the LGBTQ acronym is for Lesbian.
The word, unfortunately, also has gotten some bad press because of Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists or TERF’s. Many of these women identify as lesbian (although the most famous TERF JK Rowling does not) and seek to not allow transwomen into lesbian spaces. (Link to Outside Article Needed Here)
Hence, why even with so much progress and reclamation since my high school days, the term still has negative associations. There is work still to be done in making lesbian spaces safe for all women and folx who feel the lesbian label fits and allows each person to be seen and validated.
Embracing Being a Lesbian in my Own Life
My partner, who came out in the 1980’s, loves the word lesbian. For her it is a reclamation of a word that was used as a slur. She is a masculine of center woman and that word was often thrown at her by family to demean her. If she mentioned a cute girl, her mom would retort, “My God, Tonda, you sound like a lesbian.” For her it is a word of empowerment and she uses it often. She gets gently teased by my kids for this habit.
For her it is also deeply linked to the feminist movement which she was a part of as a member of NOW (National Organization for Women) https://now.org/about/history/statement-of-purpose/ Her owning of this word has made me proud of being a lesbian and I use it without any fear or hesitancy anymore. I have always been a feminist so that is an easy one for me. Both are who I am and part of my identity. I am a woman who loves women and there is no shame in that, nor in embracing one of the most enduring labels to describe that love.
Within the Later in Life Community
Many people state they do not want to be labeled, but I propose that we have many labels: mom, sister, wife, aunt, daughter – and certainly gay, lesbian, and queer. If we find using the word lesbian challenging, give yourself some space to explore and examine your beliefs about this word or whether it’s just a personal preference.
In the later in life community some women reject the word lesbian, preferring the words gay or queer. For some, it may be because of its historical negative use (or personal experience of it in a negative way), for others, it simply doesn’t feel quite right and that’s okay. I also use the word queer a lot, it just fits me.
Maybe you identify as bisexual or queer, but are in a “lesbian relationship.” Only you can choose your sexual identity and what words suit you and figuring that out is part of the fun of discovering who you are. We get to explore the richness of our authentic selves and that makes us very lucky.
Don’t Get too Overwhelmed by Choosing the “Right” Label
A word like lesbian, with such a complicated history, can be very difficult for some of us to embrace. It’s not a requirement for living an authentic life or for queer relationships, but it can be a very useful and often accurate way to describe many of us in this community.
It can feel strange, especially coming out later in life, to embrace a word that not only didn’t seem to define you in the past, but that often came with a negative connotation. If you feel it may be the fit for you, but makes you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to question why that might be the case.
If someone refers to your relationship as a lesbian one and you cringe, investigate your feelings. Find out if something fits better or if it’s because of what it meant in your past. Take your time. Know you aren’t alone in that discomfort.
If you’d like to connect with more women like you, navigate life changes, coming out, and the whole journey of living authentically as part of the LGBTQ+ community please contact me. Whether through individual coaching, or one of my Facebook groups (Free or Paid), there are many women who want to stand by you as you discover who you are, what defines you, and live authentically.
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