By Elizabeth M., age 47
Elizabeth and I are good friends and she regaled me late summer with her tales of the lesbian dating scene. I asked her to write this piece for my blog. Dating is a numbers game and being open to all different types of women can be game changing for our later in life community.
Where Elizabeth’s Lesbian Dating Story Begins
Dating is a numbers game, right? That’s what we are told. I wasn’t so sure, but after a year of monthly (awkward) Zoom dates, mixed in with some freezing outdoor dates (and no sex!), I decided to give “volume” a try! I live half an hour from New York City and arranged my settings so that I’d see women within about an hour’s drive.
The perfect two-week window arrived when my kids went to sleepaway camp in July. So, I updated my profiles on Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, added a new profile on Facebook dating, and began a marathon of swiping. Unlike my previous dating strategy involving dozens of messages, then texts, then phone calls and video chats before meeting – I decided to get right to “IRL” within a few “in app” messages, after, of course, assessing they were age appropriate (late 30’s to early ’50s), generally my type (lipstick or nerdy femme), single, queer, had a job, and generally geographically desirable. I also was clear on my profile that I’m divorced, have two kids, and am very gay.
So here is the low down …
Date One: The Newly Divorced Explorer
Mary: Jazz singer, one 8-year-old son, divorced from a man, bisexual
Backstory: A newbie to the queer scene, Mary told me she’s just starting to date again after her divorce and is dating men and women.
Highlight: One of the first things out of her mouth was “So I went down on this guy last week and he didn’t reciprocate … what do you think was wrong?” She then proceeded to tell me about other dates with men and women, and then mentioned the (male) bouncer at Cubbyhole had asked her out!
How it ended: I started to cry in front of her – like REALLY cry – after realizing how disheartening it is to date a bi-curious woman. I felt she was just flirting with the “idea” of being gay, whereas I am GAY.
Follow up: She apologized for being an ass.
Date Two: The Lesbian Gym Teacher
Marianne: High school gym teacher, no kids, divorced from a man, lesbian
Backstory: Though she wore a dress and had long hair in her profile picture, Marianne turned out to be very butch, wearing a ponytail and gym outfit to the date. She told me she’d been gay her whole life but married a man for 14 years as she felt it would be hard to be “out” and be a high school teacher.
Highlight: I got a flat tire on the way to the date, ended up taking an Uber, and then drinking way too much to get through the evening. We did end up having a good time and I drunkenly kissed her at the end – while telling her she wasn’t my type.
Follow up: I told her I was happy to be friends and she agreed; that said, she actually lives two hours away and told me she doesn’t like NYC, so unlikely that we’d actually hang out.
Date Three: The [Un]Conversational CEO
Carrie: Non-profit CEO, no kids, life-long lesbian
Backstory: Though Carrie is a butch, I’d seen her on a few apps and knew she was local, smart with a great job. We met for lunch. I was hoping that she’d look more like one of her more femme pics, but this wasn’t the case.
Highlight: She told me how much she hates running into people and being forced to have a conversation. She didn’t ask me any questions and kept checking her phone throughout the date. Then, someone sat next to us and she spoke to them for 10 minutes while I sat quietly!
Follow up: None.
Date Four: The Attractive Matchmaker
Anna: Matchmaker, 48, lives in Florida, divorced with one teen daughter, lesbian
Backstory: We were “set up” by another matchmaker I know, met in person for lunch the week before, then had a phone call and Zoom date while the kids were at camp. Anna is an attractive blond that I couldn’t quite get a read on as she had a habit of not answering my questions directly.
Highlight: She told me about her matchmaking job and a fantastic date she’d arranged that week, asked if I had learned from my dating history and recommended a book about attachment styles.
Follow up: A “break up” text from her saying she didn’t feel a romantic connection and that we should just be friends. I agreed though I was flummoxed since I think it’s hard to evaluate attraction on Zoom.
Date Five: The One Who Loved Softball
Deanne, Insurance agent, 38, single, no kids, lesbian
Backstory: Deanne was VERY butch compared to her pictures, which were of her in a dress and long hair. She showed up with a baseball cap, large T-shirt, and shorts, and talked about her softball game.
Highlight: We met at Club 626 in Jersey City, a fun gay bar with a rooftop. That said, we didn’t have much in common, and she had no “stories” as she told me she’d seen almost no one outside her immediate family until recently due to COVID.
Follow up: We both checked we got home OK, but that was it.
Date Six: The Cute Redhead
Jen, 42, Special ed teacher, divorced, four kids ages 5-12, bisexual
Backstory: Though I was apprehensive about dating someone with four kids, Jen and I live a few blocks from each other and had a lot in common as a result. She’s a cute redhead.
Highlight: The conversation was mostly about our difficult ex-husbands and didn’t feel romantic, but she followed me to my car and we made out for half an hour in the end!
Follow up: We met for date #2 a few nights later, and the conversation was more challenging; she told me she’s an introvert and it’s hard for her to talk to new people. We did sleep together, but I was relieved she couldn’t stay over. We texted a few times after the date.
Date Seven: The One with Funky Style
Melissa, 46, Luxury apartment manager, divorced, lesbian, two kids in their 20’s
Backstory: Melissa is from the Midwest like me, and we were born in the same city! She lives about 15 minutes from me. She a cute femme, with glasses and a funky style.
Highlight: She was charming and easy to talk to and told me I looked “better than my pictures.” We ended up making out while at the bar and made immediate plans to meet again.
Follow up: We’ve met twice since and had hot sex! I’ve since learned she has some personal challenges, including a very recent breakup, but I decided something casual could be nice for the time being.
Lessons Learned from Lesbian Speed Dating – 7 Dates in 14 Days
So… after all this dating, I decided to take a bit of a break from constant swiping. My kids are now home, and I needed to catch up with friends and sleep!
Six months later, I’m still dating Melissa and we are having a lot of fun. After nearly a year of no sex and a lot of rejection and loneliness, I feel happy that I put myself back out there in a big way! I could have saved time had I done a few video chats, but in the end, I’m glad I just made the effort to meet people in real life. I will avoid bi-curious women in the future, however.
I had fun, learned about different people’s lives, and felt more confident and optimistic about my dating future.
Dating Will Look Different for Everyone
Elizabeth’s experiences share the wide range of opportunity that exists in dating in the later in life community. I have my own experiences before Tonda as well, and it really can be a whole new world to jump into. Give yourself permission to date a variety of people, and go with the flow, you don’t have to force love, and it’s ok if you need to take some time to discover your type.
You can learn more about healthy lesbian dating and relationships in a few other posts: Why Lesbains U-Haul, Tips for Having a Healthy First Lesbian Relationship, Practicing Healthy Boundaries & Expectations, and Other Resources here. If you are just beginning your coming out journey, I do have a variety of resources here that may be helpful, and I do have Lotus Group Coaching, which is a safe community that has been created to help you navigate this process so that you can be fully empowered to live your authentic life. If you are interested in learning more, schedule a discovery call with me here.
