Guide for Women Coming Out Later in Life
Based on my own experiences, and the experiences of so many women in the Later in Life community, I created this guide to empower you through your own later in life coming out journey.
Not Alone
First Lesbian Experiences
Never to Late
Embracing Your Sexuality
Free Guide
Other Components to Coming Out
Your Authentic Self
All of My Favorite Resources
Typical Emotions
Lotus group coaching
Midlife Changes
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You Are Not Alone!
What does it mean to come out later in life?
Society assumes we are heteronormative. What does that mean? Heteronormative is the concept that heterosexual behavior is “right” or “normal” for everyone. There is a perception that everyone has their sexual/gender orientation all figured out before twenty. Yet, the reality is that many people do not figure it out either until well into adulthood and after marriage to an opposite-gender partner and kids. Sometimes even when that is all finished and our children are grown and well on their way. Just because you come out later in life than puberty or young adulthood, doesn’t make your experience of coming out, or the reality of your sexuality, ANY less valid. Also, coming out has nothing to do with who you sleep with.
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It’s Your Journey & You Are Ready When You Are Ready
You aren’t the only one. It’s NEVER late to come out.
Coming out later in life can be a lonely road. We all feel like the only one at first. We feel like we missed out on many of the positive experiences of the LGBTQIA+ community when we were young. We sometimes feel a lack of friends to talk to about these things. It seems like no one else has the same questions we do or the same desires. We doubt our own experience and our authentic selves simply because it looks like no one around us is having the same journey.
But again, that simply isn’t true.
It’s not too late to start living your authentic life. So many of us have been where you are and we are here to support you. This process begins as a fairly isolated feeling, and I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be.
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5 Places to Start for Women Coming out later in life
Curious & Questioning Your Sexuality is Normal
How to know you aren’t straight?
Asking that question is already a good sign that you may not be straight. We all start with the idea that straight is the default. A heterosexual person has no reason to question it. Straight girls don’t lie awake at night wondering if they are gay.
However, we know that just asking that question can feel very scary at first and it’s not always easy to trust yourself when you’ve never identified that way before. So to help, here are 7 signs you’re not straight, even if it’s later in life. Also having kids doesn’t rule out if you are straight or not, you can learn more about that in our article if I married a man and have children can I still be a lesbian?
Compulsory Heterosexuality Internalized Homophobia
Compulsory heterosexuality is defined as “a system of oppression that denies people’s sexual self-determination by presenting heterosexuality as the sole model of acceptable sexual and romantic relationship.”
In other words, when all you see and are shown as “good” is heterosexual relationships that reinforce a strict gender binary, that is what you will automatically value and strive for. It’s difficult to even think of asking yourself what you want and who you are when the path has been so fully engraved into your mind. It takes breaking down our own internalized homophobia to embrace and accept ourselves.
This is why it takes so long for some of us to understand and accept ourselves and maybe come out or not. As I have traveled the journey I have come to think of this experience as “letting in.” So much has to change. Our brain has to face cognitive dissonance and do some rewiring and a lot of self-love is required. But, you can absolutely weather all that is changing as you learn to live authentically.
No Need to Fear the Journey & Your Experiences
Typical Emotions Through the Coming Out Process
8 reasons why coming out can be nerve wracking
1. Considering You Are Gay/Queer or Possibly Not Straight
We all have to start somewhere and that’s usually here. Often we are curious and questioning before we really understand what we are experiencing. Sometimes it is because of a feeling we recognize for another woman or a feeling that seems to be missing with a man. Sometimes we just notice we are different in our approach to heterosexual relationships and wonder why.
This leads us to ask what it is we really want? We get to discover who we are and define our own identity and sexuality, which is actually very exciting, even if it’s scary to ask the questions at first.
2. Self-Acceptance, Self-Belonging & Self-Discovery
The more we discover about ourselves, the more clarity we develop about our true desires, and the more we can lean into true self-acceptance and maybe, over time, even self-celebration. This step re-occurs throughout our life, and will happen often through your entire self-discovery experience.
3. Coming Out (or Letting In)
Coming out can feel overwhelming, not just because it’s new and scary on its own. As we begin this journey we often feel there are so many people to tell. Our family and friends have always thought of us a certain way and they will have their own reaction to our honest self-disclosure.
We may choose to tell our families, partners, children, and friends, and the responses can range from total support to total rejection. I have found that sometimes the people we worry about the most can often surprise us.
Don’t let it deter you from coming out, but do honor your own journey. Do it on your own time, when you are ready. You have the rest of your life to live as your authentic self. Don’t add to the pressure. Set boundaries with those who aren’t as understanding and keep the conversation open when you can or want to.
This type of openness from you can build a lot of safety for the other people you love to live authentically too as you serve as a model for them.
4. Midlife Changes
Coming out midlife may bring some change. We may find our beliefs change, we get divorced, find a new job, or connect with a new partner. Recognizing that these changes are normal and part of natural adult development is important.
5. Living Proudly & Authentically (It’s a Journey)
It can take time to get to a place where you are proud of yourself and living authentically. Take your time on the journey. There is no rush at all. Lean into what feels good and honor all the changes you’re making. Embrace each step and be proud of yourself for recognizing who you are and the value of living authentically.
Midlife Changes that Can Come with Coming Out
Coming out can be the catalyst for a lot of midlife changes. It is developmentally appropriate for adults in midlife (35-65+) to question who they were told to be (conditioned self), so that they may become who they are created to be (authentic self). This may be the first time you’ve understood yourself and known what it was you wanted out of life. Taking hold of all that is possible as you move through life as your true self is such an exciting thing to be able to do. Change is uncomfortable and helping those you care about understand that growth is a part of normal adult development can be an added difficulty. We have so many resources to help you navigate these common midlife experiences after coming out.
Learn More about changing your life midlife
First Lesbian Crush & Finding a New Partner
Heartbreak After a Relationship
Leaving Your Past Faith Traditions & New Found Spirituality
New or Different Relationships with Your Children
First Experiences in Coming Out
Coming out is both exhilarating and nerve-wracking. It is often an experience of holding two very different emotions at the same time. So much is new and even the parts of it that feel familiar have a different energy and you have a new perspective. You may be feeling things you’ve never felt before or experiencing things you didn’t think you ever could. You’re not alone in feeling excited and scared as you experience some of these common first experiences in coming out:
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First Lesbian Crush You Could be Open About or You Admit to Yourself
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First Time Kissing a Woman
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First Intimate Encounter
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First Heartbreak
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First Pride Parade
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First Gay Bar
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First Queer Community
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First Time Learning to Stand Up for Yourself
Ever done coming out?
Sexuality in Coming Out
Embracing your sexuality when you come out is a time to say to yourself, “This is who I am” and own it. You probably won’t be there right away, but you can get there. Remember, it’s not just about who you sleep with. Your sexuality is about YOU. Author and feminist bell hooks said, “queer not as being about who you’re having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”
This journey is about embracing your desires, your innermost self, and your perspective on the world and making your own space for belonging within it. It’s not always easy, but we aren’t alone, and celebrating our sexuality is a very powerful way to embrace our humanness and love all that we are.
Other Components to the Later in Life Coming Out Journey
Self Expression
Your gender identity might not be something you let yourself think about or express in the past, but now you can experiment! live. This can be so much fun and liberating! It’s an experience of your own self-expression. It’s about people acknowledging you for who you are. Gender identity is a spectrum, it’s fluid, and whatever that looks like for you is okay.
There is no shame in being butch, femme, or anywhere in between. Take coming out as a whole new opportunity to be yourself, to live authentically, and that includes being as true to who you are on that gender spectrum as possible. Embrace your uniqueness.
Understanding Common Terms
Don’t let unfamiliar vocabulary get in the way of you diving into an authentic life with a variety of LGBTQ+ friends who move through life as you do.
Remember, so many of us have been there and we understand what it’s like to come out later in life and not know much about the community we are a part of. Ask questions, listen, and be open to understanding yourself in new ways.
- Lesbian
- Gay
- Queer
- Transgender
Spirtuality
Religion and spirituality often complicate coming out in a way that makes it difficult not just for the person coming out and their own beliefs, but for the beliefs of those they love. Remember, this journey is about you and any relationship you have or don’t have with a higher power is up to you. There is room for a whole spectrum of beliefs that validate who you are.
You are worthy as you are and anything that says otherwise isn’t the truth. If your beliefs about God/the Universe are changing because you came out and are honoring who you are, that’s okay. You are not alone. Many of us have to rethink our approach to spirituality as we understand more about our remarkable, queer selves.
Finding Community After You Have Come Out Later in Life
Especially when coming out later in life, we don’t know where to start to build community and find support for who we know we are now. We might have a few queer friends, but when so much of our life is shifting, we need all the support we can get. Building a community to support us living authentically is so very important.
We need LGBTQIA+ friends! Having a community of people who get it and who know what it’s like to be where we are at is so helpful. Plus, it feels good to connect to other queer folks too.
Resources through the Coming Out Process
Coming Out
Every person needs support and resources during the coming out process. Find a variety of articles, books, and other types of media that will empower you through your coming out journey.
Later in Life
Coming out later in life can take extra time to process, and extra courage, and you are not alone. Find a variety of resources that talk about your unique journey coming out as an adult.
Authenticity
Living an authentic life takes courage, and every person determines what it means to live authentically. Find resources that empower you to discover and live a life true to yourself, and celebrating every part of you, including your sexuality.
Spirituality
Many people I work with have to address their spiritual beliefs through their coming out journey. Find resources that affirm your sexuality and affirm your beliefs, and give you the space to explore your own spirituality alongside your sexuality.
Other Resources
There are a wide variety of resources and organizations that can support and empower you through your journey. Find trusted resources, and orgainzations i have worked with that helped me through my own coming out journey.
