Divorce is always a difficult topic and often so taboo we don’t know how to act when the topic is brought up, let alone when someone close to us is going through it. We don’t know what to say or how to support them and so often we end up feeling awkward and useless or saying the absolute wrong thing for the situation.  

As someone who has gone through a divorce, I’ve watched my friends struggle and stumble over words and felt them pull away as their discomfort increased because they didn’t know what to do about my new circumstances and my new life. They didn’t know how to support me through the difficult moments or how to celebrate my freedom and capacity to be my authentic self. 

If you’re unsure the best way to proceed as someone with a close friend going through a divorce, as someone who has been on both sides of that experience, I’ve got some useful tips for you. Here are a few things NOT to do when your friend is getting divorced (and what to do instead) that will help your friendship survive and even thrive through this common difficult experience. 

Don’t: Act like it should be easy because it’s what they wanted. 

Do: Offer to help, but let them specify what is needed and when. Say, “I can only imagine how hard this decision has been for you. I am here for you however you need me.” 

Even if our friend wants a divorce (and has for a long time), it’s still painful and hard. Even if they were the spouse that filed the papers, it’s hard. Their role in the marriage and subsequently in the divorce isn’t easier just because they know it is the right thing or will make them happier in the long run. So much is changing and there is so much to grieve and let go of. 

There is an entire life that they have built that is forever altered because of it. Even when there is so much that is new and shiny and so much freedom they didn’t have, there is so much that is lost. They may have even been in a very difficult or abusive situation and getting out is the best thing they could’ve done. But, it doesn’t mean it is easy or that they aren’t hurting. 

Ask them how they are and how they are holding up and if they need anything. Don’t expect them to be instantly over it or to move on right away. Give them the time they need and honor the challenge they are going through and the pain they are experiencing. 

Don’t: Abandon your friend.

Do: Take them for coffee, drinks or dinner. This gives them an opportunity to talk about the divorce if they need to or about anything else if they want to get their mind off of it and it gets them out of the house.

Married couples are notorious for leaving a newly single person out once they are divorced. It can be difficult to navigate if you became friends as couples and bonded over kids and shared family experiences, but try not to choose sides. Don’t argue with your own partner over which of the couple is right and who did or deserves what. Find other ways to support your friends without letting them go completely. 

You don’t have to abandon your friends when their life circumstances change, especially when those circumstances are ones in which they often desperately need a friend. You’ll have to find what works for you (and your partner, if they are friends with the other spouse), but you don’t have to lose the close friendship you have created. 

Often the bonds are still there. And a newly divorced person may have an even greater need for fun and nights out and relationships in which it doesn’t matter if they are partnered or not. Divorce is already a lonely experience. Don’t make it worse for the friends you care about because their situation is difficult or different from yours.  

Don’t: Gossip about it, be supportive of your friend.

Do: LISTEN. This can’t be stated enough. What your friend needs most is someone to listen to their perspective, their pain, and their joy. It’s the simplest way to offer support and show you care and actually be impactful. 

You don’t know the details of their divorce. It doesn’t matter how close you are or how much you think they have shared. You cannot fully understand where either partner is coming from or what their experience has been. Don’t share information like you get it, when it isn’t your life and truly “getting it” isn’t possible. 

If they share information with you, don’t go share it with other people. Have respect for them and their privacy. Treat them how you would want to be treated going through the experience. It’s painful and having the ins and outs aired like dirty laundry isn’t just uncomfortable, it can be cruel. Even if you think you are just helping someone else understand the situation, you are often doing more harm than good. Keep their private business private and support them in sharing when THEY feel ready to. Everyone needs friends who will listen. Most of the time when we go through changes and face hard things in our lives being heard makes a huge difference. 

Don’t: Question their decision. 

Do: Celebrate their joys and their new life when they are ready. Ask what they plan to do and to learn and what kind of life they want to build. Show them you are confident they can do that and happy that they have the opportunity to live so fully. 

No one makes the decision to divorce lightly. No one wakes up and says,  “I think I am going to get divorced today.” It can be years of living in a hellish or unhappy marriage, contemplating divorce and they simply haven’t told you about it. Don’t question their timeline or circumstances. Trust your friend to know what is best for them and don’t push them to do what you think they should do. 

As stated above, you don’t know the whole situation. That’s not possible. Respect their autonomy and intelligence and let them know you will support them through whatever they decide as they build the life that fulfills them. 

We all grow and change over time, and divorce can lead to major life changes, even how we are as people. Having friends that celebrate that growth and the new life we are building can make a huge difference. 

Don’t: Make it about you.

Do: Go to a movie with them. Sometimes all that is needed to feel better is a brief escape from the day-to-day with friends. Have a relaxing, good time and be entertained for a while. 

This divorce is not about you, your thoughts, or your feelings. Don’t cry and say how much you love them as a couple. Don’t say “if it didn’t work out for you two, how will I ever find love?”  It’s not about you, how much you looked up to them, or how much you wished you had what they had. You don’t know the whole story and it’s not your life or your decision. It’s not your grief and pain either.  

Don’t call them a “wonderful family” or the “perfect couple” when you already know it’s not working. Your fantasy of their life isn’t reality and you have to accept that and offer support along the way. Don’t lament the fact that it changes the friendship dynamic between couples if both you and your partner were close with them. You don’t get to be disappointed in them or make your friend feel guilty for needing something different in their life in order to actually be authentic, happy, and fulfilled. Make sure discussion of their divorce is about them and how they need to be supported when you are available to offer that support. That’s what they really need.

Do things with them that aren’t centered around their divorce. Watch a movie together, go grocery shopping, participate in activities with them to build your friendship, and remind them they still have a community, they still have a place in your life. We all need an escape from the stress of life, and those who are in the middle of divorce need that support even more. 

Don’t: Constantly steer the conversation to the divorce.

Do: Listen. I know I said this earlier but it can’t be said enough. 

Let your friend take the lead in times of transition. If they want to talk about it, be there. If they are not even talking about it, bring it up, show some interest, and give them the opportunity to talk about it, but don’t pressure them. If they actively avoid it, don’t bring it up again. Let them know you are available to talk when they are ready and give them time. 

Listen empathetically and offer kindness and understanding. Don’t hyperfocus on their divorce and ask invasive and unnecessary questions. Do show interest and genuine concern. Be real with your friend and trust that they will open up when it’s time. If they need extra time talking about everything they think and feel and are struggling through, be attentive and show the love you have for them. Letting them take the lead shows you trust and respect them and helps reinforce that they are worthy and capable and that divorce doesn’t change that. 

Don’t: Ask them if they are worried about the kids.

Do: Offer to watch the kids. There is a lot to discuss and get done when going through a divorce. It’s extra difficult if the kids are constantly around. Give them some time to process and accomplish what they have to do when moving forward with divorce. 

Yes, they are worried about their kids. They have probably done more worrying than you can ever imagine unless you have been through it and if you have been through it, you wouldn’t think to ask that. Because you know. Don’t make them doubt their worth as a parent by questioning the concern they have for their children. 

The world is already hard enough on divorced parents. Trust they are doing everything they can to support their children and be available if they need a hand with childcare while going through all proceedings or if they need some time to themselves. They love their children and will make it as okay as they can and things might even be much better for all of them on the other side. 

Every person going through a divorce needs space and an opportunity for quality alone time. What they are processing emotionally sometimes is best done when the kids aren’t around so they have a better footing and clearer idea of how to approach everything with their children. They are sorting out how to help their kids and this is a way that we can help them support their children because it gives them the chance to actually do that. 

Divorce is tricky whether you are going through it yourself or watching someone you care about go through it. But, there are so many things we can do to support our friends in ways that don’t make it more difficult for them. 

Besides these dos and don’ts, helping your friend find connections with people going through the same thing can be immensely helpful. Your friend isn’t alone and there are many people who are in the process of divorce even later in life and going through midlife changes.  

You can also find more support in other articles related to midlife changes, the emotional pain of getting divorced, and things no one told you about divorcing your spouse that can give you some insights into your friends’ experience.  

As I have worked with women coming out later in life, I have seen the need for support through divorce.  I offer individual coaching as well as various support groups (both online and in person) with other women in the same situation. And I’ve been there, too. 

If you think this might be useful to your friend, especially if they have expressed interest in connecting with others who’ve gone through a divorce, please share a link to my contact page or Facebook account and invite them to connect with me. I would love nothing more than to support them through their journey. I have a variety of resources for LGBTQ+ women as they grow through this difficult time into living fully, powerfully, and authentically.